Engaging on 'Gender based violence' with the boys of Government School

‘Didi, I understand what is violence and it’s wrong! Now tell me what I can do if I ever see something like this happening in front of me?’

The session on ‘Gender based violence’ with the second set of the participants began with the game of ‘Wolf and sheep’ ; interestingly even before instructions were given, the boys in the circle literally pounced on the person inside exactly behaving as wolf – this basically set the tone of the workshop.

We engaged with the boys to gather their understanding of violence in broader sense. Following this, certain statements were read out and they were asked whether they think this act comes under violence. They agreed that verbal abuse as in using cuss words, molesting and raping girls, beating wife comes under violence but when they rejected out rightly that if husband forces his wife to have sex- that doesn’t come under violence.

‘She is his wife, they are married so why there is a need?’

‘If he doesn’t engage in sex, then she might have sex with someone else?’

‘She might be having affair that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband’

‘If he can’t have sex with wife, where would he go?’

All these answers indicated their inner fears, insecurity and toxic masculinity – so addressing this became inevitable. When we said that there must be law against marital rape, and people are working towards it, one of the participants said loudly, “This is insane. Such laws shouldn’t be enforced; it’s so unfair towards boys.”

This is when once again we realized the importance of our work at Sahas, when a 13 years old think this way, has this sort of mindsets what kind of man he would become? This ignorance if addressed now can actually support him in challenging these stereotypes and debunking toxic masculinity. 

Another statement was that girls take privilege of these laws and can get innocent people in jail! I was wondering how these messages are integrated in their young minds- only one way to deal with it was to show them the real picture. Sharing the narratives to explain what gender discrimination does to girls, “As compared to boys, girls get very less chances to go out and study. But when girls go out, boys molest them, harass them and tried to touch them inappropriately. They get scared, sometimes they don’t even understand how to tackle the situation so they choose to ignore all this and never tell their parents. Because if they tell their parents, either they will be locked in their homes with the fear that something can happen to them or with an accusation that they must have done something to attract the attention of boys. They won’t be allowed to study, then maybe they would be married off and boom they lose every chance to make their dream come true!”

The boys were silent, almost surprised and pained that what action they consider small might ruin a girl’s life.

Following this discussion, gender based violence, various forms and laws against violence were explained. It was interesting to see many boys asking as to what they can do to prevent such incidence which definitely was a happy surprise for us. We at Sahas have always been told that it’s great that you are working with adolescents and children, this information is much needed that’s all but they can’t really challenge gender based violence. The non-availability of information to the people is the biggest challenge in our country. Unfortunately many a time’s people who have information don’t know how to actually curb the distress or violence. We are actually resolving this gap between information and action needed by demonstrating live examples of challenging the violence.  We engage with adolescents by imparting the information that is needed during their age group to address various changes that are happening in their lives and around them, plus empowering them to take actions in the situations and we are building gender sensitive mindsets in these adolescents so that they are well informed and better citizens.

The interesting aspect of safe space that we have co-created with adolescents is that without being scared or ashamed, they are coming forward asking questions, discussing their stories, asking for suggestions and building a connect with us as trusted adults.

‘But how do I speak to my sister. She is very shy and will never open up on these issues.’

This was one of the most interesting queries which is also a step towards building better society not just for ourselves for others as well. 

“When we came to speak to all of you, we were 2 stranger girls. You didn’t know us; we build conversations slowly and bonded with every workshop. Now see how far have we come, you ask any sort of questions with us. If you can talk to strangers then what is stopping you from speaking to your own sister.”

With these two interventions, the whole objective of engaging with adolescent boys has taken a different turn. The boys hear so many things, they think on the same lines, they experiment and abide to toxic masculinity and peer pressure which results in not understanding consent, engaging in gender based violence and exerting the superiority of their gender – so now that they have understood how wrong is this, they can challenge the narrative and build better society where people get to do what they wish for irrespective of their gender, color, caste or creed! Huge dream, Vast vision but small steps towards the goal, I am very happy that I am able to contribute to this dream of world free of gender based violence.

