I can do whatever I feel like because I am a boy!

The session on ‘Gender and sexuality’ with the second set of students from Government School began with the context setting for the next 2 hours as to prepare them for the activities and discussion ahead. 

In the first activity, the participants were given chits where certain role, job or work was mentioned – they were invited to form two different queues based on their answer whether they believe this work is done mostly by girls or boys; clearly the line of the boys was longer than the girls! In the next part of the activity – the question was twisted that resulted in no participant in the boy’s line, 2 in girls and rest in the third line! It is always fascinating to see this huge queue that says all work can be done by both boys and girls – this was also evident from the surprise on the faces of participants. 

Two very important things stood out during this activity: Unlike the first set of boys, in this the boy that got the chit of ‘being pregnant’ was not teased or mocked, he looked unaffected and he was not bothered that this if for girls so the gendered mindset that talks about certain work to be done by boys and some by girls was challenged in the most calm way; also the fact he was proudly holding the chit says a lot because I have seen boys getting irritated and angry when they are asked to do something that is supposed to be girl’s work and I was so happy seeing this development. Secondly a boy asked very interesting question -

‘You said that there is nothing exclusive that boys can do while girls have periods and get pregnant. But then men do give sperms so even we contribute if not much’

The next activity of ‘3 key messages received for being boy or girl’ was a huge surprise for us as nothing of this sort has ever happened in the 3 years of our gender work. The participants were not able to write messages; it could be interpreted in two ways. One that the activity bombed which is not the case as it is one of the most easiest and fruitful activity recent proof being the outcome that we have received from other two set of participants we are engaging in the same time period; secondly the way one of the participants said, “I can do whatever I can and whenever I want. Nobody has ever stopped me” clearly states the fact that they haven’t experienced any resistance or restriction because they are boys! This brings out the clear gender divide that exists in the society. 

‘I am a boy and can go out anywhere alone’

‘I can fight with anyone, do body building’

‘I will drink alcohol or smoke or do drugs’

‘You need to study hard so that you can get a job when you grow up’

‘Don’t roam around with girls and don’t do the work that is supposed to be done by girls.’

‘You are a boy so you shouldn’t play with girls’

Through the game of Chinese whispers and gender story, the concept of gender was explained bringing out the point that it is something that is instructed by the society so it could be challenged and changed.

In the next part of the session, we engaged on gender and sexual identities along with going in depth of what sexuality really means? The participants were really curious and bubbling with questions. 

‘You said that Hizras cut their penis? Even Muslims do that so what is the difference’ while answering this question we also talked about the slang and how inappropriate it is to use it.

‘So, how do Transgender do things?’

‘Does that mean they can’t do anything?’

They were concerned and alarmed as to how people who don’t identify as boy or girl sustain in the society considering they would be discriminated at every step. This was one of the objectives of the session as when we are not aware about certain things – we tend to throw judgments, make mockery and show our superiority but when we get to know the reality – the scenario changes and that could actually help in building more equitable society.

‘Why are they less in number?’

‘Do gay or lesbians look different than us?’

‘I get scared when I see kinnars, they look so weird.’

‘What is the sex organ of Transgender and Hizras?’

One of the facilitators shared story of her friend who also identifies as Transgender and the kind of the problems that the person faces as part of their daily lives. It also helped them ponder as to what they used to understand previously in terms of being normal and natural was that actually true? Also if she can be friends with Transgender then why can’t we be? Why would we judge people or discriminate them because of who they are attracted to or with what they are born with? 

We made sure to engage on these topics in a way that the participants would get understand the identities as they now understand what does being boy mean to them? instead of just focusing on stereotypes/judgments or social norms. 

While talking about sexual identities, the conversations shifted to questions around sex-

‘How do girls get pregnant?’

‘How many times do we insert penis so that girl can get pregnant’

‘For how long can we have sex?’

‘Why do girls experience pain during sex?’

‘Why does the body of girls change after sex?’

‘Is it okay to have sex during pregnancy?’

‘My friend is 15 years old; he told me that he is having sex with a girl. Clearly they are not ready for babies and he might land in trouble. What do I do to stop them for doing so?’

