Engaging with the adolescents on the issues of 'Body image and peer pressure'

“I am not feeling okay because why would he think so low about me?”

This idea that I don’t look good enough, I need to change myself to fit in so that people accept me – where is this exactly coming from? Granted we see television, hear from people around us, our peers but this feeling that the others might be thinking that my body is not perfect, I am too fat or too thin and so on being crowding you can be devastating and dangerous. How do we decide which size of waist is perfect, or having six pack abs means you are handsome, or being fair makes you beautiful – these messages comes from society- from us, so it’s important to have these conversations to debunk the idea of ‘beauty’.

The session on ‘Body Image and Peer Pressure’ with the second set of adolescent boys began with the activity ‘My friend thinks what about my body?’ 

‘My hairs are dirty and face is not good’

‘Why I don’t grow taller?’

‘He must be thinking that I am too fat and I look older than my age’

‘He must be thinking that I am ugly, my hairs are dull, doesn’t shine and I am dark skinned’

‘That I am slim and handsome’

‘My hairs are bad, I have pimples, have dark skin and worst in studies’

‘He must be thinking that my eyes are disoriented, black face, and that I am not his friend’

‘That I am short, very thin and have rumpled hairs’

‘He must be thinking that my penis is small and god knows what all!’

‘That I am ugly, have hairs like bird’s nest and dwarf’

‘That I am very fat, dirty hairs, must have put up colors in hairs and face is also fat’

On asking, how did they feel while writing about their partner’s perception about their body?-

‘If what I have written is true that it pisses me off and I would want to hit him’

‘It feels bad to write this, makes me feel as if I am ugly!’

‘Is he actually thinking what I have written?’

These sharing indicate strong body image issues with the participants because they all wrote negative things about their body in light of what their partners would be thinking- this may or mayn’t be true. This is deep down in them that they don’t look good, there is something wrong or missing in them and hence it’s more about one’s own perception! As the word itself says it’s an image or perception and that’s not a reality. 

Post this; the participants were divided into groups of 4 where they were asked to engage on certain questions related to perfect body of boy and girl-

Perfect boy- Must have good face, good hairs, fit body, broad chest, heavy muscles, good height, six pack abs, fair, handsome, body builder, and shaped beard. He should be like an actor (name not mentioned)

Perfect girl- Beautiful, long hairs, must have clear face, no pimples, sexy, hot, fair, cultured, good height, slim waist, charming face, chikni, heavy bust, perfect figure, pleasant smile and fit body. She should be like a princess.

From where did you learn about this? – Television, advertisements and films.

‘I have been mocked because of my weight – I was told that I occupy too much of seat and am too fat’

‘People just shout fat, mota and go away!’

‘I have been mocked about my height that I am too short’

‘I don’t think my body is perfect, I wish to go to gym and build my body, have six pack abs to look presentable’

‘I wish to increase my height’

‘I did dieting to lose weight and do some exercise’

This was followed by sharing the story of a boy who engaged in gyming at very early age and end up risking his life to build his body. The story was told in step by step in order to cover the vast spectrum that led to him doing what he did – so how did he get the notion of having a perfect body – influenced by television then included in his life, because of his physique he attracted lot of attention, many people became his friends, girls were hovering around! He was riding high on popularity and how his life goal became restricted to having a perfect body! This changing of lifestyle in such extreme measure moved him towards his almost death. Through this story and all these observations, the concept of body image was explained. The boys who are usually very loud and noisy, were scared, some of them had tears and pain was visible on the faces because of the story.

In the next part of the session, we engaged in the game of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for certain statements to understand peer relationships. They have lied to their parents, bunked classes, indulged into fights, made girlfriend, brought new clothes, made friends or ignored people because of their friends! Then the session was opened to the participants to share stories where they felt pressured by their friends to do something that they didn’t wish to do.

