‘If a boy is just
following the girl and doing nothing else, then how is that violence’
It was for the first
time that we conducted a session on gender based violence with the adolescent
boys as against the session on ‘child sexual abuse’. Right from the beginning of
our gender, sexuality and reproductive health program, the boys were using
abusive words with each other as if that is part of their language, hit each
other during normal conversations, were very proud of the fact that they are
boys and above everything they were casually laughing or mocking at the words ‘rape’
‘molestation’ ‘harassing girls’ ‘gay or hizras’ and others. All these
observations and a behavior pattern that was evident in how the boys were
conducting themselves led to the decision of creating a session on ‘gender
based violence’.
The session began with
the game of ‘wolf and sheep’ which set the tone for the upcoming conversation. The
activity of ‘Judgment circle’ was very intensive, scary as well as reflective.
The things we say to others very casually, without paying any heed based on our
assumptions and ignorance, what happens when these things are told to you. The
helplessness, the feeling of hurtful words makes you uncomfortable can actually
build an understanding that ‘think before you say because words cut deeper than
knife’
Few of the things
participants heard during the activity – abuses, taunts based on color, body
weight, mocking laughter and others. In order to process these cathartic
feelings the circle was opened for all the participants-
‘I felt really horrible
hearing this, I guess the tag behind me was that of hizra’
‘They talked about me
eating lot of food, calling me names – it must be fat boy or girl’
‘Someone said that I won’t
be able to do anything because now I am married, I have to sit at home and bear
kids. I felt helpless’
‘I was delighted because
someone praised me that I am a good boy because I help my mother in household
chores’
‘I heard lot of bad
things – like I am useless, so many abuses: because I drink alcohol.’
The boy that had tag of
‘rape victim’ was beyond upset and was almost on the verge of tears. ‘This is
so unfair, why would people say things like that. Can I just go out for a walk,
it’s suffocating’
‘I heard abuses rest
was okay. People anyways taunt me for my weight. What can I do but to hear
those things?’
The impact of this
activity was visible on their faces, they appeared exhausted and drained.
Post this very heavy
exercise, we read out certain statements that were actually said by the
participants in the previous sessions and enquired whether they come under violence
or not? Surprisingly most of them agreed that these statements come under
violence and they looked very grim about it. Following the explanation on
Gender based violence, lot of questions came up-
‘So verbal abusing,
using cuss words is violence?’
‘How would we know that
girls don’t want to have sex?’
‘If the boy doesn’t
want to have sex, can he also say NO?’
‘’Having sex before
marriage is okay?”
‘’If a boy engages in
sex with a girl and then marries someone else, does that also comes under
violence?”
‘If someone’s father
forces the girl to do sex with others, is that also violence’
‘If a 20 year old girl
has sex with 14 years old, what does that mean?’
This discussion was
then marked with a very tough and important question – ‘then why do people rape
girls?’
While talking about
molestation, sex trafficking, street harassment and rape, a boy quickly said
that if this is the scenario then girls must learn self-defense. Again this was
a great opportunity to engage on the fact that why we always prepare would be/supposed
victims to be ready to defend the attack, why not attack the mindset or the
possible predator? I guess if we engage intensively on gender mindsets and
norms, then there won’t be this need to learn to defend- this tendency also
reflects gendered mindset!
Another important
conversation that cropped was about husband engaging in sex with their wife
whether they give consent or not – the quick answer was that she is his wife,
they should have sex why is there need to say yes or no in that? Here bringing
out the contradiction that we just established that forcing yourself on girls
is rape, then how is it okay to force oneself on wife is okay? How is 13 year
old thinking that it’s okay for husbands to do anything with their wife as if
they are mere property who has no say in the decisions of her life? It was difficult
yet important to make them understand that just like boys girls married, not
married or with any status has right and say in their lives and associated
decisions. This actually surprised them.
Post this conversation;
the participants shared incidences of gender based violence from their
communities-
‘There is a red light
area near my community; very young girls are seen wearing very small clothes’
‘There is a colony near
school from where boys and girls are constantly disappearing’
‘There was a new borne
girl who was found in the bushes near by’
‘I have heard people
giving certain medicines and then they do sex’
They talked about
trafficking, domestic violence, molestation and forced sex work, it was very
scary to hear them talk about witnessing such grave offenses.
The session culminated
by sharing of various laws against the offenders of CSA, domestic violence,
rape, stalking, physical and verbal abuse and others.
The day ended on a
bright note, when one of the teachers appreciated us – ‘what you girls are
doing is the actual work, you are making them better individuals, responsible
citizen, it is so much better than just education. The way you addressed
everyone about child sexual abuse in the assembly, I wish you could take up
more issues and talk to all the students once in a while. Such conversations
are much needed.’
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