These questions were all linked, they were just popping in one by one – they were all coming in sequence as if logically thought upon, it just felt interesting. This made me understand that why students find it difficult to ask questions in the school space. These questions indicate that they are either placing themselves in the said situations or because of the people they know are in the same situations.

It was beautiful to see the participants making connect with us beyond the workshop as few of them actually searched Facebook page of Sahas, saw the photographs, read articles of the workshops and our journey. One of the participant shared, “Both of us live in the same community. While we were going back to our respective homes, we found a small boy who was lost somehow. Both of us helped him reach back to his family, we even made announcement in the Majjid. The family was so happy to find their kid back; they applauded us and asked if we need something in return.” The crucial point here is that the two participants who rescued the boy don’t really see eye to eye in the class but they are slowly trying to mend their ways and this is an excellent example of peer learning!

One of the Ahhha moments of the session was while talking about gender differences they experience 

Me: Who can go out in evenings or nights and doesn’t even have to ask for permission?

Participants: Obviously boys! Not even a question.

Me: But why not girls?

Participants: Because something would happen to them if they go out alone in night. It’s not safe for them.

Me: Why? They are not safe from whom?

Participants: Boys can be really mean! It is because of boys, girls don’t feel safe.

Me: Then why stop girls?

Participants: Ohh! Right. Actually boys shouldn’t be allowed to go out in night. They could be taught that because of them girls are not able to freely roam around.

How 'being a girl' plays a role in curbing the freedom of girls in this Free India!

“When girls are with their friends, they speak about what happened in home or school while boys smoke, talk about dirty things and harasses girls along with their friends”

The session on ‘gender and sexuality’ with girls began with the introduction of the agreements that need to followed in the session along with how they are very well relevant in the real life too. Through the chit activity, the participants explored the social norms and stereotypes that instruct roles and responsibility based on one’s gender. At the end of the activity, there was no one in the line of boys, 2 in the lines of girls – being pregnant and having periods and rest of them being in the queue that says this work can be done by both boys and girls.

“This means that boys don’t do anything!”

“Girls can do everything plus there are things that only we can do”

“This makes me so happy”

The smiles, proud grin and surprised look on their faces was pure sight as they understood that they can do anything as against to whatever is being told to them constantly or what they see in the society. In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 where they were asked to share ‘3 messages they have received because they are girls?’

‘When we come home late in night, we are always told to come home early because we are girls’

‘Don’t go to parties – you are a girl, should stay at home’

‘If we talk to boys for a while then we are told not to speak to them as we are girls’

‘We are asked to wear clothes that are meant for girls’

‘When we go out with friends that include boys and girls both, my mother always say that you should go out only with girls as you are a girl’

‘I love wearing shorts but my parents tell me not to wear those’

‘I am always told to stay at home and do household chores instead of playing outside’

‘Don’t scream, talk loudly, don’t roam around, avoid sour food, do household chores, use chunni and wear suit salwar’

‘Stay in home, cook food, clean house, grow your hairs long, talk less, don’t wear short clothes, don’t engage in fashion’

‘Girls should behave properly and learn to be like girls’

‘Girls should be careful when they go out’

‘Seedhe jana seedhe aana’

‘Don’t stare at boys, don’t fall into the traps of boyfriend and girlfriend and don’t speak to strangers’

‘Don’t go on the road where lots of boys are standing, stay away from boys during periods, never pass across the empty lanes’

‘You should tell everything in the phone, don’t do any gestures at boys and don’t see random things on mobile phones’

‘My grandparents love my brother more and they don’t love me’

‘If you are alone at home, never open the doors for anyone else than parents’

‘Don’t make excuses for household chores, just do as you are asked’

‘You should never go out alone, don’t talk loudly and don’t get angry’

‘You should sit properly, fold your legs and girls don’t sit or sat with their legs open’

‘Girls are not allowed to study more, in some places they are prohibited from going to schools’

‘Girls shouldn’t argue with boys’

‘Don’t put make up when you go out and don’t go out without permission’

‘Don’t roam around with hairs open, keep your hairs tied up’

‘Shouldn’t bad mouth or engage in fighting’

‘You shouldn’t go to men’s washroom and can’t go to boys school’

‘You shouldn’t laugh in front of boys’

‘You should be careful of boys while traveling in bus.’

