Sexuality, Body autonomy and Decision making

‘I would rather be killed by the wild animals here than being hugged, touched or harassed by a man. In this way, no harm will be done to my family’s honor and respect. If something like this happens, what will people say to my family?’ – says 15 years old girl and most of the girls in the room agree with her during the workshop on ‘Body and sexuality’ conducted in the Khushipura village.

This is how deep rooted patriarchy and gender is in our society! The family where boys are given preference over girls, they are made to do household chores from as early as 7-8 years, then their education is stopped giving various reasons like lack of money, fear of society, fear of girl being harassed or as simple as the one ‘what will you even do after getting education?’, all the decisions are taken by others; and for them the girls are ready to give away their lives in order to save the superficial honor of the family. This is not a fiction story or something that I have read in books but have witnessed over years of working in the villages and mind you this isn’t just the story of one state of India. For this extremely appalling statement – who is responsible?  Who have made such young girls believe that their lives are not worthy enough? Many people would jump on the train to initiate intellectual discussion or finding solution over this but how many of us will stop, just pause and hear this statement! How many of us are willing to listen to the girls, who doesn’t even know how grave is their suffering and wonder pain, agony and trauma of it.

I remember this gentleman who must be working in some Nonprofit casually commenting on the post I made for this session on social platform saying that I am using boys as scapegoat for the conversation on gender, lecturing me to share examples from girls in city to engage on gender equality because capacities of boys and girls are different. Interestingly every time I talk on Gender, privileged people tends to feel entitled to share their privileges and ignorance rather than seeing the larger problem. It is high time, people educate themselves and understand that everyone irrespective of where they stand in the society need to come forward to address their inner biases and only then there could be some real progress in gender equality. And if I have to shout out again then so be it – ‘Gender is not just women’s issue’.

The workshop on ‘decision making’ with the girls had left them with some major questions to think through and reflections on their lives. Continuing on the same lines, the next session with the girls focused on ‘body autonomy and sexuality’. The facilitator began with a brief introduction, intention setting for the session and reiterating basic agreements so that we have safe space where each of us can share, question and listen to one another without feeling threatened or judged. In the first part of the session, the participants were invited to share about how did they first come to know that they are a girl? There was pitch silence, and a huge question on everyone’s face probably indicating that isn’t it obvious or they have never thought about it. Then slowly with probing, they started thinking and writing on the chits. Some of the reflections were –

‘I was told not to go outside because I am a girl’

‘My mother told me that you are a girl so don’t talk to other people that much. What will people say?’

‘My brother constantly tell me not to sit idle, do something because I am a girl’

‘I came to know that I am a girl when my parents told me not to go outside’

‘My aunt told me that you are a girl, you should do household chores.’

‘My family members used to say that you are a girl, you should know household work otherwise what will you do when you go to other house’

‘People always comment whenever I go out, they say look that girl is going there and there’

‘The way we are addressed, with the name and the way people always tell us to do something or not do something indicated that I am a girl.’

We wanted to explore the uninhibited desires, aspirations of the girls so we thought to tweak the question a bit and ask – If I was a boy? We have been working with the girls since Dec. 2020 and whenever we have asked them the question on their dreams and aspirations, the answers were quite limited and that’s why we thought why not let them complete this statement. To our surprise, the first few responses were same that they would study in good school or college or would go to the city and work! Imagine this strong desire to study and do work while many people/students complain about the same in the cities.  Slowly they opened up –

‘I would never wear dupatta’

‘I would be able to get uninterrupted sleep, no one will wake me to do household chores’

‘I will never miss any of my friend’s parties’

‘I will go to barat and never miss the fun’

‘I will go and travel to different places’

‘I won’t have to ask for anyone’s permission for doing anything’

‘I will go to the city and study all by myself’

‘I won’t do any household chores’

‘I would support my sister and take her wherever she wants to go, and support whatever she wants to do and never hold her back’

‘I would be on phone throughout the day’

‘I won’t go to the fields to throw cow dung.’

‘I won’t get periods! I am so sick of pain and all the things that come with it.’ Many girls did hurray on this statement.

