What do school students think: Does patriarchy impact boys and men as well?

 We have been engaging with the students of various schools nearby Khushipura village, Aligarh on the issues of gender, patriarchy, rights and challenging violence along with Sahasi Girls program to build safe spaces for adolescents in Educational spaces as well. In continuation with the session of gender, this time we facilitated a workshop on ‘Gender difference in everyday lives’ with the students of the Public school in the village itself where 20 participants were present.

The workshop began with the brief introduction, intention setting and reiteration of agreements so that everyone gets an opportunity to share and listen. It was a happy surprise that most of the students remembered and could define gender. Building on their understanding, we divided the participants into 4 groups and invited them to discuss and write the gender differences they see in different spaces on daily basis. It was interesting to see that 2-3 students took initiative to form a group with both boys and girls participants.

I went to the group where gender differences in home were being discussed. On asking who does most of the work in home; one of the participants said that it is the father who does most of the work. I asked her to explain a bit more.

‘Papa works very hard in the agricultural fields. He brings money for the family.’

‘But the farming is for 7-8 months. What about rest of the months? What about your mother who cooks 3 times a day for 12 month?’ This question stuck the cord and another participant shared, ‘That’s what I wanted to say. Mother also brings food to the father and others working in field, takes care of children, provides fodder for the buffaloes, clean them up. She always listens to me and also helps papa during harvesting season.’

And this way one participant deconstructed the gender for other in the same group. This conversation also reminded me once again how women’s work and contribution is taken for granted, remains unpaid and because metaphorically she doesn’t bring money from outside – the devaluing of her work continues casually hiding behind the gendered behavior.

The process of understanding gender or unlearning gender norms is a time taking process, this assumption that participating in one workshop or few workshops can empower young people or adolescents to not only understand but challenge gender biases is a myth and harmful for their well being. That pressure shouldn’t be on them, something that has been building over thousands of years, cemented into our lives in a way that it is difficult to even see what gender norms are doing not only to us but everyone at large can be daunting, challenging and many times seemingly an impossible task.  That is the reason why we at Sahas engage on gender issues with adolescents and young people slowly, step by step exploring the various aspects of it and peeling the layers that are overshadowing what could be their vision for life beyond the barriers of gender and violence.

Each group then shared their learning with the larger group –

Home –

·    Mother cooks food, cleans house, washes clothes and take care of children. Elder sister helps mother in household chores. Older women sometimes take care of small children, shares stories. The father does work in fields, also handles livestock.

·     Most of the time boys are on phone either watching videos or playing games. Whenever papa asks them to do something they make excuses. The girls spent their free time in putting mehndi, roaming around or using phone while mothers keep working in home.

·      ‘We should not discriminate because both mother and father work equally’

Leisure –

This group wrote all the things that the boys do in their free time – they play games, use phones, watch YouTube videos, and engage in fighting with each other. None of them had any idea as to what girls do in free time. To this one of the girls shared that they don’t get free time as such because if they are even seen sitting idle for a while, people start taunting and immediately they are given some or the other work.

School –

This group extensively brought out the gender differences they see in school spaces.

·      Boys chose to take maths while girls take home sciences in high school.

·   Boys are punished more harshly and are made murga while the girls are asked to simply raise their hands

·     Boys and girls are made to sit separately and they don’t talk to each other that much.

·      Both boys and girls play different games; boys play cricket while girls play kho kho.

·     Boys feel shy while talking to mam but the girls feel shy talking to both mam and sir.

·    The girls don’t get opportunity to study till higher classes. Even if someone sends their daughter to study further, the villagers talk behind them, spread gossip about girls.

Taking cue from these sharing, the facilitator reiterated what gender actually means, and how deep rooted it is in the society which restricts girls and women and gives certain privileges to men and boys. With the discussion on access and control over resources, land, money, decision making and mobility, the facilitator defined patriarchy and how it further increases the divided leading to gender discrimination and violence against women and girls.

The facilitator further probed that from this discussion, it was clear that patriarchy impacts girls and is harmful for them so they need to challenge it but does it impact boys negatively?

The boys unanimously said NO! The facilitator said that if it doesn’t affect you, it gives you so many privileges then the system is good and you won’t want to change it?

She further asked – ‘Can you cry if you are hurt?’

‘Can you refute the responsibilities and expectations of family? How does that make you feel?’

There was complete silence from boys over these questions yet so much to say which was quite visible! On prompting, there was slight sharing on how there's expectation for boys to be always strong and cannot express their emotions rather be angry and stand firm. They have to study hard to fulfill family responsibilities no matter what.  This way we could explore with the boys that it affects them as well and challenging this system of patriarchy is important for everyone.

 It was positive to see that we could take the conversations into exploring how boys and girls can support each other and move towards the idea of gender equity.