Engaging with the adolescent boys on 'Love, sex and consent'

Boy- "I saw a boy grabbing a girl's hand. She didn't like it even threatened him that she will call someone."

Me- "Did you do something? Did you try and stop him"

Boy- "He was tall, if i stop him, he would have beaten me"

Me- "You could have asked for help or may be just shouted!"

Boy- "But why would I do that. There were two men who saw the same thing, but they didn't do anything. If they didn't do anything, why should i do anything?"

This is how we as people are teaching our younger generation to become bystanders with zero responsibility and then we have the audacity to complain that the crimes are increasing and put the blame on others! The session on ‘Love, sex and consent’ with the participants of Government school left me with feeling unsettled and emotionally rattled. 

The session began with the story of Paro, a 13 year old girl and what happens when a boy is attracted to her. On asking what would you do if you were Paro at the end of the story- the reactions were something that were expected and some were weird-

‘No, I can’t be Paro. I will be Ram’

‘She would kiss him back’

‘She would become shy and run away’

‘If she loved the kiss, she would kiss him back’

‘She would slap him and would never meet him again’

‘She would probably share what is going on with her. May be the boy would also tell her’

‘She would either inform the teacher or her parents’

Clearly they weren’t putting themselves in the shoes of Paro, so we prompted suggesting if they are touched by someone who is a stranger then what would you do?

‘I will be fine with that’s a girl’

‘If an old man kisses me, maybe he didn’t get to enjoy it in his early life’

‘I would beat that person, slap him’

‘I would ask him why he did that to me.’

‘Feeling miserable, weird’

‘This would be bad touch, not right!’

While we are engaging on this discussion, one of the boys leaped towards another projecting as if kissing him – the other boy made a disgusted face, telling him to stop and almost hitting him. So, I used that example to explain that this is how one react when they are touched forcibly or without their consent. The boy immediately said – it’s because he was the boy otherwise it would have been good. On the serious note, they were clearly not getting the depth of the issue, so we twisted the situation and performed role play to engage on the importance of consent and how to actually say Yes or No and also what to do when you hear NO!

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 and were asked to share on the question – ‘where have you heard the word sex or have you seen it?’

‘I saw someone doing sex in my neighborhood ’

‘We studied something of that sort in our science textbook’

‘I have seen sex happening in American pie’

‘I have seen boys and girls doing it in sector 14 park’

‘I had seen my Math teacher watching sex video on his phone when I was in 6^th class.’

‘I have seen my neighbor watching sex videos on his phone’

‘I had seen actor and actress doing sex in movies’

‘I had seen my friend kiss a girl and then engage in sex with her’

‘I had seen some person doing sex behind the bushes in the park’

‘Our tuition teacher taught us about sex organs’

‘Seen it in advertisements of condom’

‘I have heard a boy and girl talk about sex in the park’

‘I have seen porn videos’

‘I have seen boys and girls kiss near DPS lane, also saw people touching each other private parts and engage in sex’

The important question now is – Do we still believe that we shouldn’t engage with adolescents on sex or believe that they will learn about it when they grow up or get married? Clearly these 12 or 13 year olds have not just heard the word, but have seen people doing sex and above all they are also engaging in sexual activities! This is alarming and not very safe for either these boys or their partners. So, we screened the videos explaining sex and condom in the most fun way.  

Few things caught my attention during this discussion and conversation was – the way boys understand and are curious about sex is so very different from girls, it seems that they see sex as a privilege, something that gives them not just pleasure but also leverage over other gender, the smug look and pointed question emphasizing that they can do whatever they feel like and get away with it. Secondly there were few boys who apparently had knowledge about sex, so when others were asking questions – they were trying to either make faces or shut the person down as if these things shouldn’t be talked in open spaces and must be kept wrapped under the table. Hence it became equally important to engage on these points and debunk the mindsets so that they have healthy and well informed mindset towards sex rather than an ignorant, rudimentary and power driven thought process over the same.

Boy: What happens when a girl of 12-13 years old get pregnant with consent or not, because then her family would want to get abortion done to save their honor. What exactly is abortion? This one question was crucial which brought out the social connotation of a very physiological aspect of ‘child birth’. Such questions always caught us with surprise as these conversations do happen on big polished platforms but hearing it from adolescents bring out a complete opposite perspective on the issues of sexuality, reproductive health and abortion. 

In the same session, the queries related to masturbation came up – leading to the discussion as to whether it is healthy or not, certain myths associated with it and questions like – when does semen start coming out? To the confession that nothing of that happened to me! Other questions included –

‘How does condom look like?’

‘What if I don’t want to wear condom?’

‘Do we alternatives of condom?’

‘What does it mean that there are condoms with different flavors? What has flavor to do with condom?’

‘Do women also wear condoms?’

‘Condom is not 100% secure, it might burst during sex or may be overfilled!’

‘Our society cares more about honor and respect however same is not the case in foreign countries, in their schools people talk openly about it, do sex and have condom vending machines too!’

In the last part of session, we engaged on ‘what are periods, taboos associated with it and why this information is important for boys?’ The discussion seemed little rushed but brought out very crucial points and questions-

‘So, how do we know when a girl is bleeding?’

‘Boys must know about periods so that when we get married we could help our wives and children’

‘Many a times, boys make fun of girls and use this as  means to mock them but if we are aware how important periods are – we won’t be making fun instead we could support them – may be buy sanitary pads or help in household chores’

One of the boys on returning from washroom shared, “I was in hurry so I went to girls washroom (none of the girls were there because afternoon time is for all boys school) there I saw someone left sanitary pad!”

This session also brought out lot of other issues like body image, racial discrimination where one of the boys called other by slang for black people, peer pressure and use of abuses. It was not an easy session to engage on not just because of the topic but all the additions that came during the session. This was challenging, brought lot of insights and in the way supported participants to understand and acknowledge the privileges they have received by just being boy!