Engaging on consent and boundaries while building knowledge on 'sex and love' with adolescent boys.

Me: So, do you think he should have asked Paro before kissing her? Raise your hand to agree.

Only 2 boys out of 30 raised their hands to say that the boy should have asked for consent before kissing Paro.

Me: Why do you think it’s okay to kiss without seeking permission?

One of the participant: If we asked, she would never say yes and probably slap me.

Another: She might tell her parents.

Another boy: Girls don’t always say what they want; even if she wanted she won’t say!

And there were roars of laughter, smug expressions and lot of murmurs – I was left wondering ‘how are they getting these messages, from where did they get this understanding that it’s okay to act against one’s consent and take pride in doing so!  This is not as simple as it appears; this reflects deeper issues where they really don’t know the impact of their attitude and behaviors. They are adapting to the messages given by the society and media and inculcating without questioning the same. This is how the session on ‘Love, sex and consent’ began with the second set of adolescent boys from Government School, Dwarka.

The prime objective of sharing the story of Paro is to enquire their understanding of consent and build a discourse over the same. On the question, what would Paro do, if she is being kissed in the classroom by a boy; following were the answers-

‘Will beat him mercilessly’

‘Break the friendship’

‘If she enjoys the kiss, the friendship would reach next level’

‘She might complain to her parents or brother or teacher’

‘She would kiss him back’

‘She won’t do anything’

‘Won’t be able to understand what is happening?’

‘She would be shy or may be scared or ashamed’

‘She would fall in love with him’

Taking cue from their sharing, we engaged on what is consent, how and why it is important through a role play! 

In the next activity, the participants were invited to share ‘Have you ever heard the word sex?’

‘I have seen in the movies, condom advertisements come on television’

‘One of my friend said that he has done sex’

‘I have seen boys and girls kissing in the park’

‘I have seen uncle and aunty doing sex in a house in the neighborhood’

‘I have seen porn videos of (name of two pornstars)’

‘My friends were talking about what happens during sex’

‘I have seen people engaging sex in our neighborhood lane; in the science textbook’

‘I have heard my friends saying that sex give pleasure, our penis should be big for sex’

‘My friend told me that sex is something that should be done in private space, engaging in sex in public space is wrong’

‘Delhi has a place named GB road where people do sex openly’

This surprised me a lot because 1-2 people from each group had seen people engaging in sex in park, one of the groups spoke about red light area and 2 groups clearly spoke about porn videos and porn stars – these participants are 12-13 years old. All these boys do have some or more information on sex, the word which is extremely taboo-ed, not talked about in households and school so from where they are getting this information, is this half-baked information leading them to experimentation? And how do parents or adults not aware about it considering there is no conversation and a silent agreement that kids will learn this magically when they grow up!

This is why we engaged on where do babies come from? What exactly is sex? What is condom? Is marriage necessary to have sex? Right age for sex and others through videos and role plays!

This was followed by out pour of questions-

‘What is Kamasutra?’

‘Is it okay to be friends with girls?’

‘What is abortion?’

‘What is sterilization? Who does that? Do women also wear condoms?’

‘What are XX and XY chromosomes have to do with babies?’ -   This gave me an excellent opportunity to talk about what determines the sex of the child and how women are not responsible for the sex of the child as against popular belief.

‘Why does our penis hardens on its own? Sometimes in night too’

‘Why do girls use carrot or banana in videos?’

Through these questions we engaged on the topic of masturbation.

Some of the participants inquired about porn videos, saying the name of porn stars written by other people – asking who they are. Another important question – was in these videos, the people don’t wear condoms – do they get pregnant often and is it safe to do same? 

These questions lead to an amazing and very informative conversation on safe sex and porn. This was probably the first time where we had this kind of discourse, because it was also important to share that everything that they see in porn is not real, they create unnecessary expectations and don’t give right information. Using an analogy to the entertainment movies the kids are so fond of – gave them insights and also understanding that it might be fun to watch but probably think before actually trying it out.  

“Why don’t they just ban the porn? I don’t like this” – another very important question that came from the participant.

It was also very important discourse for me as a facilitator because discussing a topic (specially porn) where women are sexualized and objectified to core could have been overwhelming, at the same time it should be conversed in a way that the tabooed topics are normalized so that shame around it or the privilege that only boys can boost about it could be challenged. Being able to have this conversation makes me feel great because I have come a long way from 2015 where I was hardly aware to now where I can openly share without even the thought of ‘how’ coming to my brains.

The participants though very young indulge in abuses and hurls very easily, I have heard them verbally abusing each other and some of them complaining to me about it. So, we engaged on what actually these abuses/cuss words/swear words means, the participants were taken aback, paled and were surprised to understand the meaning because till now they have been using it as form of insults casually, and it meant that they are cool! 

At the end of the workshop, while I was packing logistics – I heard a boy swearing aloud at someone. Before I could say something, he was pale and profusely started apologizing. This just indicated how seriously they are taking our sessions but at the same time I had to assure him that what he did was out of habit, it is so usual for them to say these words as part of their conversations that this habit will take some time to die out. He once again apologized to his fellow classmate and promised to work on this. I was happy that they are able to recognize it and are ready to change the narratives based on their learning.

