'Is it true that if you stay close to Kinnar, you too become a Kinnar?'

Right from the beginning of our gender, sexuality and reproductive health program with the third group of adolescents from the Government School, their actions and conversations have highlighted the gendered behavior in one or the other way. It appears that they assume being a boy is a capability that makes them superior and can do whatever they wish too with no regret even if that involves verbal abuse, physical fights or passing ludicrous comments on girls! Hence the session on ‘Gender and sexuality’ was very crucial to debunk this mindset and challenge them to see the gender biases that their privilege and behavior was inflicting without them being totally aware of.

The session began with chit activity which works in two steps. During the first part, they are asked to form two separate line while choosing a chit and based on that they had to decide if this role/responsibility/action is done mostly by men or women? Here the line of men was way too long then the girl’s line clearly indicating that boys do more productive work than girls giving away the stereotypical mindsets our society follows and preaches! In the second part of the activity, based on the chit they were asked to form 3 different lines – one where the work is exclusively done by men, second exclusively by women and third done by both. After huge discussion, agreements and disagreements, the line of men had one person standing, the line of women had 2 people standing and the last line was the biggest one indicating that all work can be carried out by both men and women except for certain physical changes like getting pregnant, having periods or having beard.

One of the participants said, “It seems that whatever work men does, he gets money however the work done by women doesn’t yield money, her work is taken for granted and we ignore that” This is one of the wisest thing I have ever heard from a boy as even educated or aged men don’t wish to acknowledge this fact!

Post this, through the activity of Chinese whispers and gender story, we engaged on what we understand by term gender? Can we see gender differences in our lives? Also engaging on the fact that since gender comes from society that means us, we can also challenge it and change the reality. It is very important to understand that gender doesn’t define our capabilities or capacities so when you get an opportunity always ask whether you are getting it because you deserve it or is it because of your gender!

In the next activity, the participant discussed over the gender differences they encounter in their real lives –

Home:

Clothing- Girls wear suit salwar, sarees while boys wear jeans and shirt

Girl engage more in household chores like cooking, washing clothes while all the outside work has to be done by boys.

Boys engage more in fighting, abusing while girls just stay at home.

Papa has the responsibility of earning money for the family while mother has to take care of the house.

School-

Our school doesn’t have girl students, girls and boys go to different schools.

Girls are taught by female teachers.

Even if both boys and girls study in the same school, they sit on different benches.

They have different toilets.

Girls are not allowed to sit or talk to boys.

Girls have long hairs and boys should have short hairs.

Public spaces-

There are more men in public spaces, owning shops.

Boys sit at one place and harasses girls

There are seats reserved for women in public spaces.

Friends-

Boys talk mostly about which girl is beautiful and hot, we bunk classes and roam around. We talk about sex among ourselves!

There was this one participant who insisted that his sister is given lot of attention in the house, she can do whatever she wants to, and she gets more money than him! I took this opportunity to inquire whether she is the one who cooks food along with mother or he does! His immediate answer was obviously his sister! This conversation proceeded with yet another question asking all the boys if they are told to cook food three times in a day for entire family for 20 years without any pavement how would they feel.

‘I would get bored!’

‘I won’t do that, why would I cook every time’

‘This is not fair! Don’t you think it’s wrong and you are not even paying me?’

In the next part of the session, through the picture activity we engaged on gender and sexual identities beyond the binary. The participants were taken aback and surprised by the discussion –

‘So how do we know that the person is transgender? How do we identify them?’

‘Why do hizras clap their hands, give blessing as a mean of earning money? Can’t they just do some job? ’

‘I think we have 4-5 kinnars in our school’

‘If someone is borne as kinnar, what must have gone wrong during their birth? Something their parents did or sex or did they eat something wrong?’

‘If a person is close to transgender or kinnar, do they also become kinnar? I am sure they become kinnar!’

‘In case of two girls or two boys having sex – how would they have a baby? Is it possible for them to have a baby?’

‘Do hizras have sex? Can they get pregnant? Do they have penis and if yes how long is that?’

‘I have heard that in Muslims during their night, the husband and wife stares at each other and that’s how wife gets pregnant’

This curiosity as to how we can identify a particular person based on gender or their sexuality; if someone is borne not as boy or girl there is something wrong about it and all weird stereotypes around them was addressed and engaged upon! We take this as a window to build conversations around different gender and sexual identities so that we don’t get trapped in these myths and alienate/discriminate people just because they don’t fall in the binary, also giving them an opportunity to learn and explore ways to lead life out of the society designed box.

