"Speak slowly, don’t raise voice, be back to home before evening and wear proper clothes”

Me: Do you see any difference between girls and boys in the public spaces?

Boy: Girls get so many privileges didi. There are seats reserved for them in buses and metros. They have a separate coach in metro and they still get seats reserved in other coaches. They listen to music and travel in so much comfort.

Girl: When we travel in crowded bus or metro, many people around us try to take advantage of us. Boys tend to fall purposely, try to touch at various places inappropriately and feel us. I am so scared to travel in public transport.

A 13 year old girl feels unsafe traveling in the public transport which apparently provides number of privileges to women in general however makes the other section of society not happy!  And still we have the audacity of claiming that men and women are treated equally and we have made such an impactful progress in uplifting women’s status in India. This is very questionable but this conversation gives an equally insightful thought. Here I didn’t had to tell them how public spaces are discriminatory instead dialogue between both of them provided the space to hear each other’s experience and perspective leading to understanding gender norms on their own. Gender has peculiar power to integrate in our lives in the most effective way that we don’t even realize it and assume that this is how our lives are, but when we are able to see the gender difference that’s where the journey to debunk and challenge the gender stereotypes and violence begins.

The session began with the energizer introduced by the participants – ‘number and join the party’ with this game we saw how boys and girls were gelling instead of locking horns!

This was followed by chit activity where the participants discussed and argued on the roles and responsibility of the men and women! Giving examples from household scenario to what they see around themselves; boys insisted that lifting heavy things, welding, and electricity work comes under the men but as the discussion proceeded they all agreed that except for body changes and private parts, everything can be done by both boys and girls. An interesting conversations happened on cooking food which left participants confused – as in homes, mostly girls’ cook food however in big hotels, the food is cooked by chefs who are primarily men. Through this example, the major mindset block that cooking is just for girls shattered without facilitator uttering a word.

In the next part of the session, the participants were invited to share three key messages they have received because they are boy or girl –

“Because I am a boy, I am told not to wear suit salwar, keep my hairs short and play outside and not sit at home like girls”

“Speak slowly, don’t raise voice, and don’t roam around in late nights and wear proper clothes”

“You shouldn’t play with boys, stay away from them and wear full clothes”

“Boys shouldn’t cry, mard ko dard nahi hota and boys are very powerful”

“We are asked to learn and do all the household chores; not allowed to don chores that involve going out and we can’t make boyfriends”

“We are told to keep our hairs long, can’t wear clothes of our choice and have to wear dupatta everywhere”

“Even if I don’t want to go out to play, I am forced to go out”

“Girls are told to behave nicely and not jump around”

“I am told not to use phones and talk to people”

“Mummy tells me not to do make up and dressed up as I want to”

“My parents tell me not to go far away from home”

“Nobody scolds boys even if they roam around during night, they don’t have to ask for permission. We have to ask for permission for everything, we are not even allowed to spend time with our friends”

Through the game of Chinese whispers and gender story we engaged on understanding what gender is, how it plays a role in restricting your capabilities, dreams and desires and we can challenge it to achieve our full potential and lead a better life.

Following this, the participants were asked to share the gender differences they see in their daily lives-

Home:

Most of the household chores like cooking, washing clothes and cleaning house is done by women while the men in the house has to earn money for running the house.

All the most decisions are taken by father/elder men.

Boys roam around and do whatever they wish to.

School:

Separate schools for girls and boys

Boys are beaten by sticks and are punished more.

If it is a Co-ed school, the number of girls in the class is more than boys

Boys bunk classes easily and more often

Most of the time, women are the teachers

Mostly it’s the boy who is the monitor of the class

The timings for school varies – for girls it will always be morning and for boys – it will be afternoon.

Friends/leisure:

Girls don’t like making boys as their friends

The conversations in the girl’s group includes sharing of feelings, what happened in school or in home while in boys group they talk about sports, politics, discuss about girls and many a times tease or comments on girls as well

Public spaces:

Girls do more fashion in public spaces.

You can find more number of boys in park then girls

Women have separate seats in public transport.

In the last part of the session, we talked about different gender and sexual identities. It was interesting to know that the participants were kind of aware about them but they didn’t know the particular name and were confused as to how someone can be not boy or a girl.

“Why do hizras ask for money? Can’t they do job?”

“There is this person in my community who looks like girl but is always dressed up as boy. She has mannerism too like a boy”

“We have few people in our school who don’t identify as boys. I have seen other students making fun of them”

“So, hizras can’t have baby? Can they have periods?”