Before I could leave the classroom, one of the boy stopped me and asked-

‘You seem to know so much. But you said that even you didn’t know all this when you were of our age. Also you mentioned how tabooed it is in our society so how do you know so much?’

I could just smile – the questions, concerns and ability to challenge the current narratives are all giving us the strength to keep working because each step we are taking is paving the path for the world free of gender based violence.

Engaging with the adolescent boys on 'Love, sex and consent'

Boy- "I saw a boy grabbing a girl's hand. She didn't like it even threatened him that she will call someone."

Me- "Did you do something? Did you try and stop him"

Boy- "He was tall, if i stop him, he would have beaten me"

Me- "You could have asked for help or may be just shouted!"

Boy- "But why would I do that. There were two men who saw the same thing, but they didn't do anything. If they didn't do anything, why should i do anything?"

This is how we as people are teaching our younger generation to become bystanders with zero responsibility and then we have the audacity to complain that the crimes are increasing and put the blame on others! The session on ‘Love, sex and consent’ with the participants of Government school left me with feeling unsettled and emotionally rattled. 

The session began with the story of Paro, a 13 year old girl and what happens when a boy is attracted to her. On asking what would you do if you were Paro at the end of the story- the reactions were something that were expected and some were weird-

‘No, I can’t be Paro. I will be Ram’

‘She would kiss him back’

‘She would become shy and run away’

‘If she loved the kiss, she would kiss him back’

‘She would slap him and would never meet him again’

‘She would probably share what is going on with her. May be the boy would also tell her’

‘She would either inform the teacher or her parents’

Clearly they weren’t putting themselves in the shoes of Paro, so we prompted suggesting if they are touched by someone who is a stranger then what would you do?

‘I will be fine with that’s a girl’

‘If an old man kisses me, maybe he didn’t get to enjoy it in his early life’

‘I would beat that person, slap him’

‘I would ask him why he did that to me.’

‘Feeling miserable, weird’

‘This would be bad touch, not right!’

While we are engaging on this discussion, one of the boys leaped towards another projecting as if kissing him – the other boy made a disgusted face, telling him to stop and almost hitting him. So, I used that example to explain that this is how one react when they are touched forcibly or without their consent. The boy immediately said – it’s because he was the boy otherwise it would have been good. On the serious note, they were clearly not getting the depth of the issue, so we twisted the situation and performed role play to engage on the importance of consent and how to actually say Yes or No and also what to do when you hear NO!

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 and were asked to share on the question – ‘where have you heard the word sex or have you seen it?’

‘I saw someone doing sex in my neighborhood ’

‘We studied something of that sort in our science textbook’

‘I have seen sex happening in American pie’

‘I have seen boys and girls doing it in sector 14 park’

‘I had seen my Math teacher watching sex video on his phone when I was in 6^th class.’

‘I have seen my neighbor watching sex videos on his phone’

‘I had seen actor and actress doing sex in movies’

‘I had seen my friend kiss a girl and then engage in sex with her’

‘I had seen some person doing sex behind the bushes in the park’

‘Our tuition teacher taught us about sex organs’

‘Seen it in advertisements of condom’

‘I have heard a boy and girl talk about sex in the park’

‘I have seen porn videos’

‘I have seen boys and girls kiss near DPS lane, also saw people touching each other private parts and engage in sex’

The important question now is – Do we still believe that we shouldn’t engage with adolescents on sex or believe that they will learn about it when they grow up or get married? Clearly these 12 or 13 year olds have not just heard the word, but have seen people doing sex and above all they are also engaging in sexual activities! This is alarming and not very safe for either these boys or their partners. So, we screened the videos explaining sex and condom in the most fun way.  

Few things caught my attention during this discussion and conversation was – the way boys understand and are curious about sex is so very different from girls, it seems that they see sex as a privilege, something that gives them not just pleasure but also leverage over other gender, the smug look and pointed question emphasizing that they can do whatever they feel like and get away with it. Secondly there were few boys who apparently had knowledge about sex, so when others were asking questions – they were trying to either make faces or shut the person down as if these things shouldn’t be talked in open spaces and must be kept wrapped under the table. Hence it became equally important to engage on these points and debunk the mindsets so that they have healthy and well informed mindset towards sex rather than an ignorant, rudimentary and power driven thought process over the same.

Boy: What happens when a girl of 12-13 years old get pregnant with consent or not, because then her family would want to get abortion done to save their honor. What exactly is abortion? This one question was crucial which brought out the social connotation of a very physiological aspect of ‘child birth’. Such questions always caught us with surprise as these conversations do happen on big polished platforms but hearing it from adolescents bring out a complete opposite perspective on the issues of sexuality, reproductive health and abortion. 

In the same session, the queries related to masturbation came up – leading to the discussion as to whether it is healthy or not, certain myths associated with it and questions like – when does semen start coming out? To the confession that nothing of that happened to me! Other questions included –

‘How does condom look like?’