‘There is this boy in our class, very obedient and studious – one day he was absent from the class. He went with his friend to some bridge in Palam. After that he kept disappearing from the class. The teacher was annoyed so one day when he came, teacher scolded him and asked him to bring his father to the class. He didn’t do it so was scolded again. Finally we came to know that he didn’t really wanted to bunk but his friend was blackmailing him to go out again and again – on not doing as said, the friend would tell his father.’

Most of them admitted to engage in smoking, drinking, hukkas, and even trying drugs because of their friends. It seemed that for them it was part of life to engage in teasing and harassing girls on streets. With all these examples, peer pressure and its impact on life was explained.

Since we have been engaging on their behaviors constantly that may or may not fall into the categories of topics we deal in respective workshops, few more observations were made. Their constant use of abuses, the way they hit each other on small things – we decided to include these in terms of agreements to be followed in the workshop along with explaining the relevance of same in their real lives.

Secondly, there is this boy who loves singing and has been asking that if he could sing before the session starts or post session. Before he could start singing, other participants started commenting and making fun of him and that made him sad. In spite of this debacle, he sang a beautiful song and enthralled the audience. To be able to do what you like in the space where everyone is judging you it is commendable and show amazing resilience. 

After this, one of the students came up and said that he and the other student used to sing together but then teacher asked him to focus on studies so he left music! But the boy who sang the song came up and said they could get back to singing if the other wants to. This particular set of students have very different energy, they are slowly opening up, it seems that they find it difficult to share their feelings but with each session they are building the courage and are able to trust the space to open their heart! And this makes me so happy that they look forward to the sessions not just because of the things they can learn but also to a space where they can share without feeling judged, ashamed or embarrassed.

What does it mean to have a perfect body and being beautiful?

“I was so confused when you asked us to pair up with a person whom I least talk to! I didn’t know what to write because with friends we know what opinion they have about us but with stranger I didn’t get a great feeling. I was worried”

The session with girls began with an activity where they were asked to pair up with a person in the group with whom they have interacted least and then write ‘what your partner would think about your body?’ This activity encountered a lot of resistance as girls wanted to be paired up with their friends however we helped them understand the need with one of the agreements of the workshop - openness and full participation! Few of the sharing included- 

‘She must be thinking that my hairs are too small, why I would do so much fashion and that I am fat’

‘That I am fat, have pimples on my face and have rough hairs’

‘She might be thinking that I am too thin and have very light hairs. My friends always tease me by calling me kakdi and tell me to eat more so that I can gain some weight’

‘She must be wondering why my ears and nose is not pierced, why I don’t braid my hairs, why is she so fat and why she is dumb in studies’

‘She must be thinking as to how fat I am, my dress is too loose and have dark complexion’

‘That why I have dark complexion, why don’t I put oil in my hairs and why am I not fashionable’

‘She must be thinking that I should be taller, slimmer and must have long hairs’

‘That I am fat and not beautiful’

‘That I am black, fat, have short hairs and I look ugly. I don’t fight with others so may be she thinks I am coward’

‘She must be thinking that how she is so beautiful, what she does to have such long hairs and how is she so attractive’

‘I have bad and uneven teeth’

‘Previously I used to have long hairs, now that they are short I feel weird’

‘She thinks that I am short, have dark complexion, puts too much oil in hairs, failure and very arrogant’

‘Who knows she might hate me strongly’

‘Why is she so tall, why she has such big lips, why she doesn’t speak to people?’

‘She might be thinking as to why I put eyeliner every day, why she is arrogant and stubborn, how is she fairer than me. How do I be friendly with other?’

When the last statement was read out by the participant, everyone said yes she is very arrogant! It was very important to actually stop them from pointing out instead build a conversation where this judgment could be processed and cater her need to be friendlier.

On asking how participants felt about writing this-

‘Felt weird, was vulnerable while writing about this. Post that I felt light to let this off my head’

‘Why do people think about us like this?’

‘I was wondering what she might be thinking about me – positive or negative’

‘I felt really bad’

‘Am I that ugly?’

‘Why would she think like this about me?’

