Engaging on consent and boundaries while building knowledge on 'sex and love' with adolescent boys.

Me: So, do you think he should have asked Paro before kissing her? Raise your hand to agree.

Only 2 boys out of 30 raised their hands to say that the boy should have asked for consent before kissing Paro.

Me: Why do you think it’s okay to kiss without seeking permission?

One of the participant: If we asked, she would never say yes and probably slap me.

Another: She might tell her parents.

Another boy: Girls don’t always say what they want; even if she wanted she won’t say!

And there were roars of laughter, smug expressions and lot of murmurs – I was left wondering ‘how are they getting these messages, from where did they get this understanding that it’s okay to act against one’s consent and take pride in doing so!  This is not as simple as it appears; this reflects deeper issues where they really don’t know the impact of their attitude and behaviors. They are adapting to the messages given by the society and media and inculcating without questioning the same. This is how the session on ‘Love, sex and consent’ began with the second set of adolescent boys from Government School, Dwarka.

The prime objective of sharing the story of Paro is to enquire their understanding of consent and build a discourse over the same. On the question, what would Paro do, if she is being kissed in the classroom by a boy; following were the answers-

‘Will beat him mercilessly’

‘Break the friendship’

‘If she enjoys the kiss, the friendship would reach next level’

‘She might complain to her parents or brother or teacher’

‘She would kiss him back’

‘She won’t do anything’

‘Won’t be able to understand what is happening?’

‘She would be shy or may be scared or ashamed’

‘She would fall in love with him’

Taking cue from their sharing, we engaged on what is consent, how and why it is important through a role play! 

In the next activity, the participants were invited to share ‘Have you ever heard the word sex?’

‘I have seen in the movies, condom advertisements come on television’

‘One of my friend said that he has done sex’

‘I have seen boys and girls kissing in the park’

‘I have seen uncle and aunty doing sex in a house in the neighborhood’

‘I have seen porn videos of (name of two pornstars)’

‘My friends were talking about what happens during sex’

‘I have seen people engaging sex in our neighborhood lane; in the science textbook’

‘I have heard my friends saying that sex give pleasure, our penis should be big for sex’

‘My friend told me that sex is something that should be done in private space, engaging in sex in public space is wrong’

‘Delhi has a place named GB road where people do sex openly’

This surprised me a lot because 1-2 people from each group had seen people engaging in sex in park, one of the groups spoke about red light area and 2 groups clearly spoke about porn videos and porn stars – these participants are 12-13 years old. All these boys do have some or more information on sex, the word which is extremely taboo-ed, not talked about in households and school so from where they are getting this information, is this half-baked information leading them to experimentation? And how do parents or adults not aware about it considering there is no conversation and a silent agreement that kids will learn this magically when they grow up!

This is why we engaged on where do babies come from? What exactly is sex? What is condom? Is marriage necessary to have sex? Right age for sex and others through videos and role plays!

This was followed by out pour of questions-

‘What is Kamasutra?’

‘Is it okay to be friends with girls?’

‘What is abortion?’

‘What is sterilization? Who does that? Do women also wear condoms?’

‘What are XX and XY chromosomes have to do with babies?’ -   This gave me an excellent opportunity to talk about what determines the sex of the child and how women are not responsible for the sex of the child as against popular belief.

‘Why does our penis hardens on its own? Sometimes in night too’

‘Why do girls use carrot or banana in videos?’

Through these questions we engaged on the topic of masturbation.

Some of the participants inquired about porn videos, saying the name of porn stars written by other people – asking who they are. Another important question – was in these videos, the people don’t wear condoms – do they get pregnant often and is it safe to do same? 

These questions lead to an amazing and very informative conversation on safe sex and porn. This was probably the first time where we had this kind of discourse, because it was also important to share that everything that they see in porn is not real, they create unnecessary expectations and don’t give right information. Using an analogy to the entertainment movies the kids are so fond of – gave them insights and also understanding that it might be fun to watch but probably think before actually trying it out.  

“Why don’t they just ban the porn? I don’t like this” – another very important question that came from the participant.

It was also very important discourse for me as a facilitator because discussing a topic (specially porn) where women are sexualized and objectified to core could have been overwhelming, at the same time it should be conversed in a way that the tabooed topics are normalized so that shame around it or the privilege that only boys can boost about it could be challenged. Being able to have this conversation makes me feel great because I have come a long way from 2015 where I was hardly aware to now where I can openly share without even the thought of ‘how’ coming to my brains.

The participants though very young indulge in abuses and hurls very easily, I have heard them verbally abusing each other and some of them complaining to me about it. So, we engaged on what actually these abuses/cuss words/swear words means, the participants were taken aback, paled and were surprised to understand the meaning because till now they have been using it as form of insults casually, and it meant that they are cool! 

At the end of the workshop, while I was packing logistics – I heard a boy swearing aloud at someone. Before I could say something, he was pale and profusely started apologizing. This just indicated how seriously they are taking our sessions but at the same time I had to assure him that what he did was out of habit, it is so usual for them to say these words as part of their conversations that this habit will take some time to die out. He once again apologized to his fellow classmate and promised to work on this. I was happy that they are able to recognize it and are ready to change the narratives based on their learning.

Before I could leave the classroom, one of the boy stopped me and asked-

‘You seem to know so much. But you said that even you didn’t know all this when you were of our age. Also you mentioned how tabooed it is in our society so how do you know so much?’

I could just smile – the questions, concerns and ability to challenge the current narratives are all giving us the strength to keep working because each step we are taking is paving the path for the world free of gender based violence.