'I wish I was a boy so that my father is not disrespected for having 3 daughters'

“I came to know that I am a girl because people used to say to my father that you have 3 daughters, what will you do? What will happen to your family? I really felt bad and wished that I was a boy so that my father wasn’t disrespected for having daughters!”

The session on ‘Puberty’ with the participants of My Perch began with the energizer ‘Ek Ungli’ where the participants enthusiastically participated and even volunteered to repeat it. Following this, the participants were divided into groups and invited to engage in a discussion about when did they first come to know that they are a boy or girl?

‘When I grew up, I was told not to go out of home because I am a girl’

‘I was asked to wear proper clothes and not short clothes’

‘I was helping my mother in kitchen and I was about to make roti then my mother stopped me and said why am I doing work like a married woman (mehraru)! I was left with a question as to why I can’t make roti?’

‘I got to know that I am a girl because of the environment in the society. People keep asking my parents how your girl, why she is like this is. Along with many do’s and don’ts’

‘Whenever I go out to play or just for any work, no one ever stops but one day when my sister wanted to go out, my mother immediately stopped her saying that you can’t go! On asking my mother why she would do that, she replied sternly that my sister is a girl and she shouldn’t loiter around’

‘You are not a boy that you could keep playing all day long’

‘Mummy told me that I am a girl. I didn’t feel good because if I was a boy I could roam around and go anywhere’

‘I got to know that I am a boy from my parents and because of physical changes and also because of behavior of people. I was very elated actually too elated that I am a boy.’

‘I used to play with girls and boys when I was a child. My mom tells me that I used to look like a girl in my childhood. But when I started growing up my friends told me that we shouldn’t play with girls, some of them even say that we shouldn’t talk to them. It doesn’t really matter to me’

‘I came to know that I am a boy because of my body. I was happy because boys don’t have to do much work and we can stay out late in night’

‘I came to know that I am a girl because of my name. I was sad because girls have to leave their house once they are married’

‘While I was a child, I used to wear any type of clothes even frocks, I didn’t really mind. But once I started growing up people started objecting to what I wear. My aunt said that you shouldn’t wear these clothes because they are supposed to be worn by girls’

‘I love putting mehndi on my hands, my teacher told me not to do so as only girls’ use mehndi. I don’t really care because I love mehndi’

‘I wanted to grow hairs, they look fancy but I was told not to do so because only girls should have long hairs’

‘My father told me to go out and play rather than sitting at home like a girl.’

It was interesting to note that not a single person mentioned any physical aspect of being girl or boy; all the responses reflect on the gendered realities that we live in.

Post this, the participants were invited to take part in ‘Body map’ activity.

Good things about growing up

‘We can make our own decisions’

‘I feel more strong and powerful’

‘We can stop people from doing wrong things’

‘Height increases, growing beard and muscles’

Bad things about growing up

Increase in responsibilities

‘We don’t get that space to share our feelings, thoughts and ask questions.’

‘Itching at various places, hairs in underarms and around private parts’

‘Smell in underarms’

‘Stomach and body ache during periods’

‘We are told to stay away from boys’

‘Whenever we are speaking to boys, it is always considered wrong and girls are blamed even if it is simple talk’

Challenges of growing up

‘I don’t really understand few things that are happening to body as we grow. We develop beard, there are hairs everywhere, and there is this constant fear as to what would people say when they look at me’

‘People around us look at us in weird ways, there are so many things that happen around us which I don’t understand. Whenever I ask question, no one seems to care answering me’

‘I feel so shy sometimes, even for asking permission for going to toilet’

‘It becomes really difficult to share problems and difficulties with others’

‘If you are short in height, you won’t get job. Also friends tease and call names because of height’

‘We are asked to wear dupatta on every attire, not allowed to wear shorts at all’

‘When I was young nobody used to say anything about using phone, now if I am on phone, people stare at me and many a times taunt me by saying that don’t you have some shame and for how long will you talk’

‘We are not allowed to go outside home as an when we feel and absolutely not allowed at night’

One of the points that came out of the discussion – ‘because we are girls we are not allowed to go out in the night’ I was curious to know whether they actually believe that or they are just saying it. Why do a 13 year old want to go out at night? What do they want to do?

‘I have always seen boys roaming around, carefree without seeking permission that’s why I also want to go out in night without having to worry about my parents or boys’

‘I just want to see how night is, how it feels to roam around under stars’

‘I want to be in parties longer because we are asked to come back home soon!’

‘I want to just be free without any ties’

It left me wondering how regressive we have become as a society because here gender is actually defining how free you are!