From mocking 'rape' to understanding how grave is rape to challenging Gender based violence!

‘If a boy is just following the girl and doing nothing else, then how is that violence’

It was for the first time that we conducted a session on gender based violence with the adolescent boys as against the session on ‘child sexual abuse’. Right from the beginning of our gender, sexuality and reproductive health program, the boys were using abusive words with each other as if that is part of their language, hit each other during normal conversations, were very proud of the fact that they are boys and above everything they were casually laughing or mocking at the words ‘rape’ ‘molestation’ ‘harassing girls’ ‘gay or hizras’ and others. All these observations and a behavior pattern that was evident in how the boys were conducting themselves led to the decision of creating a session on ‘gender based violence’. 

This was a crucial as well as huge leap even for us in terms of facilitation and program design as we used to follow the process of reflections post every session and include the changes in the next session in the coming interventions. However the gravity of situation and an opportunity to engage participants in a way to inculcate sensitivity towards gender issues, we decided to bring the change in program right away.

The session began with the game of ‘wolf and sheep’ which set the tone for the upcoming conversation. The activity of ‘Judgment circle’ was very intensive, scary as well as reflective. The things we say to others very casually, without paying any heed based on our assumptions and ignorance, what happens when these things are told to you. The helplessness, the feeling of hurtful words makes you uncomfortable can actually build an understanding that ‘think before you say because words cut deeper than knife’

Few of the things participants heard during the activity – abuses, taunts based on color, body weight, mocking laughter and others. In order to process these cathartic feelings the circle was opened for all the participants-

‘I felt really horrible hearing this, I guess the tag behind me was that of hizra’

‘They talked about me eating lot of food, calling me names – it must be fat boy or girl’

‘Someone said that I won’t be able to do anything because now I am married, I have to sit at home and bear kids. I felt helpless’

‘I was delighted because someone praised me that I am a good boy because I help my mother in household chores’

‘I heard lot of bad things – like I am useless, so many abuses: because I drink alcohol.’

The boy that had tag of ‘rape victim’ was beyond upset and was almost on the verge of tears. ‘This is so unfair, why would people say things like that. Can I just go out for a walk, it’s suffocating’

‘I heard abuses rest was okay. People anyways taunt me for my weight. What can I do but to hear those things?’

The impact of this activity was visible on their faces, they appeared exhausted and drained.

Post this very heavy exercise, we read out certain statements that were actually said by the participants in the previous sessions and enquired whether they come under violence or not? Surprisingly most of them agreed that these statements come under violence and they looked very grim about it. Following the explanation on Gender based violence, lot of questions came up-

‘So verbal abusing, using cuss words is violence?’

‘How would we know that girls don’t want to have sex?’

‘If the boy doesn’t want to have sex, can he also say NO?’

‘’Having sex before marriage is okay?”

‘’If a boy engages in sex with a girl and then marries someone else, does that also comes under violence?”

‘If someone’s father forces the girl to do sex with others, is that also violence’

‘If a 20 year old girl has sex with 14 years old, what does that mean?’

This discussion was then marked with a very tough and important question – ‘then why do people rape girls?’ 

While talking about molestation, sex trafficking, street harassment and rape, a boy quickly said that if this is the scenario then girls must learn self-defense. Again this was a great opportunity to engage on the fact that why we always prepare would be/supposed victims to be ready to defend the attack, why not attack the mindset or the possible predator? I guess if we engage intensively on gender mindsets and norms, then there won’t be this need to learn to defend- this tendency also reflects gendered mindset!

Another important conversation that cropped was about husband engaging in sex with their wife whether they give consent or not – the quick answer was that she is his wife, they should have sex why is there need to say yes or no in that? Here bringing out the contradiction that we just established that forcing yourself on girls is rape, then how is it okay to force oneself on wife is okay? How is 13 year old thinking that it’s okay for husbands to do anything with their wife as if they are mere property who has no say in the decisions of her life? It was difficult yet important to make them understand that just like boys girls married, not married or with any status has right and say in their lives and associated decisions. This actually surprised them.