The important point here is that all of the participants actually wrote negative things about them from their partner’s point of view. None of them thought that may be their partner would be thinking about their positive attributes- why do they think like this? When someone says they don’t really care, the truth is you care that’s why you are thinking about it and writing it too – this is what body image is all about!

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 and asked to discuss on certain questions as follows

Perfect boy- Handsome, fair, smart, should have height as an actor (name not mentioned), good hairs, must be polite and not rowdy, should have abs, great hairstyle, cute,  short hairs, should be loving, blue eyes, little beard.

Perfect girl – Long hairs, fair, fit and smart body,  she must be well mannered, must have good values, beautiful, slim, hot, beautiful lips, good figure, eyelashes should be long, should have moderate height.

From where did they learn about perfect boy and girl- Family, television, friends, advertisements, from the advertisements for marriage in the newspaper.

Have you ever been teased about your body-

‘I have been teased and taunted for me being fat’

‘I have been ridiculed for my skin color and because I am too thin’

‘Because of my lips and attitude’

‘My friends constantly remind me that I have weird teeth’

‘People have called me zombie multiple times’

Do you want to change your body? Did you do anything to change your body?

‘I did try by eating less food’

‘I do want to have slim waist’

‘I want to be more fit and increase my height’

‘I have tried to gain weight because I am too thin and my friends keep nagging me for it’

‘I constantly hang on huge things to increase my height’

Through the story of a girl who struggled with her weight and teasing, body image was explained.

In the next part of the session – we read out statements so as to gather an understanding of their peer relationships. So all of them have lied to their parents, bunked classes, involved in fights, stopped speaking to people, brought clothes, trust friends more and wish to look more beautiful because of their friends or with an intention not make their friends upset! The answers given by participants showed that they feel free to share their secrets, questions and vulnerability and in this process they are becoming authentic which is beautiful – that’s why one of the important thing popped up – insecurity of sharing one’s friend with others, they end up restricting their friends from interacting with others assuming that their relationship would be affected.

‘I once stopped speaking to one of the girls from other class due to a fight between her and my friends. Later I felt bad because I had nothing to do in this scenario’

‘I feel really bad when she speaks to other girls, sometimes just to tease me! I don’t like it’

‘There are times when my friend stops me from speaking to others. It doesn’t seem right but she gets angry.’ 

This pattern of peer relationship was identified and we engaged by sharing examples – there is space for every relationships in your life; you can be best friends with one and friends with others too. Also it’s important to give space and time for the friends otherwise if they feel controlled, eventually they would leave. Above all it is equally important to understand that being jealous, insecure and vulnerable is fine but this needs to talked to your friends – that’s why we have friendships.

There were few interesting things that happened like while engaging on agreements – one of the girls explained ‘openness’ as we should be able to speak to our parents freely, if a boy harasses someone, they shouldn’t shy away and immediately share it with their parents.

Secondly one of the girls asked ‘Can girls get pregnant just by kissing? Can a girl conceive if she has sex during periods?’ 

While closing the workshop, the participants asked us whether the two facilitators are siblings; what is their age? Are they married? These questions actually indicated that they are building bonds beyond facilitator and participant relationship; they are considering them as trusted adult who would answer all their curiosities!

Me: Nope I am not married.

Participant: But why?

Me: Because I haven’t found a guy of my choice.

Participant: So, you will marry only when you find your choice of boy?

Me: Yes. We should marry only when you love someone not because you are of certain age.

Participant: But what if you grow old? How would you have sex!

I was surprised because usually people say that you won’t get married if you are old but these girls were actually thinking from our workshops. I was so happy so I took this opportunity to engage to make them comfortable with the idea of sex, age and marriage. This has been one of the most interesting workshops in terms of curiosities and seeing them adapt the agreements into their real lives.

Let’s talk about six pack abs, gyming and friendships!

