‘Why do people feel ashamed or feel weird while talking about periods?’

“While I was writing about the experience of my first periods, I was reliving that moment and it wasn’t a good experience at all”

The session on ‘periods’ with the participants of My Perch began with the train energizer. Though it is a simple and silly game but the way the participants engaged made it so much fun- all the actions were unique and out of the box that at the end we all ended up rolling with laughter. After showing sanitary pad to the participants, we inquired whether anyone has seen it before and are they aware of what it is used for? It was amazing to see the participant who hardly speak in the workshop giving the answer at the first go.

In the next part of the session, the participants were asked to write about their experience of first periods; in case of boys they were asked to share their thoughts, feeling or questions related to periods and in case of girls who didn’t have periods could share how they feel when they hear about periods.

‘I was not aware of what periods are but after that when I came to know about it, I felt weird! Because whenever anyone have periods in the house, they hide things from me. I feel bad and always wonder why they have to hide about it.’

‘When I was told to get pad from the shop for the first time, I was very scared and I didn’t know what to say to the shopkeeper! I was feeling very shy and embarrassed. Then somehow I gathered courage and went to buy it’

‘I was 12 years old when I got my first periods. My entire skirt got red, I was confused as to what happened to me. When I went to home my mother got scared and said how I can get periods so early, however my mother explained how to use pad. Then we went to doctor who said that it’s because of hormones that I have got early periods. Post that I didn’t get periods for a year’

‘When I first got periods, I thought I have got some disease and I was too scared. I didn’t know how to tell my mother, I couldn’t make any sense of the situation. So I used a cloth for stopping the blood, but then the cloth and my dress got dirty. Next day I was unwell so couldn’t wash my clothes and my mother had to clean my clothes then she came to know that I was having periods. She came to me and asked me why I didn’t tell her. I explained that I was scared and asked her whether I am having some sort of disease. She calmed me down and told me that I am having periods’

‘I have never seen any girl talk about periods openly. In school, if a girl gets period she immediately goes to her home. Whenever I used to see advertisement on TV, I used to have so many questions but I didn’t know whom or how to ask about it because I was scared. I have also seen that shopkeeper always wrap pad in newspaper or black polythene, they don’t do it with other stuff which made me curious.’

‘I have noticed that whenever girls are on periods, they appear to be agitated, irritated, feel weak and are distracted. I have seen ad but I always ignored it because if I talk about it or watch it people will think I have no shame. I used to feel weird and embarrassed whenever this conversation comes up but now I am trying to be open minded’

‘I got my first periods when I was 13 years old. I was giving some exam and I was having stomach ache which increased gradually next thing I knew was my white skirt turned red. I thought that I have got hurt somehow. I was so scared because I used to live with my grandmother that time, I was sure she would bombard me with thousand questions and will scold me badly’

‘When I had periods for the first time, I didn’t know what has happened to me. I started crying and asked my mother to take off that day. She gave me pad and I was so scared because I didn’t even know how to use it. I remember watching advertisement of pad and asking what it is, my aunt scolded me and told me to keep quiet’

‘I first came to know about periods on my friend’s birthday. She had periods and the chair she was sitting on got dirty. I cleaned it and removed it from there. She then told me that she is feeling weird and scared and I am the first one she has talked about her periods. I wasn’t scared at that time but I wondered how I would react when I would have periods, with whom I could share it. I tried speaking to my mother but she sternly told me to be quiet’

‘I don’t like it. I always wonder how it would look from behind when I would be putting pad. It just makes me feel dirty’

‘I was at my friend’s place when I had periods, there was blood coming out from my main part. I thought I have got hurt at that place so I told my mom about it. My mother explained me that I am having periods and I should use sanitary pad, but on asking what periods are she told me to just go and put the pad’

Post this intense activity, we screened video that explains what does periods mean, what is sanitary pad, why do girls have periods etc. Lot of questions were asked –

‘Why don’t boys have periods?’

‘Can we recycle sanitary pads?’

‘Are they made of plastic? If yes won’t they have adverse effect on private parts?’

‘Why do people feel ashamed or feel weird talking about periods?’

‘Why does my mother tells me not to talk about periods?’

A girl asked a very interesting question that converted into a discussion which actually indicate the depth of critical thinking in these participants-

Girl 1: What will happen to the girl who doesn’t have hands? How will she do things in periods?

Before I could answer, another girl says, ‘She can ask her mother’

Girl 3: Just now we discussed how we all feel embarrassed and ashamed about periods. How would she share this with her mother?

Girl 4: It would be mortifying for her to get help replacing the pad every 4-5 hours. God that would be so painful.