‘I used to love having short hairs but my parents told me to grow hairs’

‘Boys do drugs but girls can’t’

I am not surprised but hearing these messages are very painful – 12-13 years old are restricted n every possible way because they are girls in terms of how they can stand, sit, talk to whom, timing when they can go out or not, their clothes, their voice and every possible aspect of their life in the fear of what could happen to them! It infuriates me and make me always question the kind of world we are living in and is this actually what we say when we call ourselves as citizens of Free India? 

With the help of Chinese whispers and gender story, definition of gender was explained. Taking this opportunity we also divulged into the STEM stereotypes and choice of subjects post 10^th class because that is highly depended on one’s gender especially in case of girls. It was also important to emphasize that whenever a girl is denied an opportunity or told things to do or not – it’s not because they are incapable or doesn’t have caliber but because you are a girl and that has nothing to do with your capacities. You can do whatever you feel like irrespective of you being girl or boy! 

This was followed by the discussion on the gender differences that we see in homes, public spaces, school and friends –

Home-

‘All the household chores are done by my mother and outside work by father’

‘Whenever a guest comes to homes, girls do all the serving of water, tea and snacks’

‘If brother and sister are sitting in the home doing nothing, parents would never say anything to the brother but will always taunt the girls and ask them to do something or anything’

School –

‘If we study in co-ed schools, then girls won’t be able to share freely. We would be too shy and uncomfortable’

‘Boys are allowed to play tough sports while girls are given easier sports to play or indoor games’

‘There are separate bathrooms for boys’ and girls’

Public spaces –

‘More of male shopkeepers in the market’

‘Women don’t go out much’

The third sentence was very conflicting for me – ‘In the public transports, women are given more seats.’ This statement is not actually correct logically but that just reflects that girls are so used to lack of opportunities that whenever they are given small privileges like particular seats in buses or metro – they don’t respect it, sees this as discrimination against the other gender. This is so disappointing and this is same as what young women say! How do we go from here? To actually change the current scenario of gender discrimination- it is important to make boys realize that they have privileges because they are boys and girls need to educated that when given opportunity please take it and it has to be worked both ways to bring much needed social change.

In the next part of the session, we explored gender and sexual identities beyond the societal norms of being girl or boy. The girls were intently listening and it didn’t really surprise them except for the names of the identities – they were curious and full of questions.

‘Ohh I always wondered why one of the bhaiya wears clothes that are for girls and put on makeup. He looked really pretty’

‘Are transgenders borne this way or they become like this?’

‘Why do hizras clap so loudly and ask for money?’

‘Can hizras become pregnant?’

‘How do lesbians have sex? Can they get pregnant?’

‘How do we know who is transgender, gay or lesbian? Do they look different?’

‘They are very less in number?’

‘Why are girls attracted to girls and boys to boys? How is that possible?’

It was this moment, where we also engaged on sec 377, what the law says and how it was abolished last year by Supreme Court. It was very crucial to have conversations on various identities so that this discomfort that comes when you don’t know and end up discriminating them without valid reasons can be challenged – the whole concept of what is normal and natural to be dismantled was the highlight of the session on ‘gender and sexuality’

                       

Let's talk about gender beyond the concept of girl and boy!

“There was a family who were not very economically sound. The family had a boy and a girl, their father used to bring phone for boy and doll for girl. On asking why, father said girls should be at home and do household chores. The boy was motivated to study for Engineering and girl was not supported even though she was good in studies and wanted to be an Engineer. The brother used to see this and try to reason out, he believed that his sister deserved a chance, a choice for career. He purposely didn’t do well in exam while his sister progressed. Because of their results, father had no choice but to support daughter in her pursuit for Engineering. We should be like this brother and let our sisters fly!”