Post this conversation; the participants shared incidences of gender based violence from their communities-

‘There is a red light area near my community; very young girls are seen wearing very small clothes’

‘There is a colony near school from where boys and girls are constantly disappearing’

‘There was a new borne girl who was found in the bushes near by’

‘I have heard people giving certain medicines and then they do sex’

They talked about trafficking, domestic violence, molestation and forced sex work, it was very scary to hear them talk about witnessing such grave offenses.

The session culminated by sharing of various laws against the offenders of CSA, domestic violence, rape, stalking, physical and verbal abuse and others.

The day ended on a bright note, when one of the teachers appreciated us – ‘what you girls are doing is the actual work, you are making them better individuals, responsible citizen, it is so much better than just education. The way you addressed everyone about child sexual abuse in the assembly, I wish you could take up more issues and talk to all the students once in a while. Such conversations are much needed.’

Child sexual abuse: Is it just about good touch or bad touch?

‘I went to a marriage function where some men were drinking alcohol. They were staring at me and my friends in a very uncomfortable way. We ran away from that place.’

The session on ‘child sexual abuse’ is the most crucial part of our Gender, sexuality and reproductive health program. We engage on various issues that adolescents face while in puberty and co-create a safe space where they feel free to ask questions, share and listen to the stories of their peers without the fear of being judged. So, by the time we come to the session on CSA, they are actually comfortable with their bodies and understand the feelings and thoughts related to one’s body.

The idea here is not to just talk about what is good touch or bad touch but a broader objective of understanding feelings associated with the touch – because there may be incidences where someone sees you or makes you uncomfortable in certain way without touching you, there are times when you are confused as to what is happening to me and it becomes difficult to identify if the touch is good or bad? Then what are we supposed to do? When people you trust touch you inappropriately or someone in your family or close relatives does that – how do we understand that touch? Being a child or adolescent will anyone listen to you and help you in those situations? Can you say No or seek help when this happens to you. All these questions are addressed in this session, along with building their capacity to say “NO” to Child sexual abuse and asking for help in the situation of distress.  

The session began with understanding what is good touch and bad touch; the parts of the body that are not supposed to be touched by others without your permission followed by understanding feelings associated with the touch. This is followed by explaining in detail child sexual abuse and what to do if one encounters such a situation.

Girls have shared the incidences of being touched inappropriately by boys, uncles, closely related brothers and neighbors. 

‘I was traveling in the bus where I saw a big boy touching girl in a wrong way’

‘I saw a boy doing bad touch to a girl in my neighborhood. That girl shouted loudly and pushed the boy’

‘While I was dropping my brother to his friend’s place, I saw an uncle touching a girl inappropriately in her private parts, she was asking for help. I ran to help her but then uncle caught me too. We both got very scared, fortunately there was a puja happening close to the street and one of the aunties was passing by. She helped us both.’

‘Me and my sister were getting our food packed from a restaurant, that time I saw 4 boys harassing and touching a girl inappropriately and saying lot of bad words. My sister said we should go and help her. I was reluctant and said that why get in trouble, my sister left me and went ahead to help the other girl out. We both rescued the girl and went to her home to drop her safely’

‘One of the girls in my colony went to fetch water; an uncle followed her and tried to touch her. She started shouting and then ran away. She informed her family who then reported to the police and that uncle was jailed after that’

‘I was alone in my house because my mother had gone to village. Seeing me alone in the house, a boy came in and tried to touch me. I slapped him hard and pushed him’

‘I had gone to a wedding where we all were dancing. One of the boys started dancing close to me and touched me. I was furious so I slapped him in front of everyone’

Post this, we engaged with the girls to create safety action plan so that they can challenge Child sexual abuse. It is an interesting tool where they learn about saying No, asking for help and how to act if someone touches them inappropriately through stories.

‘If I were in place of that girl, I would push him away, run to someone elder and make sure that man gets punishment for touching me. No one should touch others without their permission, this feeling is worse and it doesn’t go just like that.’