After this, we engaged on taboos around periods with the help of mind mapping –

‘My mother tells me not to go out while having periods’

‘You shouldn’t wash your hairs, shouldn’t take bath’

‘Shouldn’t enter kitchen or cook food’

‘The girls are made to sleep on different place while they are on periods’

‘Don’t go to temples, pray or engage in any festivities’

‘Don’t touch or water tulsi as you are impure’

‘Don’t sit or talk with boys’

‘Don’t jump, or engage in physical activities’

‘Avoid eating or touching pickles’

Taking cue from these sharing, we engaged on each statement and discussed how they are not true but a myth considering how no one talks about periods openly even though it’s just a physical change. Post this, we inquired from boys as to why this information is being delivered to them, is it relevant to them?

‘Yes, it’s relevant for boys because if anyone in my home is having periods, I can bring pad without feeling embarrassed’

‘We can share this information to others so that they are comfortable with this knowledge’

‘We can stop boys from commenting on girls especially related to periods’

‘We both boys and girls are aware about what periods are, and they know that there is nothing to be ashamed of then taboos and myths would automatically be dismantled’

To capture their understanding of periods, the participants were given situations for role play. One of the group displayed a daily life situation where there's a girl who experiences her first period at school. She feels sacred, nervous and shares it to her friend. Her friend gives a sanitary pad to her. Still feeling nervous about the situation; the girl seeks permission from her male teacher to go home. Her brother comes to pick her from school. The vulnerability with which this little girl played the role exactly showed how nervous the first period experience can make a girl feel. In that vulnerable situation; sharing the situation with her friend seeking for help, talking to a male teacher and brother about it was so impressing! This just warms my heart with so much hope!

'I wish I was a boy so that my father is not disrespected for having 3 daughters'

“I came to know that I am a girl because people used to say to my father that you have 3 daughters, what will you do? What will happen to your family? I really felt bad and wished that I was a boy so that my father wasn’t disrespected for having daughters!”

The session on ‘Puberty’ with the participants of My Perch began with the energizer ‘Ek Ungli’ where the participants enthusiastically participated and even volunteered to repeat it. Following this, the participants were divided into groups and invited to engage in a discussion about when did they first come to know that they are a boy or girl?

‘When I grew up, I was told not to go out of home because I am a girl’

‘I was asked to wear proper clothes and not short clothes’

‘I was helping my mother in kitchen and I was about to make roti then my mother stopped me and said why am I doing work like a married woman (mehraru)! I was left with a question as to why I can’t make roti?’

‘I got to know that I am a girl because of the environment in the society. People keep asking my parents how your girl, why she is like this is. Along with many do’s and don’ts’

‘Whenever I go out to play or just for any work, no one ever stops but one day when my sister wanted to go out, my mother immediately stopped her saying that you can’t go! On asking my mother why she would do that, she replied sternly that my sister is a girl and she shouldn’t loiter around’

‘You are not a boy that you could keep playing all day long’

‘Mummy told me that I am a girl. I didn’t feel good because if I was a boy I could roam around and go anywhere’

‘I got to know that I am a boy from my parents and because of physical changes and also because of behavior of people. I was very elated actually too elated that I am a boy.’

‘I used to play with girls and boys when I was a child. My mom tells me that I used to look like a girl in my childhood. But when I started growing up my friends told me that we shouldn’t play with girls, some of them even say that we shouldn’t talk to them. It doesn’t really matter to me’

‘I came to know that I am a boy because of my body. I was happy because boys don’t have to do much work and we can stay out late in night’

‘I came to know that I am a girl because of my name. I was sad because girls have to leave their house once they are married’

‘While I was a child, I used to wear any type of clothes even frocks, I didn’t really mind. But once I started growing up people started objecting to what I wear. My aunt said that you shouldn’t wear these clothes because they are supposed to be worn by girls’

‘I love putting mehndi on my hands, my teacher told me not to do so as only girls’ use mehndi. I don’t really care because I love mehndi’

‘I wanted to grow hairs, they look fancy but I was told not to do so because only girls should have long hairs’

‘My father told me to go out and play rather than sitting at home like a girl.’

It was interesting to note that not a single person mentioned any physical aspect of being girl or boy; all the responses reflect on the gendered realities that we live in.

Post this, the participants were invited to take part in ‘Body map’ activity.

Good things about growing up

‘We can make our own decisions’

‘I feel more strong and powerful’

‘We can stop people from doing wrong things’

‘Height increases, growing beard and muscles’

Bad things about growing up

Increase in responsibilities

‘We don’t get that space to share our feelings, thoughts and ask questions.’

