Learning to challenge 'Gender based violence' with rural women

“Having lived a long life of marriage, with 3 kids I didn’t know many things. I could remember lot of things – some very painful. I felt like I could have raised voice, did something, anything. I am incredibly proud of my mother-in-law, she fed and gave shelter to the woman who was beaten mercilessly by her husband. No one came to her rescue; but she didn’t care for anyone – she helped her. I wish others could have that courage.”

The workshop on ‘gender based violence’ with the rural women began with the narration of real life experience of violence against a woman in our neighborhood. There were loud noises coming from a house – abuses being hurled, cries, shouting, name-calling and so on while the rest of the neighborhood was either engrossed in gossiping, making fun or weaving theories about the fight that was happening in the house. It was appalling that someone so educated, working in government office and having 2 adult sons was verbally and physically assaulting his wife; but what was even worse was other people who were laughing instead of helping the women.  This is also one of the incidences that led to community intervention for women by Sahas in the same neighborhood to fight violence, challenge bystander behavior and above all creating support system for women by women.

Mind mapping around violence helped us to take the conversation on violence forward.

“To use abusive words, make other person feel bad or pull him/her down, physically hitting”

One of the major aspect of these conversations was to build a bridge on the issues of gender and violence keeping in mind the rural context and to cement that we had facilitator from the same village. She shared many incidences of violence against the women, dilemma, pain and agony of witnessing it and not being able to do anything.  She also brought out how people didn’t help but were happily picking on the victim by accusing her that she may be was ill tempered, or must have done something and providing excuses for her husband.

So, when we see violence and especially when it is directed towards women; we being women don’t intervene? What stops us from providing any form of support?

“This happens in every villages, almost in every household but mostly we can’t do anything because it is between husband and wife. Why would they listen to us?”

“I see it, I hear it but can’t do anything even if I am incredibly upset because I am scared that this person would beat me too! What can we do?

This led to a very crucial conversation on various reasons that we as women or people shy away from taking actions in the cases of violence but none of the reasons seemed good enough. It is important to understand and believe that physical, verbal and sexual abuse is not part of marriage or any form of commitment; it is violence and it is not right not in human or in legal way. Unfortunately among many things taught in school or home, our parents, adults and teachers forget to give this lesson to us – that no one has right to violate others; no reason is valid for such action.

The next part of the workshop involved various ways or methods that could be used to challenge gender based violence. First, hitting the mindset directly and building understanding that ‘It is not the fault of the woman who is being abused – all these sentences that she could have kept quiet, she is usually brash or aggressive, she must have done something wrong, her husband was drunk or they are not happy in the marriage etc all this victim blaming is wrong and these thoughts contribute to violence as well. Nothing just no reasons can justify the abuse and abuser’

Secondly – It is important to say ‘No’. We are not taught to say no, so whatever we do is assumed to be a yes! This chain has to be broken; we practiced by saying ‘I will not tolerate violence’ loudly many a times. It was so empowering and unbelievable to engage in this activity. Doing something like this online is challenge, the challenge becomes tenfold when you are engaging with rural women and then intensifies when you can’t see them. But the moment when women believe, feel and understand that violence is not okay and we can challenge it – that moment is life defining, exhilarating and mind blowing. Moments like these are not just inspiring for participants but for facilitators too because the space co-created with this intention and fire is the fodder for the social change.

We then talked about the laws against gender based violence, a small glimpse that talked about various guidelines to make the process simpler in case of need. Lastly and very importantly, supporting one’s own gender. Our society preaches us that women are women’s worst enemy. Many a times they seems to propagate patriarchy or are channels for it – I don’t believe that! I believe that if a woman stands in support of others, things will change! If a woman is being beaten by her husband but at the same time, 4-5 women stand with her, I don’t think anyone is powerful enough to fight against them. They stop gossiping and believing each other – supporting each other by listening, making things possible for each other and providing the much needed shoulder! I think that is the most path that could fracture the whole circle of violence.

The workshop concluded with a happy and hopeful note that now we are a community who would stand for each other and can reach out in case of need or just conversations.

“I am so happy, I don’t remember feeling like this in a very very long time. These conversations opened my mind, I know lot of things and I hope I can share this with my friends and other women in the family.”

Building understanding on reproductive health and rights with rural women

“I didn’t know until 2^nd month, that I was pregnant, it was when I started feeling unwell most of the times that I visited doctor and found out about having a child”

In my experience of rural context and the available statistics, the state of reproductive health and services are in dismay; women don’t know about their body, neither about conceiving or what to do during their pregnancy and post natal care. The situation is so bad that there is no government or private hospital in the radius of 15 kms and many a time as far as 25 kms. It is imperative that women know how important their bodies are, understanding as well as taking care of it so. Hence the third workshop on reproductive health: sex, pregnancy and contraception was designed considering all the factors, context, and possible queries and was heavily information based.