‘I would be able to marry according to my wish and also won’t have to leave my house’

‘My parents would have supported my education.’

We moved to the next activity leaving the girls with the question – ‘What is stopping you to fulfill these desires?’

Through storytelling, the facilitator engaged on body autonomy, sexuality and decision making. Many of the girls chose the path to their village from their college that crosses the forest which may have wild animals in the late evening. Interestingly none of them have ever been allowed by the parents to even go to house next door in the late evening forget about going to the fields alone. On asking where did they find strength because people believe girls are weaker; few of them said that it isn’t necessary that they will find animals or even if they would, they will fight them! Both of them being unrealistic – it is here when one of the participant said that it is better to die that to engage with men because parents or people in the society will curse them or question their honor.

Some of them chose the path that has a house where a man who is accused of sexually abusing girls lived. Their reasons being that he might not do anything to them or they will be able to trick him. The last few girls chose to hug the boat person in the hope that it is a brotherly hug. On asking whether their brother has ever hugged them – there was a big NO. This storytelling led to several questions related to marriage, family’s honor, decision making being gendered and how sexuality of girls and women are oppressed so much that they themselves have hard time making choices related to their bodies on free will! This question is embedded in their bodies – what will people think, what family would say or if I do something than it will tarnish the honor family! How much pressure or control patriarchy has over women’s body and why are we teaching these things to young girls. As an adult, I feel ashamed on behalf of the society!

The girls were then divided into the groups to create body maps and answer subsequent questions. To our surprise, all the groups including the younger ones were able to name the body parts including the sexual organs and the changes that happen during puberty in their bodies. While there was no hesitation on sharing which body parts are related to shame, it took them sometime to share which parts give them power however no one of them wrote which body parts are associated with happiness.  All of us observed the body maps of each group one after another with one core member explaining their maps with the answers.

Since the activity was intense, we did a feel check. One of the participants shared that her mind is still in the last activity thinking about what decision is the right decision. Another participant shared that she is excited to know what happens next!

The facilitator then taking cue from the story telling and body map activity discussed with examples the intersection of body, gender, desires, decision making, rights and sexuality. This is where we engaged on various incidences in the village where the girls were shamed, abused and looked down upon due to gossips or them talking to a boy or having phone. Recently in one of the school in the village, the Principal shut down the classes for girls who are studying in 10, 11 and 12^th because of the rumors that one of the girls had telephoned a teacher. This rumor was spread by one of the girls only, and the other girl kept crying but no one believed her. The principal’s exact word to me was ‘Wo toh ladhki hi kharab hai. Hum apne school ko badnam nahi karna chahte.’ If the educator says that, what can you expect from others?

One of the participants shared that, ‘We didn’t even engage in the rumor. But he scolded us in front of others and told to just go home. The girl who spread the rumor wasn’t even scolded or punished and her classes are going on.’

We also talked about last year incident where girls in the Sahasi Girls program fought with each other because someone said that her parents have told not to speak to other girl because she talks to boys. How is talking to boys is a crime and why boys are never scolded for talking to girls! Why girls and women find it easy to spread rumors about other girls. Why Sahas team was called names, ambushed and people had spread rumors about them? There was also mention of the brutal crime where a girl was allegedly murdered by her in-laws from this village; her family settled the case by accepting the money from the in-laws. It was an important reminder for the girls to unfortunately think about themselves a little more and participate in decision making!  The discussion dived into the why of all of this – which is to control girls, their bodies and freedom of expression and it is easy to defame them in the name of respect and honor. Once we understand this basic thing that everything is about controlling women’s body and sexuality, we will be able to deconstruct gender norms, challenge violence and take back the control of decision making. There can be support but one need to find in themselves that what is happening to them isn’t right and they have to find a way!

One important statement by the facilitator that girls found interesting – ‘Just because it has been going on forever or since ever, and just because everyone is doing it doesn’t make it right!’

The session closed with culminating the learning from the different sessions – gender, gender differences in daily lives, patriarchy, decision making and the current one and invitation to reflect these learning in their own lives. It was clear from the faces of the girls that the thinking mode has started because they were discussing the stories and experiences in the small groups while leaving for home.