‘Itching at various places, hairs in underarms and around private parts’

‘Smell in underarms’

‘Stomach and body ache during periods’

‘We are told to stay away from boys’

‘Whenever we are speaking to boys, it is always considered wrong and girls are blamed even if it is simple talk’

Challenges of growing up

‘I don’t really understand few things that are happening to body as we grow. We develop beard, there are hairs everywhere, and there is this constant fear as to what would people say when they look at me’

‘People around us look at us in weird ways, there are so many things that happen around us which I don’t understand. Whenever I ask question, no one seems to care answering me’

‘I feel so shy sometimes, even for asking permission for going to toilet’

‘It becomes really difficult to share problems and difficulties with others’

‘If you are short in height, you won’t get job. Also friends tease and call names because of height’

‘We are asked to wear dupatta on every attire, not allowed to wear shorts at all’

‘When I was young nobody used to say anything about using phone, now if I am on phone, people stare at me and many a times taunt me by saying that don’t you have some shame and for how long will you talk’

‘We are not allowed to go outside home as an when we feel and absolutely not allowed at night’

One of the points that came out of the discussion – ‘because we are girls we are not allowed to go out in the night’ I was curious to know whether they actually believe that or they are just saying it. Why do a 13 year old want to go out at night? What do they want to do?

‘I have always seen boys roaming around, carefree without seeking permission that’s why I also want to go out in night without having to worry about my parents or boys’

‘I just want to see how night is, how it feels to roam around under stars’

‘I want to be in parties longer because we are asked to come back home soon!’

‘I want to just be free without any ties’

It left me wondering how regressive we have become as a society because here gender is actually defining how free you are!

'She is wife, it's her responsibility to fulfill her husband's desire consent or not!'

“I think we comment/ make fun of other people for example we use this term habsi for Africans or for people who have dark complexion because we think they are different from us!”

The session on ‘Gender based violence’ with the students of Government School, Dwarka seemed very tricky along with the fact that it is very crucial considering their opinion on stalking, sex, gender roles and consent!

The session began with the game of ‘Sheep and wolf’ giving a glimpse of what will be discussed in next 2 hours. Following this, few statements were read out upon which the participants have to share whether they think that this act comes under the category of violence or not! Interestingly because of previous sessions, most of them were quick to jump on the answer that yes this particular incidence comes under violence but upon discussion as to why they think it is violence – the answer was painfully gendered!

Commenting, molesting, stalking women on streets – does this comes under violence!

‘Yes, because we are doing this without the consent of the girl, she might feel uncomfortable’

‘Commenting – how does that come under violence. We do it just for fun, no one is actually physically harmed!’

‘Girls like it, they just don’t say it. You know they are shy but who doesn’t love attention?’

Many of them said some dialogues from Bollywood movies they have seen – taking cue from it we emphasized on the value of consent, and how their fun can practically ruin a girl’s life. Along with this, we also shared the laws against this sort of crime.

Participant: I totally understand consent. When I take my girlfriend out for fun, I ask for consent. I don’t think I do discrimination and I respect their will.

Me: What about your sister? Do you allow or stop your sister from going out?

Participant (his face was drained of all the color): Why would she go out with a boy? I don’t like this!

This just brought the duality that even our young generation is learning quickly contributing to gender inequality in the society.

Another interesting conversation was about verbal abuse, name calling and degrading words which are used in casual talks while we don’t really pay attention to their meaning. We were about to discuss on it – but before that two of the boys used slurs against each other right in front of us. Why? Because the other person didn’t want to shift from his seat. On asking why they used these words instead of politely asking one another, both of them didn’t had any answer instead they blamed each other. It’s not actually their fault for losing the temper that’s what they are seeing in their neighborhood, in their families and in school as well! To be polite or to listen to other is a big deal and it seems like this is some alien concept because using abuse comes very naturally to them. I actually dissected each abuse and explained the meaning of it which made them hang their heads in shame.

‘I don’t remember how I learnt it but I abuse because that’s the first thing that comes to my mind when someone fights with me or says something wrong’

‘I didn’t know that this abuse meant this! I use it for fun, everyone says it so I also started doing this.’

One of the most interesting and scary conversation happened on marital rape! Most of the boys didn’t agree that forcing oneself on their wife is violence or rape. The responses scared me as to what as society are we telling young boys!

‘She is wife, if she won’t have sex with husband then what she would do!’

‘This is her responsibility towards her husband, if she can’t fulfill her husband’s need what’s the point of marriage?’

Me: Why do two people marry?

Participant: ‘So that they get a wife who could cook food, take care of house and serve her husband!’

Me: So you marry with a girl for the services she offers? Not because you need a partner for your life?

Participant: of course with marriage comes the child who would carry the name of family?

Me: Do you think your father married your mother for the above things?

Participant: Nope! My dad would never do that, they got married for me!

Me: But you weren’t there when they got married.