The workshop began with a question – “When did you come to know you are pregnant? And how did that make you feel?” The first response startled me not because it was uncommon but the implication of it that how even our feelings are predefined, and there is no scope to feel otherwise especially if you are a women!

“When I first came to know about my pregnancy….I felt…umm….we are supposed to feel happy…isn’t it?”

“I had no idea what pregnancy is, or what am I supposed to do! I was scared”

“I wasn’t feeling well, most of the times I was sick and that indicated that I was pregnant.”

This conversation led to talking about sex, their first experience of hearing, knowing and understanding of word sex. It was so sad and undeniably jolt to the existing educational structure because these women who are either in their late 20s or early 30s came to know about sex from their friends or in the chapters not taught by teachers; also they never had detailed conversation on what it actually means and unfortunately the condition remains the same with no talk on sex with present lot as well! The feelings around that too remains same- feeling of disgust, dirty, shame, awkward and sex as something that shouldn’t be talked about.

One of the participants shared, “I heard it from my friends” Then she started laughing awkwardly. “They talked about weird things I felt bad and dirty. I wished they stop talking about it. I didn’t know what will happen to me” and the shy, awkward and giggles began; the same we hear while we engage with adolescent girls on sex.

This was the perfect opportunity to build understanding on what sex is, and how sex is beyond intercourse, how women get pregnant, how that pregnancy could be planned and you could be more prepared for it. While explaining menstrual cycle and the time period where a women have more chances of conceiving, I could feel them getting relaxed, inquisitive and interested. This session turned out be very interactive because with every information, there was series of questions and experiences.

Then we moved to next part of reproductive health where we talked about various contraception method which included explaining the method, merits and demerits!

“Of that’s why I have irregular period, no wonder I am gaining weight and becoming lethargic. My doctor never told me while inserting Copper-T”

“We couldn’t use condoms because that causes rashes and irritation so I had to go for contraception”

While choosing contraception method, your comfort, body and clarity of merits and demerits should be understood and consulted with gynecologist. This led to very crucial and meaningful discussion as to how responsibility of contraception is not just for the women! Both of them are equally responsible, and the decision making for having a child or not having a child or having a gap should be mutual. We also engaged on various stereotypes associated with women body and reproductive health – for example how the responsibility of whether the child would be borne as boy or girl is totally placed on women while it is the men’s chromosomes that makes the decision. Secondly even men could be infertile. There are methods that men could use for contraception other than condoms and so on.

‘I knew something about contraception but never knew there are so many of them. No one talks about it, this is so important to our body because having a child causes so many changes in our body which are not always happy changes’

‘I never knew we could talk about sex, children, periods so openly- it is unbelievable. I feel so happy to know these things. How I wish these things were told to us before. But I am so thankful that we can say anything, ask anything and don’t have to feel ashamed"

Understanding 'women's body and sexuality' with rural women

“I understood what was told to me about growing up as a girl and having period. But when I came home, I just collapsed in my mother’s arms, hugging her tightly and started sobbing. I couldn’t process what is happening to me, or why is this happening to me!”

The second session with the rural women as part of our gender, sexuality and reproductive health program was based on ‘women’s body and sexuality’. The workshop began with a very simple question – ‘when did you first come to know that you are a boy or a girl and how did that make you feel’. The answer is not as simple as the question, and clearly doesn’t indicate discrimination between genders however the instant response was that there is no difference between boy and a girl – they are equal, we treat them equally and even our parents gave us the same treatment. This very response indicate the depth and strength of hold that patriarchy has on us, especially women who are made to believe that everything is good, whatever is given to them is a privilege and that they should be grateful that they are treated equally despite the fact that this is basic human rights that is for every person irrespective of their gender.

This response is very common, so we restated the question with an emphasis to allow themselves to reflect on their personal experience rather than what happens around them; and that is when one of the participants shared, “lot of things are discussed in the home, many a times we ask for things, my mother often says that they are boys, they are stubborn but you are a girl, you must understand – this is what really happens in the village”

Other participant says that when she got her periods for the first time that made her realize that she is a girl, this is part of being a girl.

“It is the first periods that make a girl feel that oh! I am a girl. I had periods in school for the first time – I shared with my friends and I thought it’s because I go to toilet that’s why this is happening! I was told by my friend that this is something that happens to every girl and comes every month. I heard and understood that but when I went home, I hugged my mother and cried loudly for several moments saying that I don’t know what happened to me or why it happened but my mother comforted me”

In the next part of the session, we invited the participant to draw their body maps. This is for the first time that we were attempting this activity on con call, my mother who is also engaging in this program as co-facilitator drew her body map. This is one of my favorite activities, to hear the participants laugh, giggle, whisper was amazing experience. There was still hesitance, sort of shyness there but this activity allowed them to explore, understand and engage with their body.