“I understand what you said but how will two boys have sex and how will they have a baby?”

“How will parents react if someone comes to know their child is kinnar”

“How are Transgenders borne? Does something happen to their parents during sex or some disease?”

“Can a boy marry another boy? Won’t it be weird?”

And these questions paved the way for more understanding and accepting that people exist beyond gender binary.

Why is it important to engage with adolescents on sex and consent?

"Didi, people don't talk about sex, young kids don't know what sex is then why people marry their kids at young age?"

The session on ‘Love, sex and relationships’ with the adolescent participants of Choti Si khushi organization had been challenging in so many ways – the discomfort between boys and girls was so palpable that we had to contemplate on whether to conduct it our way or not; while girls were way hesitant despite previous sessions the boys seemed too eager leading to a huge gap in terms of need and learning, secondly both of them were still not mingling and preferred sitting along with same gender; lastly last minute logistics hassles speakers not working where movie screening with the core aspect of this workshop. But as they always say that the intention to do something supersedes the challenges if they are honest and true so despite these hassles we could engage on the most tabooed topic in Indian society in the best possible ways.

We began with the coin game to energize and gather their energy to the workshop space. It was fun to see how girls and boys mingled and helped their groups in the game to win showing their competitive side irrespective of their gender and standing awkwardness.

Through the story of Paro, we engaged with the participants on consent – what does it means to say No or Yes.

‘She will slap him hard and complain to her teacher’

‘He took advantage of her being alone in the class, he broke her trust’

‘He didn’t anything wrong, they were friends, he liked her so thought that she would like him too’

‘He should have asked her first before kissing her’

‘He might not have asked because he thought Paro would refuse to kiss’

‘Because girls usually never say yes and they are too shy’

‘If I would have been in Paro’s place I would hit him so hard that he will never do this to any other girl’

In the next part of the session, the participants were divided into group and were invited to share ‘whether they have heard the work sex in their daily lives?’ Most of the participants shared that they have heard this word in television, number of popular films and advertisements.

‘A boy and a girl goes to a room, they kiss each other and lie on each other wearing no clothes’

‘I have seen my brother and his wife do sex’

‘We studies about reproduction in science class’

‘Usually my friends talk about sex, which is something girlfriend and boyfriend do’

‘I saw a drunken man harassing a girl in the park. He also took her photos’

‘Seen on mobile phones and XXX videos’

There were two groups of girls who had the most confused expression on their faces with blank sheets for the exercise. They had never heard this word but when promoted all they could recall were boy’s comments or harassment! Clearly the information they have received from their surroundings about sex is very gendered considering boys talk about sex, have seen porn videos and their friends talk about having sex with their partners – they may or may not have clarity of what it is but they relate sex to the fun aspect of their lives while girls are clueless, mostly unaware but are more exposed to violent aspect of sex or forced sex creating a deep seated fear in them. We screened two videos where a 10 year old asks his father about how babies are borne and condom, his father explains using various metaphors and emphasizing the importance of this knowledge as against the voices of society that makes conversations about sex a taboo! 

Due to logistic hassles, we divided the participants into groups and screened these videos onto laptop and cellphones. This also gave us opportunity to interact and discuss with the participants into small group thereby making them comfortable and subliming the tension, awkwardness and shame around the topic in the mixed gender groups. And this worked as magic because the questions erupted just after the discussion-

‘I saw a 15 year old girl getting married, and then she got pregnant. But that’s not right’

‘Can one get pregnant by kissing on lips?’

‘Can people have sex while the girl is on periods?’

‘How do we know the person is pregnant?’

‘Do women have periods during pregnancy?’

‘How do we know that we are ready for sex?’

‘Is there only one way of doing sex?’

‘What is condom made of? Are there condoms for women too?’

And the questions followed post session as well! This makes me always wonder why people still have discussion over what age is appropriate for delivering sex education and emphasizing that they have their entire life to learn about it. Hearing these questions just give me an affirmation that the sooner this knowledge is imparted better it is – the question is how we can talk about it without putting our biases or forcing abstinence so that the adolescents can make informed choices!  

‘I have been called names because I am fat’

‘I am fat, not intelligent, my clothes are weird, black. She might think I am short tempered and irritating. She also thinks that I purposely doesn’t talk to her nicely’

One of the challenges faced by adolescents are their looks, constant need to be desirable, accepted and loved by more and more people. Sometimes obsessing about looks, or comparison of appearance may lead them to the path that can do more harm to their bodies than good. It is also important for them to understand that what they see in television, movies is not something very real and lot of efforts are done by actors and models to achieve a particular look. It could be unhealthy for them to try this at this young age which lead us to engage with the adolescents of Choti Si khushi on the topic ‘Body Image: Do I like my body?’

