What does it mean to have a perfect body and being beautiful?

“I was so confused when you asked us to pair up with a person whom I least talk to! I didn’t know what to write because with friends we know what opinion they have about us but with stranger I didn’t get a great feeling. I was worried”

The session with girls began with an activity where they were asked to pair up with a person in the group with whom they have interacted least and then write ‘what your partner would think about your body?’ This activity encountered a lot of resistance as girls wanted to be paired up with their friends however we helped them understand the need with one of the agreements of the workshop - openness and full participation! Few of the sharing included- 

‘She must be thinking that my hairs are too small, why I would do so much fashion and that I am fat’

‘That I am fat, have pimples on my face and have rough hairs’

‘She might be thinking that I am too thin and have very light hairs. My friends always tease me by calling me kakdi and tell me to eat more so that I can gain some weight’

‘She must be wondering why my ears and nose is not pierced, why I don’t braid my hairs, why is she so fat and why she is dumb in studies’

‘She must be thinking as to how fat I am, my dress is too loose and have dark complexion’

‘That why I have dark complexion, why don’t I put oil in my hairs and why am I not fashionable’

‘She must be thinking that I should be taller, slimmer and must have long hairs’

‘That I am fat and not beautiful’

‘That I am black, fat, have short hairs and I look ugly. I don’t fight with others so may be she thinks I am coward’

‘She must be thinking that how she is so beautiful, what she does to have such long hairs and how is she so attractive’

‘I have bad and uneven teeth’

‘Previously I used to have long hairs, now that they are short I feel weird’

‘She thinks that I am short, have dark complexion, puts too much oil in hairs, failure and very arrogant’

‘Who knows she might hate me strongly’

‘Why is she so tall, why she has such big lips, why she doesn’t speak to people?’

‘She might be thinking as to why I put eyeliner every day, why she is arrogant and stubborn, how is she fairer than me. How do I be friendly with other?’

When the last statement was read out by the participant, everyone said yes she is very arrogant! It was very important to actually stop them from pointing out instead build a conversation where this judgment could be processed and cater her need to be friendlier.

On asking how participants felt about writing this-

‘Felt weird, was vulnerable while writing about this. Post that I felt light to let this off my head’

‘Why do people think about us like this?’

‘I was wondering what she might be thinking about me – positive or negative’

‘I felt really bad’

‘Am I that ugly?’

‘Why would she think like this about me?’

The important point here is that all of the participants actually wrote negative things about them from their partner’s point of view. None of them thought that may be their partner would be thinking about their positive attributes- why do they think like this? When someone says they don’t really care, the truth is you care that’s why you are thinking about it and writing it too – this is what body image is all about!

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 and asked to discuss on certain questions as follows

Perfect boy- Handsome, fair, smart, should have height as an actor (name not mentioned), good hairs, must be polite and not rowdy, should have abs, great hairstyle, cute,  short hairs, should be loving, blue eyes, little beard.

Perfect girl – Long hairs, fair, fit and smart body,  she must be well mannered, must have good values, beautiful, slim, hot, beautiful lips, good figure, eyelashes should be long, should have moderate height.

From where did they learn about perfect boy and girl- Family, television, friends, advertisements, from the advertisements for marriage in the newspaper.

Have you ever been teased about your body-

‘I have been teased and taunted for me being fat’

‘I have been ridiculed for my skin color and because I am too thin’

‘Because of my lips and attitude’

‘My friends constantly remind me that I have weird teeth’

‘People have called me zombie multiple times’

Do you want to change your body? Did you do anything to change your body?

‘I did try by eating less food’

‘I do want to have slim waist’

‘I want to be more fit and increase my height’

‘I have tried to gain weight because I am too thin and my friends keep nagging me for it’

‘I constantly hang on huge things to increase my height’

Through the story of a girl who struggled with her weight and teasing, body image was explained.

In the next part of the session – we read out statements so as to gather an understanding of their peer relationships. So all of them have lied to their parents, bunked classes, involved in fights, stopped speaking to people, brought clothes, trust friends more and wish to look more beautiful because of their friends or with an intention not make their friends upset! The answers given by participants showed that they feel free to share their secrets, questions and vulnerability and in this process they are becoming authentic which is beautiful – that’s why one of the important thing popped up – insecurity of sharing one’s friend with others, they end up restricting their friends from interacting with others assuming that their relationship would be affected.

‘I once stopped speaking to one of the girls from other class due to a fight between her and my friends. Later I felt bad because I had nothing to do in this scenario’

‘I feel really bad when she speaks to other girls, sometimes just to tease me! I don’t like it’

‘There are times when my friend stops me from speaking to others. It doesn’t seem right but she gets angry.’ 

This pattern of peer relationship was identified and we engaged by sharing examples – there is space for every relationships in your life; you can be best friends with one and friends with others too. Also it’s important to give space and time for the friends otherwise if they feel controlled, eventually they would leave. Above all it is equally important to understand that being jealous, insecure and vulnerable is fine but this needs to talked to your friends – that’s why we have friendships.

There were few interesting things that happened like while engaging on agreements – one of the girls explained ‘openness’ as we should be able to speak to our parents freely, if a boy harasses someone, they shouldn’t shy away and immediately share it with their parents.

Secondly one of the girls asked ‘Can girls get pregnant just by kissing? Can a girl conceive if she has sex during periods?’ 

While closing the workshop, the participants asked us whether the two facilitators are siblings; what is their age? Are they married? These questions actually indicated that they are building bonds beyond facilitator and participant relationship; they are considering them as trusted adult who would answer all their curiosities!

Me: Nope I am not married.

Participant: But why?

Me: Because I haven’t found a guy of my choice.

Participant: So, you will marry only when you find your choice of boy?

Me: Yes. We should marry only when you love someone not because you are of certain age.

Participant: But what if you grow old? How would you have sex!

I was surprised because usually people say that you won’t get married if you are old but these girls were actually thinking from our workshops. I was so happy so I took this opportunity to engage to make them comfortable with the idea of sex, age and marriage. This has been one of the most interesting workshops in terms of curiosities and seeing them adapt the agreements into their real lives.