Finding yourself amongst dreams, expectations and hobbies

“I am very funny, never let anyone get bored. I am in search for a huge platform and I wish to become an actor someday.”

Super elated to be back to My Perch where we began our journey at Sahas 3 years ago. Back then we had an idea - a curriculum that was waiting to see the ground and create a space where adolescents can find themselves, ask questions and share their thoughts on their own issues without the fear of being shut down or judged- together we created our first circle so yes it feels great to revisit our roots.

The session on ‘Who am I?’ began with introductions and intention of why we do what we do! This was followed by inviting the participants share their names and one crazy thing they have done and trust me they are one hell of quirky beings-

‘Whenever I am bored, I just start hitting people around me’

‘Nobody knows but I bunked my entire UKG. I spend the time in the nearby park’

‘Once I pranked and made my teacher trip over’

‘I enjoy dancing but my mother doesn’t want me too. But I still practice dancing’

‘I went out with my friends without telling anyone’

‘Didi, there is a teacher in our school who asks about her appearance every day to the students. One day she asked me, I didn’t wish to entertain so I said nothing to her but went to other teacher and appreciated her looks.’

‘I love learning new things so one day I took someone’s bike to ride but then I ramped it over accidently.’

These were some really crazy stuff that they had engaged in but this activity was like an ice breaking session for us.

In the next activity, the participants were asked to create their identity maps – writing things that they associate with themselves. It was a surreal experience hearing them; almost everyone had written that they love coming to My Perch, enjoy singing, dancing, drawing and roaming around. The beautiful aspect was their aspirations – two of them wanted to be IAS officer, one of the wanted to be an astronaut and someone wanted to be an actor.

In the second part of the activity, the ones who shared something in their identity maps were supposed to sit in pairs and the ones who had nothing same were asked to sit separately. On asking how it felt when you shared a common point –

‘I was very happy, because we have something in common, something we both enjoy. We both wrote that if we don’t come to library- we feel lost. The thing if I don’t come here then I would loiter around, waste time but here I engage in learning something new like playing guitar and making friends’  

On asking people who had nothing in common; two different answers were shared-

‘I felt really good because I am unique and different from others’

‘I felt miserable, I hardly speak to people. If there was someone who shared some part with my identity map I would be happy because I won’t feel different and had someone with whom I could talk’

Moving over to the activity where we talk about how our identities change over course of our life – seeing one of the photos, one of the participants said that it is love marriage. Being caught off guard because of the response, I asked why. The participant said, “The girl is smiling that’s why it’s love marriage otherwise either she would be serious or said”

Another important thing that came out in this session was how the participants interpreted the story of girl who holds on to the important values from her adolescence to youth. Two of the participants drew out the patterns of her behavior in the exact manner which depicts the very rare reflective ability – It was very intelligent observation which left us feel stumped once again.

While we were dwelling on ambitions and aspirations, one of the participants enquired, “I wish to become astronaut but somehow my height falls short. I enjoy singing too but my parents want me to become lawyer. In such situation what should I do?”

In the last activity of ‘seeing good in one self’ we explored why it is important for us to be praised by others, self-esteem and can we uplift ourselves without someone’s encouraging words?

‘When I came back from vacation, I was feeling lost and I stopped practicing music too- I wasn’t feeling motivated but them didi said that you are good at it- don’t leave just now. So, I start practicing back’

This activity was an eye opener in many ways. While there were certain high points for example – one of the participants had written 15 good qualities and mentioned 16-20: coming soon; then few of them sharing what they really find good in them with so much enthusiasm that it was infectious. On the another hand gender was strongly reflected when girls end up sharing the qualities which somehow account for ‘qualities needed to be good girls according to societal norms’

At the end, when we asked how was the session? There was a huge roar saying ‘we loved it’. Our heart was exploding with happiness, love and gratitude- this is what we aim with Sahas- Just being yourself!

'Taunts and comments on everything I did made me realize that I am a girl'

“When I came to know that I am a girl for the first time, I wasn’t happy because my parents never wanted a girl”

The session on physical changes during adolescence is very crucial and challenging because it acts an ice breaker for the course of upcoming sessions as well as creating a space where the participants can feel at ease to share their thoughts and ask questions. However this session becomes even more challenging with the co-ed groups considering that from very early in our lives, it is instilled subtly and many a times very strictly that certain topics shouldn’t be discussed and there are limits to interactions between girls and boys. Hence with this session, Pandora of discomfort, conflict and curiosities open up which could challenge the mindsets, create ruckus and shake beliefs.