In the first activity, the participants were invited to choose a partner with whom they don’t usually interact; then they were asked to sit in silence post which they wrote what their partners might be thinking about their looks or appearance -

‘I don’t look good, I am black however I am good in studies and sports’

‘I am not beautiful, I am black, too thin, long limbs and my hairs are too thin’

‘He might be thinking that I am weak and don’t have good clothes to wear’

‘She might be thinking as to why I am sitting with her as I always tease her’

‘He might be thinking as to why I get so angry? He might be feeling bad as he doesn’t want to sit next to me’

‘I am very beautiful, but slightly fat and have pimples on my face’

‘She thinks that I am fat. She is jealous of me since I beat her in a race once. Also I guess she thinks I am ugly’

 ‘She might be thinking that he can’t talk properly, he stammers and has lot of moles on the face. I talk a lot even though I am quite smart’

‘This girl has lot of attitude but she is beautiful’

‘She might be thinking that I engage in fight a lot, have attitude. She doesn’t like me at all. But I don’t think anything bad or good thing about her. I was thinking about my friend mostly. I might be having dark complexion but I still dress up as I enjoy it’

Post this, the participants were divided into groups and were asked to discuss on the questions related to body – what according to them is description of perfect boy or girl? Do they categorize their body as perfect- if not then why?

Attributes of perfect boy – he must be beautiful, have six pack abs, good height, fancy hairstyle, fit body, no marks on face, shouldn’t indulge in intoxication, handsome.

Attributes of perfect girl- Beautiful, when a girl dances she looks pretty, good height but little shorter than boy, good figure, healthy, active, shouldn’t abuse or use cuss words, fit, no pimples, silky hairs, fair, slim, she shouldn’t throw attitude.

‘A perfect girl looks like ** (name of the participant) because she is beautiful, dances well and can make any boy fall for her’

Most of them got to know about perfect body from television, advertisement, friends and actors like Salman, Tiger Shroff and Varun Dhawan.

‘I have been called names because I am fat’

‘I have been taunted and called names because of my height’

‘I have been teased because of my color and people often make fun because of my color’

Using these examples and their desire to change looks/appearances at such an early stage of life, we engaged on body image and its impact.

In the next part of the session, we engaged on peer pressure by inviting the participants to share their experiences if they have ever done something under the influence of their friends.

‘I have beaten some people because they fought with my friends’

‘We tease and trouble girls as group’

‘Smoke and tried alcohol’

‘Lied to my parents, forced my parents to buy a dress because my friend had one’

"I don't like teasing or making fun of others. But when my friends tease others, I join them too"

The participants then displayed their understanding of peer pressure and body image by creating role plays-

The first group depicted the negative impact of body image: Here the girls were rehearsing for annual function; one of the girl has dark complexion so few people were taunting her so one of her friends suggested a whitening cream. She was really sad so she ends up using the cream which doesn’t really changed her color but affected her face. Her friends questioned as to what happened to her face? Taking her example, their teacher explained how we should accept our body and all bodies are different and changing one’s body is not a solution.

In the next role play, there were two friends – one of them being beautiful in socially accepted norms and other one not so beautiful. They depicted how the beautiful one gets accepted, adored and showered with praises and because of this she ends up ignoring her friend. She also suggested her to visit beauty parlor, doing gym and eating less food. This made her even more upset. On the same day, their teacher talks about body image and how it affects self-esteem.

In the third role play, there were 2 boys who tease/stalk girls on constant basis. The girls are scared, they don’t know who to ask for help. Their classmate tried to help them but the other boys beat him badly. He tries again but when the bullies never listen to him. So he tells his teacher about the situation. The teacher hears him out, ask the girls for confirmation while girls affirms the situation however the boys denies it completely. Finally teacher punishes the boys and asks them to stay away from the girls.

The role plays came out very strong depicting the real life situations and how participants could tackle them.

'Don't talk about periods to boys, don't you have any shame?'

“We are told to sleep either on ground or separate bed while on periods”

How do you think a 12 year old girl would react to this statement? What does this instruction actually implies? The simple physical change happening to adolescent girls turns those 4-5 days into an unimaginable nightmare – something that not just haunts them during the stated days but also on the days when there is anticipation as to when they will get periods. It becomes even more difficult when periods come with the do’s and don’ts without being explained the actual reasons. The whispers around periods are so strong that eventually it becomes a problem, disease or something that is dreaded not just by girls but by adult women.