The following discussion on body maps were related to the feeling of happiness, pain, power and shame they associate with different body parts. It was important to engage on how the various sensations are a result of biological process inside the body related to brain and nervous system except shame! Using the village context, we talked about how women wear veil while doing even small chores or stepping out of home but men roam around in underwear – so how shame is different for women and men; bodily functions and nervous system is same both men and women so why this difference! And when the answers keep pouring they became more settled in – more okay with the body and sexuality they possess being a woman.  

At the same time we engaged in an important conversation around consent – what it means to say yes or no; needless to say that whatever women say or does is considered as yes in the society that we live in. That’s why when we talked about it, they not only listened but shared personal experiences related to consent or violation for that matters.

The session ended with questions like ‘Having sex during periods is possible?’ ‘What can be done if I don’t want to get intimate’ ‘Are there other ways than to have sex other than the one that leads to pregnancy’

Building conversations on 'Menstruation, hygiene and taboos' with rural women in India

“This is a problem that every women has”

The moment you say this word ‘Period’ instantly any women or girl will define it as a problem! Unfortunately that’s not just because of the fact that blood comes out of our vaginas during certain days of month or the mood swings or may be the stomachache but it’s more because of how are first experience of getting periods is and following years of shame and stigma that surrounds menstruation as if this is some sort of punishment that comes by being borne as girls! There is pain, trauma, shame and guilt that reeks the conversations on periods so much that saying that I am having periods is also not allowed.

I remember being a child visiting my home village, a remote one many kilometers away from Aligarh, Uttar Pradesh – a village which had no lights, no pakka roads however the plight of women was worse; girls younger to me getting married, women close to my house were giving birth to a new borne every year, no access to hospital, some random person enacting as doctor using age old needles and god forbid if they could eat in peace for one time at least! I was baffled and always wanted to provide them with information so that at least they could save themselves. So whatever I used to learn in my classes I used to tell them, sometimes even protected women from getting beaten by their husbands but only so much could be done by a young kid.

While at Sahas, we are engaging with different population from all across North India, it was finally time for these much needed conversations back at home. Due to COVID-19 crisis, and then lack of technological know-how in villages, we thought to engage with women through whatsapp video call. The preparation for gender, sexuality and reproductive health program with rural women was intense, required lot of information in terms of context, level of understanding and discussion with our parents. It was interesting how our entire family sat together, brought out their experiences, contributed in terms of what specific topics should be included, mode of conversations and duration of the program. Since it was our first online program with rural women, we were bubbling with energy, anticipation, excitement and with awareness that there might be technological mishaps.

Gender, sexuality and reproductive health program with rural women began with our first session on menstruation and sanitation. There were some glitches in the beginning so we switched to conference call. After setting the context, ground rules and why we are engaging with them, we invited them to share on ‘what comes to their mind when they hear the word periods’. Following which they were asked to share their first period experiences. If we could conclude the sharing in a simple line then none of them were aware of what was happening to them, they felt weird, scared and seemed that they have got some sort of disease! Even when they asked to their friend or mother – they just got arbitrary information about having blood come out of their body every month and they should use cloth. Scary isn’t – seems like a lifelong imprisonment that you never asked for.

 

In the next part of the session, we engaged on what are periods, why do girls get periods, menstrual cycle, importance of cleanliness and others.

Just when we were moving to the taboos associated with periods – one of the participants asked. “My mother in law instructs me not to wash my hairs while on periods as this can loosen the nerves, cause hair fall and can get stuck. Is this true?”

This very question paved the path to the conversations on taboos. However it was interesting to hear that one of the woman immediately responded, “Nah! This doesn’t happen to us, no one says nothing about doing this and that during periods”

But slowly they started opening up and taboos started pouring in – not allowed to walk, don’t do exercise or yoga, avoid eating cold things, curd, spices or sour things like pickles; don’t pray, visit temples or do anything related to worshiping and so on. We took this opportunity to engage on how these are all myth and have no logic behind them – periods are simply part of growing up, a biological change and preparation for motherhood. 

One of the things that I have heard again and again everywhere especially in villages that girl getting matured is related to her getting periods and so she should get married – which leads to early marriage following child birth deteriorating women’s body and well-being. It was crucial to have this conversation with women leading them to understanding their own body, adverse effects of early marriage and can they do something with this information?

“I didn’t know many of the things you told me today; as of now I don’t have question but I will ask you if I have later”

“I enjoyed it, never thought that I can talk about periods this openly”

“Even after having such a long marriage and 3 children, I didn’t know many things. I understood a lot”