Engaging with adolescents on 'sex and consent' to debunk toxic masculinity!

“Why do we comment on girls, or harass them? It’s for fun and enjoyment plus it’s harmless. How does commenting about beautiful they are makes them uncomfortable? If someone calls me handsome I would be elated!”

What seems to be harmless or fun activity for boys is actually a nightmare for many girls. Going with the fear that someone is standing in the street or in the corner near school, somewhere near their house who will comment, would try to touch them against their wish is dreadful for a woman of any age! How do the boys/men think that doing something against the consent of other person is okay or fun seats deep rooted in the mindset with which all are brought up in the society? This toxic mentality needs to be challenged at very early stage of life so that gender based violence which is engulfing our existence can be uprooted. I guess, this also means that talking about sex should be normalized, it’s because there are no conversations around it instead rape, molestation and stalking are talked about frequently which leads to the mindset that it is something bad, something that shouldn’t be talked about and negative connotation is forever associated with ‘sex’. However it is much more than that, talking about tabooed topics can clear the air, erase rudimentary thought process and can build a more rational approach about it.

So, to follow the suit, we engaged with the adolescents of Government School on ‘Love, consent and sex’. The session began with the story of Paro who is kissed by one of her friends in coaching class while she was alone. We then asked what would they do if they are Paro? Most of the boys ended up saying that she might slap him, beat him, complain about it to parents, teachers or stop going to classes. Few of them said that she would kiss him back and they will become lovers! There were only few who said that she would enquire why he kissed her or he didn’t ask for her consent before kissing her.

On the topic of consent, the boys didn’t really care whether the girl said yes or no because according to them, it doesn’t really matter! According to them, the girls would automatically say No and no one can actually do anything to them so they don’t care. We took this time to engage on how much stalking, molestation and comments can harm the girls; their fun can actually ruin someone’s life. There was deafening silence post this conversation.

Except for 3-4 participants, everyone was aware about ‘sex’. They talk about sex in their friend circles, have seen on television, movies, porn! Few of them shared their experience of seeing sex in their lanes and park.

‘My friend watches all dirty stuff on phone’

‘Whenever I meet my friend, he talk about bad things related to sex all the dirty things around it’

Clearly they have know how about sex but again half-baked information so through videos and informative charts we engaged on ‘how are babies borne’ and ‘condoms’. Lots of questions were asked post this discussion-

‘What is full form of STD and what kind of disease is it?’

‘Can two boys engage in sex?’

‘Can STD transfer from man to man?’

‘Is masturbation wrong? Does that make us less of man? Can we lose sperm count because of it?’

‘Do girls also have wet dreams? What happens to them?’

‘Why do we get erection in night?’

‘Can girls get pregnant by kissing on lips?’

It was interesting to see this outpour of the questions, I had to actually stop the flow but then one of the participants said, “Too many questions are coming up! I am so excited that I can’t even sit. Is it okay if you can answer these questions?”

After the session, one of the boys came to me and said, “Didi I want to share something important to you. I was going to my home, and then a girl who was dressed in very tight clothes and was wearing makeup came to me and offered sex for me! I don’t like them! Why would anyone do this? It’s not a good thing” I answered the question with best of my understanding.

He said, “Can’t they do something else, something respectful?” I took this opportunity to share that it’s their profession, just like people do different job to earn money, she does too! There is nothing wrong about it unless it is forced.

Participant: Why would anyone force them into sex work? It was crucial for me to explain how girls are sold even for 100 rupees and are trafficked; sometimes their parents and relatives are involved in it! This left the participants pale faced and worried – a question left hanging as to why would anyone sell a girl for few bucks? Especially their own family!!

'I fight, I abuse and I don't look good - that's what the other boy would be thinking'

“I am sure he thinks all the bad qualities that I have! He might be thinking that I abuse a lot, smoke bidi and is very thin”

The 3^rd group of the participants from Government School are mixed group as few of them are sincere, pays attention and participate the other group abuses a lot, loves disrupting the session and does what they feel like; third are the ones who likes to keep to oneself though in small groups are very participative. Like every other group we have worked with, here too they sit close to their friends and interacts accordingly. So this session on body image and peer pressure would be a real challenge as it involves pairing up with the people whom you least interact with.