During the first activity, the participants were divided into groups and invited to discuss on ‘When did you first come to know that you are a boy or a girl?’

‘My parents told me that I am a boy. When I grew up, I started making friends so I was told to befriend boys. My mom said that girls should remain in home while boys should play outside. Then she send me outside, it confused me’

‘I came to know that I am a boy when my teacher was instructing students to sit on different benches. He told me that you are a boy so you should sit on that bench. I was surprised but didn’t feel happy’

‘My parents told me that you are a boy so you shouldn’t play with girls. We also come to know from our clothes and hairs. It didn’t really made any difference to me’

‘I felt weird when I came to know I am a girl’

‘I came to know that I am a boy when I was in 5^th class. I was sad because my family already had a son’

‘When my ears and nose were pierced then I came to know that I am a girl. It doesn’t really matter to me’

‘When I started wearing payal then I came to know that I am a girl and it didn’t feel different.’

‘We have come to know through our names, our body structure, surrounding environment – how they treat boys and girls differently and also from our clothes’

‘When I was 7 years old, my mother told me not to play outside late evening as it’s not safe for girls’

‘I was told to do household chores rather than playing games as I am a girl’

‘My mother said that how can you roam around wearing underwear- you are a girl and girls don’t just walk around like this’

‘I was sad when I came to know I am a girl as my mother said that you shouldn’t be playing with boys’

‘My mother started taunting and commenting on everything I do and that’s how I came to know that I am a girl’

This last comment pained me – that’s not how someone should feel because of one’s gender especially these young kids. Being a girl is not a curse but the way girls shared their stories brought out the deep rooted orthodox patriarchal mindsets and it felt like being devoid of basic necessity of freedom.

In the next part of the session, the participants were engaged in body map activity; it’s always very interesting to engage and be part of this as it begins with hesitation and confusion, proceeds to curiosity then to really dive into with multiple occasions of shy smiles, hiding parts of body map to giggles and finally the urge to share the answers as well know more about it.

Good things about growing up-

‘We become mature and understand what’s right and what’s wrong for us’

‘Girls become more beautiful than boys’

‘Our mind sharpens’

Bad things about growing up and challenges that we face-

‘Our breasts develops and sometimes that pains so I hate it’

‘We are told to not wear short dresses and always wear clothes that cover our body’

‘Hairs grow all over body especially in our private parts’

‘We are not allowed to go out of house in the late evening or night because it’s not safe’

‘We get periods, experience pain in stomach, legs and weakness because of it’

‘We are scolded for every small things’

‘Anger and irritability increases as we grow’

‘Attraction between boys and girls increases’

‘We get pimples and it makes us look ugly’

‘Girls are told to stay away from boys’

Taking cue from the discussion, various physical changes that take place during adolescence and information about private parts were explained. It was also important to let them know that these changes happen to everyone irrespective to gender during adolescence and it’s perfectly fine to be vulnerable, sad or confused about the changes but it’s crucial to ask if you feel something is not right or if you have questions around what you are going through!

 

Diving into the question of 'Who am I?' with the adolescent boys!

“I like to dance but never had courage to go for it, however my classmates motivated me and then finally last year I participated into group dance. Now I can dance and enjoy without hesitation”

“My friends helped me get into sports. I was so scared initially but now that fear is no more and I enjoy playing sports”

The session on identity with the students of Government School started on a very different note – unlike our usual group number, here we had 80+ students in a smaller space with less time but with an unbinding enthusiasm. We were thrilled, excited and yet on our toes with our beginning in a new Government School.

We began with a quick introduction of Sahas and our work followed by engaging on the agreements for creating a safe and inclusive space – the approach we followed was very different and the response received was enthralling.

This was followed by inviting the participants to create their identity maps that included exploring their lives, likes, dislikes, ambitions, aspirations and others. What captured me was the openness and eagerness of the students in participating and sharing their thoughts! Some of the interesting aspect was to achieve bigger dreams to make their parents happy, love for writing songs, engage in dance and engaging in household chores etc.

