“So, why do you want to
get married?” asks 28 year old guy.
She sighed! With lot of
things going in her mind she just wondered what made him ask this question, the
clear agenda of this visit was marriage, he along with his family had come
here, to see her, rate her and decide whether she could be a suitable bride for
him! So why this unnecessary question? She wondered.
 |
| The First Meeting |
“And…what?” asked boy
“And also there is
pressure from my parents to get married soon.” The truth just found the way.
“Yes! I can totally
understand, there is so much pressure on me as well to get married. As many as
2-3 families visit every week to see me, interrogate me on various aspects and
then for some random reason find me unsuitable for their girl” he said with
impressive calmness on his face.
And at that very
moment, the fear, assumptions, judgments and oceans of thoughts took back seat.
She always believed that the marriage- the process before, during and after
marriage is dangerously demanding for girls and boys have the privilege of
doing whatever they want to do but she was seeing new perspective here.
The entire week before
this marriage meeting was spent in chaos, everyday her parents kept insisting on
how good is the boy, how well to do is their family, she should behave properly
in front of them, keep dieting and exercise so that she lose weight (Yes!
another pitfall for girl- she was overweight) this just added more stress and
burden. She failed to understand that in spite of being well educated and
having decent job, marriage defined her identity.
She was getting ready for the
meeting. “Should I wear suit salwar?”
“No, don’t wear that!
It has small sleeves, your shoulders will look broad, in first meeting you
should look slim, wear that full sleeves kurta and leggings. And please don’t
forget to take chunni.” says her mother.
 |
| The pressure cooker called "Marriage" |
It was some Shashtri ji
who had fixed this meeting; before they could have arrived he came in and
busted his own guidance on her, “Beti, just speak politely, don’t talk much,
just nod your head, reply mostly in yes, you understand what I mean, rest you
are intelligent enough” She was really pissed, she was sick and tired of
listening to all these unnecessary speech, however she thought it’s better to
keep mum otherwise she would be labeled uncultured too! One more speech, no
ways! Finally the people arrived, her own home didn’t looked like her home,
table was overflowing with eatables, and now was her turn to enter in the room
where she would be subjected to all sorts of questions and judgments. She took
a deep breath and went to the room; she was made to sit exactly in front of
boy’s parents. She sensed that her first appearance didn’t appeal them rather
they seemed disappointed.
After deafening
silence, his mother asked, “So do you work somewhere, or just sit at home”.
This question literally pierced her senses, she couldn’t take it and with all
her confidence shared about her start up and that’s how the conversations
finally started. She was at ease, before she could bask more in the calmness of
the situation, Shashtri ji announced that the boy and girl should talk with
each other in person. Till now so many questions were asked but the boy didn’t
even make eye contact with her, she was really uncomfortable and she was
surprised that at this point no one
asked her whether she wanted to be left alone with the guy or not?
Gathering all the courage,
confidence and anger she went ahead and what happened next made her think about
the other side of the story. The
conversation with the guy made her deconstruct the whole idea of marriage. “I
am 28 years old, I have just started working with a Lawyer, my entire day is
spent with him and criminal cases. On the other hand, my parents feel that that
this is the right time for me to get married, later I won’t find a bride. I
feel torn and yet after explaining my conditions so many times they don’t seem
to listen so I have given up”
He continued, “I know a
girl would expect me to earn good money, give her importance and time but I
need at least 1-2 years for my own self, to build my status for the marriage. I
know this is the main reason why I have been rejected so many times. For past 2
days I am down with fever and cold but I had to come here to see you because my
parents had promised.” He was honest in sharing his struggles, salary,
pressures and ambitions. She could understand and empathize with him because she
was in the same situation. At the same time, she also realized that
irrespective of the pressure build on her, she can’t succumb to it as this is
an important decision and she needs to own it!
 |
| Choices and consent??? |
She was always accused
of creating conflict, shouting and mess after these marriage meetings, this
time she was calm and composed! On the contrary her sister who was 4 years
younger was agitated, she couldn’t understand how a girl could be subjected to
a situation which seemed like a trial? It was also difficult to see her sister
in this situation where she couldn’t be herself. On one hand, both of them were
working on breaking these structures and on the hand they were subjected and
pitted against the same. At that very moment she promised herself, come what
may she will not let this happen to herself!
It is something to
ponder on as to how this social construct of marriage is demanding and
pressurizing not just for women but also for the men at the same time; there is
so much talk about consent and choices but when it comes to marriage – consent
is restricted to saying ‘yes’ to the boy/girl for privileged people and for
others- they just have to marry! In our society- choice is just a glorified
word, because I doubt if privileged people can also implement their choices, be
it around career, life, marriage or not getting married. I am still thinking
!!!
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