Learning to challenge 'Gender based violence' with rural women

“Having lived a long life of marriage, with 3 kids I didn’t know many things. I could remember lot of things – some very painful. I felt like I could have raised voice, did something, anything. I am incredibly proud of my mother-in-law, she fed and gave shelter to the woman who was beaten mercilessly by her husband. No one came to her rescue; but she didn’t care for anyone – she helped her. I wish others could have that courage.”

The workshop on ‘gender based violence’ with the rural women began with the narration of real life experience of violence against a woman in our neighborhood. There were loud noises coming from a house – abuses being hurled, cries, shouting, name-calling and so on while the rest of the neighborhood was either engrossed in gossiping, making fun or weaving theories about the fight that was happening in the house. It was appalling that someone so educated, working in government office and having 2 adult sons was verbally and physically assaulting his wife; but what was even worse was other people who were laughing instead of helping the women.  This is also one of the incidences that led to community intervention for women by Sahas in the same neighborhood to fight violence, challenge bystander behavior and above all creating support system for women by women.

Mind mapping around violence helped us to take the conversation on violence forward.

“To use abusive words, make other person feel bad or pull him/her down, physically hitting”

One of the major aspect of these conversations was to build a bridge on the issues of gender and violence keeping in mind the rural context and to cement that we had facilitator from the same village. She shared many incidences of violence against the women, dilemma, pain and agony of witnessing it and not being able to do anything.  She also brought out how people didn’t help but were happily picking on the victim by accusing her that she may be was ill tempered, or must have done something and providing excuses for her husband.

So, when we see violence and especially when it is directed towards women; we being women don’t intervene? What stops us from providing any form of support?

“This happens in every villages, almost in every household but mostly we can’t do anything because it is between husband and wife. Why would they listen to us?”

“I see it, I hear it but can’t do anything even if I am incredibly upset because I am scared that this person would beat me too! What can we do?

This led to a very crucial conversation on various reasons that we as women or people shy away from taking actions in the cases of violence but none of the reasons seemed good enough. It is important to understand and believe that physical, verbal and sexual abuse is not part of marriage or any form of commitment; it is violence and it is not right not in human or in legal way. Unfortunately among many things taught in school or home, our parents, adults and teachers forget to give this lesson to us – that no one has right to violate others; no reason is valid for such action.

The next part of the workshop involved various ways or methods that could be used to challenge gender based violence. First, hitting the mindset directly and building understanding that ‘It is not the fault of the woman who is being abused – all these sentences that she could have kept quiet, she is usually brash or aggressive, she must have done something wrong, her husband was drunk or they are not happy in the marriage etc all this victim blaming is wrong and these thoughts contribute to violence as well. Nothing just no reasons can justify the abuse and abuser’

Secondly – It is important to say ‘No’. We are not taught to say no, so whatever we do is assumed to be a yes! This chain has to be broken; we practiced by saying ‘I will not tolerate violence’ loudly many a times. It was so empowering and unbelievable to engage in this activity. Doing something like this online is challenge, the challenge becomes tenfold when you are engaging with rural women and then intensifies when you can’t see them. But the moment when women believe, feel and understand that violence is not okay and we can challenge it – that moment is life defining, exhilarating and mind blowing. Moments like these are not just inspiring for participants but for facilitators too because the space co-created with this intention and fire is the fodder for the social change.

We then talked about the laws against gender based violence, a small glimpse that talked about various guidelines to make the process simpler in case of need. Lastly and very importantly, supporting one’s own gender. Our society preaches us that women are women’s worst enemy. Many a times they seems to propagate patriarchy or are channels for it – I don’t believe that! I believe that if a woman stands in support of others, things will change! If a woman is being beaten by her husband but at the same time, 4-5 women stand with her, I don’t think anyone is powerful enough to fight against them. They stop gossiping and believing each other – supporting each other by listening, making things possible for each other and providing the much needed shoulder! I think that is the most path that could fracture the whole circle of violence.

The workshop concluded with a happy and hopeful note that now we are a community who would stand for each other and can reach out in case of need or just conversations.

“I am so happy, I don’t remember feeling like this in a very very long time. These conversations opened my mind, I know lot of things and I hope I can share this with my friends and other women in the family.”