Let's talk about gender beyond the concept of girl and boy!

“There was a family who were not very economically sound. The family had a boy and a girl, their father used to bring phone for boy and doll for girl. On asking why, father said girls should be at home and do household chores. The boy was motivated to study for Engineering and girl was not supported even though she was good in studies and wanted to be an Engineer. The brother used to see this and try to reason out, he believed that his sister deserved a chance, a choice for career. He purposely didn’t do well in exam while his sister progressed. Because of their results, father had no choice but to support daughter in her pursuit for Engineering. We should be like this brother and let our sisters fly!”

The session on ‘Gender and Sexuality’ began with the agreements wherein we engaged on the importance of these values not just in the workshop space but also in real lives. The value of respecting each other was discussed upon considering the participants are still going on with ‘tit for tat’ thought process and right and left abusing each other or demeaning. It was important to make them understand that the words could do so much harm, demeaning each other is sign of weakness and also by building a space where you respect one another can only lead to moving forward. This made certain faces smile probably indicative of building their class in more inclusive and respecting space.

Following this, the participants engaged in ‘Chit activity’ that explores division of roles, strengths and responsibility based on gender. It was interesting to see that at the end of the activity the line which represents roles that can be done by both girls and boys was longest, no one in line of boys and two in line of girls – being pregnant and having periods. This activity was to emphasize that whatever reality that is seen in society, fact remains that almost all the work can be done by both girls and boys. 

The participants were then divided into groups to discuss the messages they have received being a boy-

‘Because I am a boy, I have never been stopped from going out at any time of the day’

‘I can do whatever I wish to’

‘I can play and go out with my friends without asking for permission’

‘I can ride bullet, I can do everything that girls are not allowed to do, I can perform stunts and I can climb trees’

‘I never harass girls’

‘You shouldn’t cry’

‘In terms of job, guys get all liberty but if girls do jobs people talk lot of bad things about them’

‘I am not allowed to do household chores or cook food, I am not allowed to clean or wipe the floors, doesn’t allow to play with doll’

‘My mother tells me not to wash dishes or use broom’

‘I am being told to stay away from the girls’

‘Because we are boys, we are not obligated to do household chores also all my needs are fulfilled without any hassles.’

‘I am constantly reminded to study so that I can do job once I grow up’

‘I have to help my father run shop’

‘We are asked to go out and play in the park. Parents tell us not to spend too much time in homes’

‘We are well fed and also told to have healthy food so that we are well built’

One of the most interesting things in this activity was that one of the groups actually came up with Don’ts –

‘We should never tease, harass or use words for girls’

‘We should never touch the sex organs of girls’

‘We should never go to girl’s toilets’

‘We must never write wrong words on the desks where girls also sit’

‘We must never engage in drugs or any kind of substance abuse’

‘We must not drive vehicle before we are 18’

‘Never engage in gambling or satta’

Though everything was not all that rosy during these activities – the boy who got the chit of being pregnant was constantly teased, one of the boy said to another that you should be a transgender rather than being a boy, there were constant derogatory words being used and an incidence of bullying happened. For us, as important as the content of the workshop is – the issues that crop us holds the same value – so instead of proceeding we paused and spoke to them in stern and very firm way so as to make them understand that this is not okay. About the incidence of bullying – the first step was to support the boy who was affected by having a direct and soothing conversation and lastly confronting the person in the big group. He smiled at the support and the way he carried himself post this conversation made me happy that he would always remember this action and get strength from it to be able to fight against bullies.

After this intense and heated discussion, we built the understanding of gender through the game of Chinese whispers and gender story. It was here we mentioned that whenever you get an opportunity just stop and think that you got this because you are capable or because of your gender!

This was followed by two boys sharing the story and connecting with the concept of gender equality in their own ways. I was surprised and spell bound hearing 13 years old speaking about this in the most sensitive way. This has never happened in our workshops so even if the participants may or may not remember definition of gender, they would definitely remember these stories.

Taking cue from the participant who used sexual identity as a mocking word, we engaged on different gender and sexual identities. To be able to understand that these identities are as important as their identity of being a boy was actually path breaking – to be able to love anyone without this obligation of gender was a new knowledge to them, so they were extremely curious and were asking lots of questions. This was one of the most crucial parts of the session – to make them understand that though we talk about binary of gender, there are lots of people with different identities and using that as cuss words is not okay and its violation. We also took this opportunity to explain sec 377, what it was, why SC abolished it and why people find it difficult to share their identities as boys do!

This was also a moment of realization for us – we have always thought that having a male facilitator along with us while engaging with boys is great idea and it helps in comforting the boys, but during all these sessions, we understood that this is just a mindset hassle. Being of opposite gender and yet engaging with boys is interesting, putting them out of their comfort zone, analyzing the privileges and being opening up as against the norms of society can be a real life changing moment and support each of us in the process of building a world without this discrimination.