This interesting cross questioning left them clueless, confused and pondering over the answers they had just delivered.

‘I think whether she is wife, or girlfriend or whoever – I guess if she doesn’t say Yes then it’s not right to touch her’

'Is it true that if you stay close to Kinnar, you too become a Kinnar?'

Right from the beginning of our gender, sexuality and reproductive health program with the third group of adolescents from the Government School, their actions and conversations have highlighted the gendered behavior in one or the other way. It appears that they assume being a boy is a capability that makes them superior and can do whatever they wish too with no regret even if that involves verbal abuse, physical fights or passing ludicrous comments on girls! Hence the session on ‘Gender and sexuality’ was very crucial to debunk this mindset and challenge them to see the gender biases that their privilege and behavior was inflicting without them being totally aware of.

The session began with chit activity which works in two steps. During the first part, they are asked to form two separate line while choosing a chit and based on that they had to decide if this role/responsibility/action is done mostly by men or women? Here the line of men was way too long then the girl’s line clearly indicating that boys do more productive work than girls giving away the stereotypical mindsets our society follows and preaches! In the second part of the activity, based on the chit they were asked to form 3 different lines – one where the work is exclusively done by men, second exclusively by women and third done by both. After huge discussion, agreements and disagreements, the line of men had one person standing, the line of women had 2 people standing and the last line was the biggest one indicating that all work can be carried out by both men and women except for certain physical changes like getting pregnant, having periods or having beard.

One of the participants said, “It seems that whatever work men does, he gets money however the work done by women doesn’t yield money, her work is taken for granted and we ignore that” This is one of the wisest thing I have ever heard from a boy as even educated or aged men don’t wish to acknowledge this fact!

Post this, through the activity of Chinese whispers and gender story, we engaged on what we understand by term gender? Can we see gender differences in our lives? Also engaging on the fact that since gender comes from society that means us, we can also challenge it and change the reality. It is very important to understand that gender doesn’t define our capabilities or capacities so when you get an opportunity always ask whether you are getting it because you deserve it or is it because of your gender!

In the next activity, the participant discussed over the gender differences they encounter in their real lives –

Home:

Clothing- Girls wear suit salwar, sarees while boys wear jeans and shirt

Girl engage more in household chores like cooking, washing clothes while all the outside work has to be done by boys.

Boys engage more in fighting, abusing while girls just stay at home.

Papa has the responsibility of earning money for the family while mother has to take care of the house.

School-

Our school doesn’t have girl students, girls and boys go to different schools.

Girls are taught by female teachers.

Even if both boys and girls study in the same school, they sit on different benches.

They have different toilets.

Girls are not allowed to sit or talk to boys.

Girls have long hairs and boys should have short hairs.

Public spaces-

There are more men in public spaces, owning shops.

Boys sit at one place and harasses girls

There are seats reserved for women in public spaces.

Friends-

Boys talk mostly about which girl is beautiful and hot, we bunk classes and roam around. We talk about sex among ourselves!

There was this one participant who insisted that his sister is given lot of attention in the house, she can do whatever she wants to, and she gets more money than him! I took this opportunity to inquire whether she is the one who cooks food along with mother or he does! His immediate answer was obviously his sister! This conversation proceeded with yet another question asking all the boys if they are told to cook food three times in a day for entire family for 20 years without any pavement how would they feel.

‘I would get bored!’

‘I won’t do that, why would I cook every time’

‘This is not fair! Don’t you think it’s wrong and you are not even paying me?’

In the next part of the session, through the picture activity we engaged on gender and sexual identities beyond the binary. The participants were taken aback and surprised by the discussion –

‘So how do we know that the person is transgender? How do we identify them?’

‘Why do hizras clap their hands, give blessing as a mean of earning money? Can’t they just do some job? ’

‘I think we have 4-5 kinnars in our school’

‘If someone is borne as kinnar, what must have gone wrong during their birth? Something their parents did or sex or did they eat something wrong?’

‘If a person is close to transgender or kinnar, do they also become kinnar? I am sure they become kinnar!’

‘In case of two girls or two boys having sex – how would they have a baby? Is it possible for them to have a baby?’

‘Do hizras have sex? Can they get pregnant? Do they have penis and if yes how long is that?’

‘I have heard that in Muslims during their night, the husband and wife stares at each other and that’s how wife gets pregnant’

This curiosity as to how we can identify a particular person based on gender or their sexuality; if someone is borne not as boy or girl there is something wrong about it and all weird stereotypes around them was addressed and engaged upon! We take this as a window to build conversations around different gender and sexual identities so that we don’t get trapped in these myths and alienate/discriminate people just because they don’t fall in the binary, also giving them an opportunity to learn and explore ways to lead life out of the society designed box.