‘What if I don’t want to wear condom?’

‘Do we alternatives of condom?’

‘What does it mean that there are condoms with different flavors? What has flavor to do with condom?’

‘Do women also wear condoms?’

‘Condom is not 100% secure, it might burst during sex or may be overfilled!’

‘Our society cares more about honor and respect however same is not the case in foreign countries, in their schools people talk openly about it, do sex and have condom vending machines too!’

In the last part of session, we engaged on ‘what are periods, taboos associated with it and why this information is important for boys?’ The discussion seemed little rushed but brought out very crucial points and questions-

‘So, how do we know when a girl is bleeding?’

‘Boys must know about periods so that when we get married we could help our wives and children’

‘Many a times, boys make fun of girls and use this as  means to mock them but if we are aware how important periods are – we won’t be making fun instead we could support them – may be buy sanitary pads or help in household chores’

One of the boys on returning from washroom shared, “I was in hurry so I went to girls washroom (none of the girls were there because afternoon time is for all boys school) there I saw someone left sanitary pad!”

This session also brought out lot of other issues like body image, racial discrimination where one of the boys called other by slang for black people, peer pressure and use of abuses. It was not an easy session to engage on not just because of the topic but all the additions that came during the session. This was challenging, brought lot of insights and in the way supported participants to understand and acknowledge the privileges they have received by just being boy!

Consent, sex and love: Much needed conversations with adolescent girls

“Even if she loved him or was friends with him, she never asked him to touch or rather kiss her.”

This one statement says a lot of things, expresses lot of feelings and generates dilemma as to how one needs to negotiate consent; how does one understand that talking or being friends, gestures like laughing or being close to someone doesn’t mean you are given a free pass to infringe other’s bodily integrity in the name of expressing oneself. In our society while girls are never taught to give consent or say NO to things that involves them whether asking for something or making a choice on the another hand, the environment created gives full hand opportunity to boys to do whatever they feel like in terms of acting on their choices which may or mayn’t involve other person so they safely assume that it’s not really necessary to ask others especially girls. 

This might sound like a judgment but to back with logic – we can take examples from recent cases of sexual harassment where the accused were very learned men – judges, film makers, politicians, journalists- all these men in their statement said that the victim never said no, made gestures which were inviting, they didn’t hear a NO! Even the judicial system gave away the statements that questioned victims on whether they actually said NO? It’s weird how people don’t understand – No! The idea of this session was to engage with the adolescent girls on sex, condoms, love and relationships and most importantly consent – telling them it is their right that they can say yes or no to things that want or don’t want.  

The session on ‘Sex education’ began with the story of Paro which ended with the question as to what would you do if you were Paro? Some answers were predictable, some were unique and some of them were questions!

‘I would slap him’

‘I would beat the shit out of him’

‘Tell my parents or tutor or friends’

‘Would leave the tuition’

‘I would ask why he did this to me.’

‘I would kiss back’

‘Surprised, may be stare back’

‘This was against her will, she would tell him that’

‘The kiss was on cheek or on lips?’

In the next activity, the participants were divided into the groups of 4 and were asked to share ‘whether they have heard the word sex in school, family, friends or seen on TV’

‘We have seen sex in many movies (they named the particular movies) and my friends do talk about sex’

‘I have read something about sex in science textbooks as to how babies are made when parents have sex’

‘My friend told me that sex happens between boy and girl’

‘I have seen that boy and girl kissed in the play guard perfume advertisement and in a TV serial’

‘Yes, I have seen boys and girls staying very very close to each other and kissing’

‘I have heard this word from my sister, my friends also told me that all boys and girls have sex at some point. I have seen people doing sex in movies’

‘I have read in the newspaper – if you have problems related to sex, contact on this number or addresses’

‘I haven’t heard about sex but I do know about good touch and bad touch’

‘I had asked my sister about sex’

‘I heard from a boy who said I will have sex with my girlfriend’

Usually we screen movies to explain sex and condoms, however here we prepared role plays to explain the same. It was interesting and new thing for us too – seeing the reactions of the participants we safely can say that it worked well. After performing the play building understanding on sex, the outpour of questions paved the need for explaining condoms. With these plays, we could also see the discomfort and fear on their faces which actually points out at the ways girls and boys are raised. Even when they were not exactly aware of the word sex, they knew that it’s something bad or something that brings shame, and when they knew what sex is – they are scared for various reasons! This disheartens me because just being a girl in this society comes with a huge burden that acknowledging one might be interested in engaging in sex could be a scary thought not because of the process but what would people think of me? We tried dwelling on this feeling as well. 

Lot of questions were asked to us privately and not in the large group with the fact that many of them were still struggling with this new knowledge-

‘Are there female condoms too?’

‘How does a condom look like?’

‘Who can get pregnant?’

‘Any alternatives of condoms’

While I was answering individual questions, slowly many other girls too joined in with curiosity and more questions. This really uplifted my mood as we might have been little successful in challenging the shame around sex and supporting the girls understand that talking about sex after alls is nothing to be ashamed off.