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you look into the mirror? Do you stop by and say you look incredible, beautiful or handsome! May be not – why? because we end up comparing ourselves with the standard norms of being beautiful and end up saying – ‘I need to reduce this extra fat from my belly’ ‘ I should may be join gym’ ‘I should that new cream, it could lighten my skin or that shampoo which can make it more bouncy’ and many others! This idea of not being comfortable with one’s body starts from adolescence, it becomes crucial to address considering it may lead to not just physical hazards but also cause self-esteem issues!

The session on ‘Body image and peer pressure’ with the students of 8^th A began with an activity ‘What might he/she be thinking about my body?’ Following are some of things participants wrote on the same lines-

“He might be thinking that I am a terrible boy, my hairs are dirty and my face doesn’t look good”

“He might be thinking that I am blind as I can’t see things with clarity. Also I am very thin”

“He might be thinking that my hairs are very short, I am fat, mental and not fair in comparison with him.”

“He is black, has very less hairs and very thin”

“I am very short in height, thin, dark skinned and not handsome”

“He must be thinking that I don’t look good and he is pretty handsome”

On asking as to how does it feel to write about yourself from other’s point of view makes you feel, one of them said, “What if he really feels like this about me? Am I that ugly?”

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 4 wherein they were asked to discuss on few questions and then present it in the larger group.

The qualities of an ideal girl – Should be beautiful, very fair, great figure, sexy, long and silky hairs and must wear good clothes.

The qualities of an ideal boy- Six pack abs, healthy, someone like a body builder, rough and tough, smart, must be rich, fair, impressive hairstyle.

From where have you heard about these qualities – Friends, television, I heard about what is a good girl from my family, advertisements.

Almost everyone agreed on being teased and taunted for their body shape, color and height. Many of them also admitted that they tease other boys for their body weight and color. Most of them wanted to change their body – wanting to build six pack abs through gyming and dieting, change color and height.

‘I guess my body is perfect, I go to gym, do exercise and eat as I am told!’

Me: Why do you need six pack abs?

Participants in chorus: Sex pack abs make girls swoon, they are easily impressed by good looks, to protect my future wife and girlfriend, to look stylish, to show off and others.

There was only one participant who said, “I want to go to gym to be fit and healthy, to be in shape. I do exercise on those machines installed in the park and play games.”

This was followed by sharing of a real life story of a boy and his obsession with gyming that almost cost him his life. The participants who are otherwise very chatty were listening very intently and seemed quite affected by the story.

Building on the activities done and the story shared, we engaged on what exactly do we understand by perfect body, what it means to look good, when we don’t have that perfect body then what happens and being affected by other’s opinions and notions  and taking extreme measures to achieve that body sums up ‘Body Image’

In the next part of the session; through various statements like I say yes for every plan my friends make so that they are not upset; I have bullied or insulted or made fun of others because of my friends etc. we engaged on the friendship behaviors and patterns of the participants. All the participants have agreed to their friend’s plans so that they are not angry, lied to their parents, bunked classes, involved in fights, made girlfriend because of friends!

Then we invited them to share their stories where they did something because of the pressure of friend rather than their will.

One of the participant admitted to stealing food, many of them accepted to have tried smoking cigarettes, hukkas and even alcohol and teasing girls. With these examples coming directly from the participants, peer pressure was defined. 

Apart from the issues discussed, we were hearing lot of things – like participants abusing each other over very trivial things; during one of the activity one of boy said, ‘tu kya ladhki hai jo tujhe chedunga!’; one of the terrible lines were ‘Ladhkiya ladhko ko fansa deti hai!’; another participant mocked one of the boys by saying, “Why would he enjoy the session of sex education as if it would be of any use of him” and certain incidences of bullying. We had two options- one either to ignore these since they don’t directly come under the topic of discuss or deal with it right there. We chose the latter, these statements were scary and intimidating coming from 13 year olds – these are the messages of society that we keep hearing on and off and hence this was an opportunity not only to debunk these messages but support the boys to become better individuals. 

And the discussion really paid off and this was the point when we decided to have another session added to our program ‘Masculinity and Gender based violence’