In the first activity, after choosing the partner they were asked to sit in silence for few minutes, post this they were invited to write ‘what do you think your partner thinks about your body and appearance’

‘He might be thinking that why do I fight with him’

‘He would be thinking wrong about me, that I am ugly or whether am I a good or bad boy’

‘He would be thinking that I eat everyone’s food that I am thief, I don’t study and am a beggar’

‘That I am thin, studious and short in height. I am sure he doesn’t have good opinion on me and thinks of me as less than him’

‘That I am short heighted, I am fat, smells bad, engage in bad things’

‘He doesn’t want to be my friend, but I wish we could sit together and never fight’

‘The person in front of me doesn’t like me, he might be thinking that I am very weak in studies that’s my section has been changed. He might be thinking that I don’t look good and also I engage in too many fights’

‘He might be thinking that I am not a good boy as I engage in too many fights’

‘This person might be thinking that what kind of boy am I? Am I a good boy, do I emotional side or also he might be wondering what I think about him’

‘My partner might be thinking how I am so intelligent in mathematics, how did I grow so tall, why don’t I cut my hairs as my hairs are everywhere and why do I have so many pimples on my face’

All of the reflections were not merely about their appearance but also about their conduct in general. It is interesting to understand this activity- though they are writing about what their partner thinks about them, but they don’t actually know this! This is exactly what they think about themselves consciously or unconsciously- many of them have written about engaging in fights and abuses, about not liking the words that are used for their appearances. On asking how did they feel while writing someone else’s opinion about themselves –

‘I was worried what would he be thinking about me since we hardly spoke’

‘I felt bad, I don’t understand why he would think all these bad things about me’

‘We always fight in the class, so I didn’t know how to behave when we were asked to sit down’

In the next part of the activity, the participants were divided into groups where they were asked to discuss on the questions related to body image, perfect appearances and would they want to change how they look?

Qualities of perfect boy –

‘Someone who has six pack abs, is handsome, should have muscles, stylish beard, tall and smart’

Qualities of perfect girl-

‘Beautiful, fit, shouldn’t be fat and height shorter than boys, fair, nice hairs, sexy and attractive body’

Few points that came out in discussion-

‘I wish to increase my height as people taunt and name call me because I am not as tall as others’

‘I was called habsi, kal bhairav etc. because of my dark complexion’

‘I am fat so I eat less food, want to go to gym to lose extra weight’

‘I exercise a lot, eat less food, and eat chana so that I become muscular and handsome’

With all these observations and example from a real life, we engaged on what is body image, what negative implications of it are and how it is important to understand your body and be okay with it especially during adolescence.

While engaging on peer pressure, we read out few statements on which participants have to either say Yes – if they have done what was said in the statement or No!

Most of the participants have lied to their parents, made girlfriend, left their girlfriend, bunked classes, smoke cigarettes and drank alcohol because of their friends. Almost everyone engaged in fights, abuse and left people because of their friend groups! The participants were invited to share ‘If they have done something in their life just because their friend wanted them to’

‘I have tried smoking, drinking alcohol and also did drugs’

‘I made a girlfriend, she was very pretty. But when my friend asked me to break up with her, I did it. Though I didn’t like it but I couldn’t say no to my friend’

‘We went to the river close to the other colony to have fun because my friend said so’

Why naming private parts in form of verbal abuse is okay but talking about them in general a big taboo?

“One day when I was very young, I was going somewhere outside wearing frock, my mother stopped me and said that you are a boy and you shouldn’t be wearing these clothes. They are supposed to be worn by girls”

The session on ‘physical changes during adolescence’ with the participants of Government School, Dwarka began with Ungli Dance. The participants enjoyed it so much that almost everyone wanted to volunteer to do the energizer! After a brief introduction on what is about to happen for next 2 hours, the participants were divided into groups and were invited to discuss on ‘when did they first come to know whether they are boy or a girl?’

‘I went to a market along with my dad. I really loved the doll and asked my father to buy it for me, my father said that girls play with dolls and not boys. I didn’t understand ‘what is the relation between playing with the doll and me being a boy’

‘I came to know that I am a boy because of my private parts. It didn’t really made any difference’

‘My neighbors used to call me Raju, because of the name I came to know that I am a boy. I felt very happy because I am a boy’

‘I was wearing clothes that girls wear. My aunt laughed at my face and taunted me that are you a girl that you are wearing this?’