The session on ‘Gender and Sexuality’ began with the agreements wherein we engaged on the importance of these values not just in the workshop space but also in real lives. The value of respecting each other was discussed upon considering the participants are still going on with ‘tit for tat’ thought process and right and left abusing each other or demeaning. It was important to make them understand that the words could do so much harm, demeaning each other is sign of weakness and also by building a space where you respect one another can only lead to moving forward. This made certain faces smile probably indicative of building their class in more inclusive and respecting space.

Following this, the participants engaged in ‘Chit activity’ that explores division of roles, strengths and responsibility based on gender. It was interesting to see that at the end of the activity the line which represents roles that can be done by both girls and boys was longest, no one in line of boys and two in line of girls – being pregnant and having periods. This activity was to emphasize that whatever reality that is seen in society, fact remains that almost all the work can be done by both girls and boys. 

The participants were then divided into groups to discuss the messages they have received being a boy-

‘Because I am a boy, I have never been stopped from going out at any time of the day’

‘I can do whatever I wish to’

‘I can play and go out with my friends without asking for permission’

‘I can ride bullet, I can do everything that girls are not allowed to do, I can perform stunts and I can climb trees’

‘I never harass girls’

‘You shouldn’t cry’

‘In terms of job, guys get all liberty but if girls do jobs people talk lot of bad things about them’

‘I am not allowed to do household chores or cook food, I am not allowed to clean or wipe the floors, doesn’t allow to play with doll’

‘My mother tells me not to wash dishes or use broom’

‘I am being told to stay away from the girls’

‘Because we are boys, we are not obligated to do household chores also all my needs are fulfilled without any hassles.’

‘I am constantly reminded to study so that I can do job once I grow up’

‘I have to help my father run shop’

‘We are asked to go out and play in the park. Parents tell us not to spend too much time in homes’

‘We are well fed and also told to have healthy food so that we are well built’

One of the most interesting things in this activity was that one of the groups actually came up with Don’ts –

‘We should never tease, harass or use words for girls’

‘We should never touch the sex organs of girls’

‘We should never go to girl’s toilets’

‘We must never write wrong words on the desks where girls also sit’

‘We must never engage in drugs or any kind of substance abuse’

‘We must not drive vehicle before we are 18’

‘Never engage in gambling or satta’

Though everything was not all that rosy during these activities – the boy who got the chit of being pregnant was constantly teased, one of the boy said to another that you should be a transgender rather than being a boy, there were constant derogatory words being used and an incidence of bullying happened. For us, as important as the content of the workshop is – the issues that crop us holds the same value – so instead of proceeding we paused and spoke to them in stern and very firm way so as to make them understand that this is not okay. About the incidence of bullying – the first step was to support the boy who was affected by having a direct and soothing conversation and lastly confronting the person in the big group. He smiled at the support and the way he carried himself post this conversation made me happy that he would always remember this action and get strength from it to be able to fight against bullies.

After this intense and heated discussion, we built the understanding of gender through the game of Chinese whispers and gender story. It was here we mentioned that whenever you get an opportunity just stop and think that you got this because you are capable or because of your gender!

This was followed by two boys sharing the story and connecting with the concept of gender equality in their own ways. I was surprised and spell bound hearing 13 years old speaking about this in the most sensitive way. This has never happened in our workshops so even if the participants may or may not remember definition of gender, they would definitely remember these stories.

Taking cue from the participant who used sexual identity as a mocking word, we engaged on different gender and sexual identities. To be able to understand that these identities are as important as their identity of being a boy was actually path breaking – to be able to love anyone without this obligation of gender was a new knowledge to them, so they were extremely curious and were asking lots of questions. This was one of the most crucial parts of the session – to make them understand that though we talk about binary of gender, there are lots of people with different identities and using that as cuss words is not okay and its violation. We also took this opportunity to explain sec 377, what it was, why SC abolished it and why people find it difficult to share their identities as boys do!

This was also a moment of realization for us – we have always thought that having a male facilitator along with us while engaging with boys is great idea and it helps in comforting the boys, but during all these sessions, we understood that this is just a mindset hassle. Being of opposite gender and yet engaging with boys is interesting, putting them out of their comfort zone, analyzing the privileges and being opening up as against the norms of society can be a real life changing moment and support each of us in the process of building a world without this discrimination.