Decoding the mysterious shame and stigma around sex, condoms and consent

“If Shivam kisses Radha, she won’t slap him or engage with him as in kiss him back. She will just move out of the class. She would be confused as to what just happened”

We began our third workshop on ‘Love, sex and consent’ with the adolescents by collating their thoughts, feelings and whether they have heard anything around the word ‘Sex’.  While everyone was busy scribbling their thoughts, one of the participants was looking elsewhere but not actually writing anything. On being asked whether they have already completed the activity, the girl responded, “I am fine, this is okay. This doesn’t concern me that much so!”

Once everyone completed their story, we invited them to share what they have written and how do they actually feel when they hear this word ‘sex’ There was obvious hesitation in coming forward and talking about it.

Before we could say anything, the girl who refused to write anything around sex said, “It’s a normal word, nowadays it can be heard anywhere, it is talked about very casually. I don’t think there has to be any shame around it. I feel pretty normal hearing the word. Once my friend talked about how her boyfriend wants to have sex. I was taken aback, oh it doesn’t happen like this! Is this some joke. It’s not necessary if he has asked her you have do it. Its fine if sex is normal, people are talking about it. Why should I feel ashamed if my friends openly talk about it, what is the shame in hearing or talking about it”

There was an edge while she shared her thoughts while initially refusing even to acknowledge that it has some importance to it. This could imply many things – one thing that is obvious is that even though she said it’s normal so many times, maybe she isn’t comfortable about it or it scares her. It seemed more like deflection then being okay with it.

Another participant shared that she doesn’t really feel that this conversation or saying the word is normal, it makes her uncomfortable. There is always this thought in her mind, what if someone says it – what will she do, what if someone sees her even listening to the word while in conversations, what will people think about her. With trembling voice, she says that hearing this word, talking about it feels her with shame automatically even if she doesn’t want to.

One of the boys shares, “I don’t feel normal while hearing this word. It makes me uncomfortable and awkward”

However this conversation took a very interesting turn when one of the girls shared, “Initially when I was not aware about sex, it was this BIG BAD word for me. I used to be scared as to oh my god why are you saying this word. I used to feel ashamed on my own even if I had nothing to do with it. I didn’t understand what it means or what is it actually but it was like I am pretty sure that this is very bad word, we shouldn’t never talk about it and not utter anything like that in front of others. But when I came to know about it, I realized that it’s very important aspect of life, generations of human kind develop because of it. Though I know only few things but I am now sure it’s not a bad word”

Yet another participant pointed out that she used to feel really ashamed of the word sex, but now she is okay with it however she still doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it around her family and relatives.

After gathering their understanding around sex, we engaged on ‘how babies are born’ through a movie followed by engaging on what is sex, who can do sex, what it means to have sex and what are the ways to show love, affection and attraction.

We then engaged on condoms, contraceptive methods and sexually transmitted diseases through a video, play cards and discussion. It was interesting to watch them laugh, ask questions and being comfortable around the most tabooed topic of sex and condoms where even adults educated or not just shy away from the conversations as if it will make them unholy.

“I felt so good seeing the movie. It was hilarious, I loved how his father explained sex to the son so clearly. How I wish this happens in real life too”

What we have observed around the conversations on sex or sexuality is that people easily skip or just forget to have a discourse on consent! Our context, society, parents or education tell us what it means to say Yes or NO! Is it okay to say No? Will my No be heard?  And interestingly saying Yes and No is so gendered – like girls are always taught to say yes to things that are asked of them, how many times we see or believe that she can say NO to a situation or things she doesn’t want to do, while boys are never taught to hear No, they are provided with everything so even if someone says No, they just don’t hear it. Take the examples of the high profile cases of sexual harassment being talked in courts where the offender is let go because he didn’t hear the No or victim didn’t say clear No. So we took this opportunity to engage on consent by sharing the story of a girl who is kissed by her friend.

“Radha would slap him tightly”

“If she liked him, then she will also get involved. I mean she will kiss back because she is also attracted to him”

“She would scold him because till now they haven’t confessed their attraction and he didn’t ask her”

“She would rush away from him because she didn’t know what to do with it”

Post this session, we got numerous feedback –

“I learnt so many new things from this workshop – you talked about sex in such a normal way that I didn’t feel shame. I liked the theme and discussion around the story of Radha”

“I learnt that it’s important to speak about private parts. I can ask questions around private parts and sex and not feel ashamed about it”