‘Because of the body changes that I am having and also because my friends said do. It hardly matters’

‘My father addresses me as beta – a connotation used for boys, that’s how I came to know that I am a boy. I couldn’t really understand because sometimes he uses some nicknames and sometimes he calls me beta’

Most of the participants were either very happy to say it out aloud that they are boy or shrugged that it didn’t really matter. On asking about their reaction, the simple answer was ‘boys can do whatever they feel like, we don’t have to ask, can roam around and fun. No one stops them and they are strong so it’s cool to be a boy’

In the body map activity, the participants were grouped into 6 where they were asked to construct body diagram with all the body parts drawn and discuss questions regarding physical changes –

Good things about growing up-

We grow in height, voice changes, chest broadens, we become more smart

We grow beard and mustache that makes us look manly and handsome.

Bad things about growing up-

Hairs grow all over the body, pimples on the face

Hairs on penis, itching and boils

Thoughts like what if my penis doesn’t grow or it remain small hover into our minds

Challenges we face during puberty-

We develop negative thoughts, we engage in all sort of bad things, and act on it too

We get into trouble, make comments on girls and harass them. Even if some of us doesn’t want to but we can’t really stop them.

We have to get married, I don’t wanna get married because I don’t want to take responsibilities.

Post this discussion, with the help of chart paper we engaged on what is adolescence, what are the different physical changes that happen in girls and boys, how these changes affect us and why it is important to have conversations on the same.

It was weird that they knew the name of the private parts of both girls and boys through the verbal abuses they use frequently and not the actual names. For few moments, there was dead silence because for the participants the use of these names is for abuses and have no other relevance. They were shocked to say the least but once the idea that talking about private parts is as okay as talking about other parts of the body, they seem to understand. This makes me wonder how it is easier in our society to let young and old men use verbal abuses that comprises of private parts or abuse of them but the moment you talk about them with respect to body- you come under the radar of morality and right or wrong! This duplicity of behavior and mindset is what leading our young children to the path of violence or acceptance of the same as normal behavior. This needs to change and the change has to begin at very early age for constructing a society that aims for gender equity and respect.

'Our minds wanders into wrong places, we lose focus and it's uncomfortable'

“The people who are not girl or boy- who are they? How do we identify them? We have few kids in our school who are like that. I just want to understand how it is possible?”

The session on ‘My body is growing’ with the participants of Government School in Mohan Garden began with a quick energizer. As against other community spaces and Government Schools, here we were given less than 2 hours; the activities were modified accordingly.

The participants were divided into groups of 4 to engage in ‘Body map’ activity followed by discussion on 5 questions in their respective groups. After this, they were invited to share their discussion points with the entire group.

First time when I came to know I am a boy-

‘When I saw my private part, then I came to know that I am a boy’

‘I got to know I am a boy because of my voice as boys and girls sound differently’

‘I asked my father, he told me that I am a boy’

‘When I was a child, I didn’t know the difference between a girl and boy. After that, when I grew up my neighbor told me that I am boy’

‘I came to know that I am a boy because girls and boys wear different hairs and clothes’

‘I don’t remember a particular incident when I came to know that I am a boy, however my parents were aware of me being a boy. Slowly and steadily growing up made me realize that I am a boy’

‘When I was in nursery class, I used to call girls of my class didi. I used to wonder why they don’t address me as didi, so I asked my teacher. She said that you are a boy so no one would call you didi’

Good things about growing up-

‘We grow in height’

‘I have started learning things initially I didn’t used to understand what was taught in the class’

‘I can lift heavy things because I am strong now’

‘Our body changes, private parts develop’

Bad things about growing up-

‘We don’t remain as energetic as before, pimples all over our face’

‘Hairs grow everywhere, there are hairs on penis they cause itching’

‘Because we are having body changes, many a times- we don’t feel like studying, our mind wanders and we invest time in unnecessary things.’

‘Penis growth is a problem sometimes’

‘We talk about bad things, tease girls engage in wrong activities’

Challenges of growing up-

‘The biggest challenge about growing up is attraction, we fall in love’

‘We fall in bad company, do wrong things’

This was the most enthusiastic bunch of 75+ boys we ever engaged with! They were bubbling with questions and curiosities.

“I have heard this word sex, what does that mean? When do we have sex? How are babies borne?”