In order to debunk taboos, cultural dilemma and normalize this physical change, we engaged with boys and girls of Choti Si Khushi on ‘menstruation’. The session began with showing a sanitary pad to the participants inquiring whether they have seen it, if yes then what it is used for. And at the very moment, every one of them busted into laughter, shy giggles but few faces just fell down instantly. And that was the moment that emphasized the importance of the session even more. From the raise of hands, we came to know that very few girls have experienced periods. 

Just before we could initiate the conversation on periods, a girl started crying suddenly. On being asked as to what happened, she shared, “Why are you talking about periods when boys are present here? My mother and aunt says that we shouldn’t talk about all this with boys, that’s not right. If they come to know about it, god knows what would happen. Also god don’t forgive me, it’s wrong. Boys can take advantage of this discussion as it is they have plenty of reasons to mock at us, tease and trouble us!”

Indeed the experience was terrifying considering a 13 year old had so many of the reasons so as to not discuss periods – Family, God and Boys! But isn’t it important for girls to know about what is happening with them and why would these 3 have become their enemies? Or so she thinks!

With the help of descriptive chart paper – we engaged with the participants on what are periods? Why do girls have periods? Why do we need sanitary pad- are there any alternatives and more!

Once, the understanding on menstruation was built, the participants were invited to share ‘Do’s and Dont’s for girls during periods that they have heard?’

‘Girls shouldn’t engage in physical activity like playing games or running too fast’

‘Girls are not allowed to visit temples, pray or touch tulsi plant’

‘Girls are not allowed to touch or eat pickles, must avoid eating sour and spicy food’

‘Girls are asked to sit properly and not sit with legs wide open’

‘They are told not to talk about periods with anyone- that’s why they whisper in ears while asking for pads even with their mothers’

‘You shouldn’t take out pads in front of boys’

‘Girls are asked not to wash their hairs or take bath during periods’

‘You should wash your clothes separately; not allowed to enter kitchen and cook food’

‘Don’t eat hot food, avoid cold water, don’t take medicine’

And with every logic, each of the statement was questioned, reasoned and then declared as a taboo and not true thereby establishing the fact that menstruation is a physical change that happens to girls when they enter puberty and it shouldn’t pull them down or restrict their capacity to do things.

The participants were then invited to translate their learning for the day into role plays. For me, they are unique way to express yourself, challenge your fears and comfort zone and display your understanding. Five different situations were given to 5 groups- participants being selected randomly.

The first group debunked the most widely accepted and practiced taboo – ‘Girls are impure and shouldn’t engage in doing puja especially during festivals’ – Here the mother gets angry over the daughter asking her not to tie rakhi to her brother and do the puja during Rakshabandan. However their neighbor makes the mother understand that this is a big taboo and has no relation to periods. All these messages can hamper the growth of child and is not justified considering periods is basically a physical change experienced by girls at the onset of puberty.

The second play stumped me- in this a girl is traveling with her two male friends in a public transport. She gets periods and doesn’t have pad at that moment. So her friends first comforts her and then goes to the pharmacy store to get pad for her. The lady at the counter refuses to give them pad saying that they are boys. They don’t lose heart, explains again but when the woman refuses to listen to them they go to two women sitting close by. One of the woman refuses to even speak to them, however other lady gives them the pad. They then give this pad to their friend. The play doesn’t stop here they show the conversation between the two ladies – where one of the says that you shouldn’t have interacted with the boys, the other one responds that this is no big deal, just imagine having periods and no one giving you pad just because they are ashamed of it – there is no shame in having periods!

In the third play, where the student gets period in the school, the teacher gives her the pad and explains her everything to as to comfort her. When a boy asks the teacher as to what happened, why the girl was bleeding – the teacher doesn’t hesitate but explains everything thereby debunking the myth that this information shouldn’t be shared with boys.

In the last play – there is a match between boys and girls; the girl’s captain gets periods and doesn’t wish to play. The teacher here shares everything about periods and also motivates girls to play despite being on periods emphasizing the importance of physical activity during menstruation. The unique aspect in their role play was that here a boy played the role of girl on periods.

All these plays warmed my heart – not because they created and executed them exceptionally well considering the time but how each of them have caught the minor to major information about periods and used it meticulously in the given situation without hesitation. Even the most shy girl who hardly spoke could explain the importance and normalcy around periods!