'Deciphering Gender'

“I always wear jeans and shirt but nowadays I am asked to wear suit- salwar. One day when my mom was not at home and I had to go to market, I wore jeans and as soon as I stepped out of home, my neighbor interrupted and said that the good girls don’t wear jeans, by wearing this you are trying to attract attention of boys. 

Decoding 'Gender'

On the other hand, my sister-in-law taunted that it’s because girls wear short clothes that leads to rape” shares 12 years old participant. This was alarming! Finally we have come to the point where we and the participants were ready to talk about what it means to be a boy or a girl? Broadly we were now ready to decode “Gender”. The day began with energizing the participants by inviting them to interact with their partner via gibberish on various topics like pink and blue; pant and skirt and others. 

We screened the movie ‘Girl and Boy’ followed by dividing them into pairs having one girl and one boy each, they were then invited to stand in concentric circles. The participants were asked to share with their partner on ‘What is that one thing they would like to do if they are of opposite gender?’ Strangely most of the boys shared that if they were girl then they would like to cook food! One of them also shared that he would go to parlor, wear colorful dresses. On the other hand most of the girls shared that they would enjoy freedom, will ride bike, would also do job when they grow up. Then they were asked ‘What is that one thing they won’t do if they are of opposite gender?’ A 9 years old boy said, “I would never put nail polish, people tease me”. Most of the boys didn’t want to marry if they were girl, some of them didn’t want to have periods as in future they might become pregnant. While girls shared that they won’t engage in fights or tease girls.

To dig dipper what it means to be a girl or a boy, we shared our personal gender stories and then screened “Lesser men”. The participants were divided into 3 groups where each of them was invited to share 3 key messages they have received about being a girl and boy. I have been doing this with young people and I had also participated in the same activity many times, but what these adolescents shared stumped me! A 12 years old boy shared, “During navratras, girls are invited to eat food on the 9^th day whereas boys are not even invited.” Few messages involved, “Ladhkiya paraya dhan hoti hai”, “boys bring glory to family’s name” “Girls should wear suit salwar” “Girls should learn how to cook, otherwise what will they do in their husband’s home?” 14 years old boy shared, “I love dancing, I am always taunted that I can do girl’s steps better than boy’s steps. During dance too, I am questioned on the make-up, that’s why my parents don’t want me to do dance”. 

Moving forward, through the game of Chinese whispers and co-constructing the story we tried to understand from where “Gender” is coming. I had been doing this session for past 2 years, and I had always seen facilitators getting stuck while weaving the story with the blocks like ‘why a man and woman had to live together?’ ‘What do man and woman do to give birth to a child?’ were difficult to process; also to share about sex at this point didn’t make sense. However this time sharing the story was so fluid and effortless as we had already taken workshop on ‘Puberty’, ‘love, sex and relationships’ and participants knew what sex is? How a woman gets pregnant? Things were working out for good. It was heartening to see a 12 year old boy explain sex in detail so that rest of the participants can understand. I am definitely feeling energized.

To take this understanding further, the adolescents were divided into 4 groups and were invited to discuss on the gender differences they see in four different spaces that is home, school, friends and public spaces. The participants presented their discussion in the larger group – few points to share from the discussion were- in home, mostly mothers and sisters cook food, girls are not allowed to go out alone while boys can go out at any time they wish, in schools boys and girls are made to sit separately, teachers tell girls not to talk to boys and make friends with them, in public spaces most of the shopkeepers are men, seats are reserved for females in public transport, different sports to boys and girls, society doesn’t accept boy and girl as friends, if a boy unknowingly touches a girl then also he is looked down upon and many more.

I have been told many times that gender work with adolescents won’t work out as they are not big enough to challenge gender based violence, also they don’t have capacity to understand this issue, but with our intervention with adolescents I have realized that even this is a part of Chinese whisper, in fact it is easier and fun to work with kids as there is no conditioning in them compared to adults, they are receptive to learning.

“Didi, don’t say kids, we are not, we are growing up! You know na, we are undergoing puberty. You only told us” said a 13 years old participant. I could just smile, with them I am also learning to unlearn my assumptions and messages that I have received all my life. Way to go :-)