Why is it important to engage with adolescents on sex and consent?

"Didi, people don't talk about sex, young kids don't know what sex is then why people marry their kids at young age?"

The session on ‘Love, sex and relationships’ with the adolescent participants of Choti Si khushi organization had been challenging in so many ways – the discomfort between boys and girls was so palpable that we had to contemplate on whether to conduct it our way or not; while girls were way hesitant despite previous sessions the boys seemed too eager leading to a huge gap in terms of need and learning, secondly both of them were still not mingling and preferred sitting along with same gender; lastly last minute logistics hassles speakers not working where movie screening with the core aspect of this workshop. But as they always say that the intention to do something supersedes the challenges if they are honest and true so despite these hassles we could engage on the most tabooed topic in Indian society in the best possible ways.

We began with the coin game to energize and gather their energy to the workshop space. It was fun to see how girls and boys mingled and helped their groups in the game to win showing their competitive side irrespective of their gender and standing awkwardness.

Through the story of Paro, we engaged with the participants on consent – what does it means to say No or Yes.

‘She will slap him hard and complain to her teacher’

‘He took advantage of her being alone in the class, he broke her trust’

‘He didn’t anything wrong, they were friends, he liked her so thought that she would like him too’

‘He should have asked her first before kissing her’

‘He might not have asked because he thought Paro would refuse to kiss’

‘Because girls usually never say yes and they are too shy’

‘If I would have been in Paro’s place I would hit him so hard that he will never do this to any other girl’

In the next part of the session, the participants were divided into group and were invited to share ‘whether they have heard the work sex in their daily lives?’ Most of the participants shared that they have heard this word in television, number of popular films and advertisements.

‘A boy and a girl goes to a room, they kiss each other and lie on each other wearing no clothes’

‘I have seen my brother and his wife do sex’

‘We studies about reproduction in science class’

‘Usually my friends talk about sex, which is something girlfriend and boyfriend do’

‘I saw a drunken man harassing a girl in the park. He also took her photos’

‘Seen on mobile phones and XXX videos’

There were two groups of girls who had the most confused expression on their faces with blank sheets for the exercise. They had never heard this word but when promoted all they could recall were boy’s comments or harassment! Clearly the information they have received from their surroundings about sex is very gendered considering boys talk about sex, have seen porn videos and their friends talk about having sex with their partners – they may or may not have clarity of what it is but they relate sex to the fun aspect of their lives while girls are clueless, mostly unaware but are more exposed to violent aspect of sex or forced sex creating a deep seated fear in them. We screened two videos where a 10 year old asks his father about how babies are borne and condom, his father explains using various metaphors and emphasizing the importance of this knowledge as against the voices of society that makes conversations about sex a taboo! 

Due to logistic hassles, we divided the participants into groups and screened these videos onto laptop and cellphones. This also gave us opportunity to interact and discuss with the participants into small group thereby making them comfortable and subliming the tension, awkwardness and shame around the topic in the mixed gender groups. And this worked as magic because the questions erupted just after the discussion-

‘I saw a 15 year old girl getting married, and then she got pregnant. But that’s not right’

‘Can one get pregnant by kissing on lips?’

‘Can people have sex while the girl is on periods?’

‘How do we know the person is pregnant?’

‘Do women have periods during pregnancy?’

‘How do we know that we are ready for sex?’

‘Is there only one way of doing sex?’

‘What is condom made of? Are there condoms for women too?’

And the questions followed post session as well! This makes me always wonder why people still have discussion over what age is appropriate for delivering sex education and emphasizing that they have their entire life to learn about it. Hearing these questions just give me an affirmation that the sooner this knowledge is imparted better it is – the question is how we can talk about it without putting our biases or forcing abstinence so that the adolescents can make informed choices!