Engaging with adolescents on 'sex and consent' to debunk toxic masculinity!

“Why do we comment on girls, or harass them? It’s for fun and enjoyment plus it’s harmless. How does commenting about beautiful they are makes them uncomfortable? If someone calls me handsome I would be elated!”

What seems to be harmless or fun activity for boys is actually a nightmare for many girls. Going with the fear that someone is standing in the street or in the corner near school, somewhere near their house who will comment, would try to touch them against their wish is dreadful for a woman of any age! How do the boys/men think that doing something against the consent of other person is okay or fun seats deep rooted in the mindset with which all are brought up in the society? This toxic mentality needs to be challenged at very early stage of life so that gender based violence which is engulfing our existence can be uprooted. I guess, this also means that talking about sex should be normalized, it’s because there are no conversations around it instead rape, molestation and stalking are talked about frequently which leads to the mindset that it is something bad, something that shouldn’t be talked about and negative connotation is forever associated with ‘sex’. However it is much more than that, talking about tabooed topics can clear the air, erase rudimentary thought process and can build a more rational approach about it.

So, to follow the suit, we engaged with the adolescents of Government School on ‘Love, consent and sex’. The session began with the story of Paro who is kissed by one of her friends in coaching class while she was alone. We then asked what would they do if they are Paro? Most of the boys ended up saying that she might slap him, beat him, complain about it to parents, teachers or stop going to classes. Few of them said that she would kiss him back and they will become lovers! There were only few who said that she would enquire why he kissed her or he didn’t ask for her consent before kissing her.

On the topic of consent, the boys didn’t really care whether the girl said yes or no because according to them, it doesn’t really matter! According to them, the girls would automatically say No and no one can actually do anything to them so they don’t care. We took this time to engage on how much stalking, molestation and comments can harm the girls; their fun can actually ruin someone’s life. There was deafening silence post this conversation.

Except for 3-4 participants, everyone was aware about ‘sex’. They talk about sex in their friend circles, have seen on television, movies, porn! Few of them shared their experience of seeing sex in their lanes and park.

‘My friend watches all dirty stuff on phone’

‘Whenever I meet my friend, he talk about bad things related to sex all the dirty things around it’

Clearly they have know how about sex but again half-baked information so through videos and informative charts we engaged on ‘how are babies borne’ and ‘condoms’. Lots of questions were asked post this discussion-

‘What is full form of STD and what kind of disease is it?’

‘Can two boys engage in sex?’

‘Can STD transfer from man to man?’

‘Is masturbation wrong? Does that make us less of man? Can we lose sperm count because of it?’

‘Do girls also have wet dreams? What happens to them?’

‘Why do we get erection in night?’

‘Can girls get pregnant by kissing on lips?’

It was interesting to see this outpour of the questions, I had to actually stop the flow but then one of the participants said, “Too many questions are coming up! I am so excited that I can’t even sit. Is it okay if you can answer these questions?”

After the session, one of the boys came to me and said, “Didi I want to share something important to you. I was going to my home, and then a girl who was dressed in very tight clothes and was wearing makeup came to me and offered sex for me! I don’t like them! Why would anyone do this? It’s not a good thing” I answered the question with best of my understanding.

He said, “Can’t they do something else, something respectful?” I took this opportunity to share that it’s their profession, just like people do different job to earn money, she does too! There is nothing wrong about it unless it is forced.

Participant: Why would anyone force them into sex work? It was crucial for me to explain how girls are sold even for 100 rupees and are trafficked; sometimes their parents and relatives are involved in it! This left the participants pale faced and worried – a question left hanging as to why would anyone sell a girl for few bucks? Especially their own family!!