Through the life cycle of human being, we engaged on understanding how our identity changes over course of life, with age and how that affects us. This was followed by sharing story of a girl through her teenage to adult life in order to emphasize on the importance of holding on to certain values that could shape our present and future. This story was created, shaped and shared in a way to tell positive attributes or values however with this group many thoughtful outcomes surfaced! So while the students do believed that the girl was strong, honest, never shied away from sharing her feelings but they also shared that this girl was lonely, wanted friends and was sad. This just shows how perspective adolescents are, they could easily tap on the feelings which were not said clearly- seeing by the expressions of many of the students – it seemed that they could relate to it, wanting to say that this is my story and that’s how I feel.

In all our other sessions with various groups of adolescents, we have encountered animosity between students, dislike between them but this group set a splendid example of peer support and co-learning. Here we discovered how students have supported their peers in engaging in their aspirations of dancing, singing, sports and even studies. It is so important to tap into this energy for constant encouragement of support and growth.

Moving towards the last activity where the participants were encouraged to write their positive attributes ‘Seeing good in ourselves’ – the enthusiasm was just unmatched; we could see everyone just asking the meaning of various words and jotting them down on paper.

‘I am very hard working; I complete my homework and wash my own clothes’

As against many logistics hassles, it is needless to say that this experience was amazing and we are excited to see how our sessions go by with our new set of the participants.

Exploring 'Who am I?' with the adolescent boys of Government School

“Boys never indulge in backbiting or gossiping like girls”

The session on ‘Who am I?’ with the adolescent boys of Government School began with the introduction of our crazy selves. Many hilarious, interesting and scandalous incidents were shared by the participants.

‘I can repair any bikes and cars’

‘I went to Rajapuri without telling anybody’

‘I have bunked classes many a times’

‘I have smoked, tried ganja too’

‘I drank beer and went out with my girlfriend’

‘I rode over dog’s tail’

Post this, the participants were invited to fill the pre-assessment forms to get a grasp of their understanding on various issues of adolescents.

‘I have never heard these questions – so many weird questions!’

One of the important activities in this session, is where the participants create their identity maps which involves exploring oneself, figuring out things they associate with their identity! In our daily lives, be it any age group – we hardly invest time for ourselves, constantly racing to do something, achieve something, interact with others or be someone so this activity gives that missed time to the students.

‘I enjoy going to the park and play games’

‘I love writing songs’

‘I enjoy dancing’

‘I love sleeping’

‘I like helping mother with household chores’

‘I love watching film shoots’

‘I hate fighting and arguing’

‘I don’t like Science at all’

‘I don’t like staying at home at all’

‘I enjoy laughing and being happy’

However one of the identity map caught my attention, where the participant had shared all the good things about himself – it was good to hear especially in these times when people constantly remind you of your flaws or shortcomings but holding on to best in yourself is definitely endearing. 

On asking how it felt when the participants hear others having similar points in their identity maps – “I felt good because someone shares the same perspective, we have something in common and we are not alone!”

On the other hand, not finding anything common – “I don’t like it, it makes me feel different like I am not part of this.”

It was interesting to see that in the very first session, we got the glimpse of strong gender stereotypes among the participants along with peer pressure in terms of indulging in drugs/smoking and making girlfriends as a tool of showing off or to prove a point.

One of the conversations that I had with a boy who was constantly interrupting and commenting on others cemented my belief that it’s so important to speak to adolescents beyond studies in order to understand why they are doing what they are doing!

Me: You do realize that this class is not mandatory so if you don’t want you can leave!

Participant: But I want to sit.

Me: You can! But you are not paying attention, you are commenting, threatening others. You can speak to others in civilized way.

Participant: Didi, I have to assert myself. If I don’t do this, they won’t listen to me. I have to appear strong and scary sometimes – that’s cool and people can’t take you for granted!

In the same session, I had an absolutely opposite conversation.

One of the participants shared that he loves helping his parents. I was very curious because most of the times people say that to create an impression and may not really mean it – so I inquired more on this.

Participant: After I finish my school, I go to my father’s stall and help him with his work. His stall is near the other school. Then I go home and finish my homework. And then I help my mother with household chores.

All the time, while he spoke about what he does, there was a smile playing on his face indicating his happiness no regret! I was stunned by the honesty and genuine attitude of this young boy.