“Why do girls bleed?”

“Have you ever seen this in your home, advertisements or anywhere else?” asked Mona holding sanitary pad in her hand to the participants sitting in the circle.

After a brief pause a 12 year old boy replied, “Yes, I remember seeing this. I don’t know what it is called. Umm! This is something that is given to girls and boys are made to run away from there.” That’s how the session on ‘Menstruation’ began with the 20 adolescents. 

After him, other boys shared the brand names of sanitary pads that they have seen in TV commercials; however girls were hesitant in sharing about sanitary pads which seemed obvious to me as this is something that is always kept under covers and talking about menstruation that too to openly is a taboo itself. The participants were then asked to answer three questions in form of yes/no and how they felt about seeing or using sanitary pads? Interestingly girls also came forward and answered the questions. The energy with which both boys and girls were participating and sharing on menstruation was infectious, this is something that I have never seen happening in any space associated with adolescents be it school, family or peer group. 

Participants watching "Hello periods"

Through ‘Hello periods’ video by Menstrupedia, we explained various aspects of Menstruation- as to what is periods? When does it happen? Why does it happen to girls? , usage of sanitary pads, importance of cleanliness during periods? The adolescents who were giggling, talking to each other now had all their attention on the video. As soon as I finished explaining, I was bombarded with questions like ‘Women who don’t get menstruation can’t get pregnant?’ ‘During periods, is there lack of blood in a female’s body?’ Then we mapped feelings, thoughts, do’s and don’ts around menstruation, the result was evident as participants shared that ‘girls are forbidden to touch pickle’, ‘they are not allowed to wash their hairs or to enter temple and kitchen’ ‘they should remain inside home and should stop playing games’. One of the participants shared, “My mother told me that in our village while a daughter in law is having periods she is made to live in a tabela, a place where domestic animals are kept, and also she is made to eat plain food without spices as she is not pavitra (impure)” 

'Do's and Dont's of Menstruation'

From the discussion and examples shared, we explained how all these notions are not true. Menstruation is simply a biological process which happens to all girls and is indicative that they are healthy – others like not allowed to touch pickle etc are simply myths and there is nothing like being pure or impure. Since Menstruation is not talked about openly, even girls are not properly educated around it; the whole concept of periods has become a taboo! It is not something that we need to hide or be ashamed of. On asking boys, how they can support girls like their sisters or friends while they are having periods, a 12 year old replied instantly, “Usually I don’t have money but I will collect money anyhow and bring sanitary pad for her. Also now I will not tease her and if she has pain in her stomach I will help her in household work.” 

The whole idea of making boys and girls sit together and talk about one of the most tabooed topic seemed successful after hearing this. Going back to my school days, as I remember girls being taught about menstruation via workshops and boys were shooed away which only resulted in boys making fun of girls and unanswered queries. However with these 20 adolescents I am sure this won’t happen. I am curious to know how they would employ this information in real life, but at this present moment I am happy and content as I could see our vision translating into reality slowly and steadily. Yes now it is ‘happy periods’ for me :-)

'Knowing your body'

“In the beginning

it is always dark.

The mind thinks

(and lead us to believe)

that this darkness is forever

But the body can feel the light;

and as soon as it’s allowed,

will, always grow toward it”

The body is one’s best friend only when we know our body well, be it physically, emotionally or psychologically. Whenever there is a talk about physical development of human body, adolescence is the word that strikes my mind first as it represents one of the critical transitions in the life span and is characterized by a tremendous pace in growth and change in terms of body which can be confusing, discomforting and can raise lot of questions. That’s why the second day of Sahas’s intervention with adolescents of Barola community was about “Knowing our body”

I was anxious, curious and hopeful at the same time as this workshop was unique in its own way- be it design or the implementation part of it- for the first we were to sit in the circle with both adolescent boys and girls and talk about the changes that their body is going through and development of the sexual organs. After a fun energizer and revision of first workshop, the participants were divided into 3 different groups and were asked to share on “When did you come to know for the first time that you are a boy or a girl?” this seemingly easy question made them think and come up with answers that surprised me. A boy shared, "I used to wear girl’s clothes till I started going to school. I continued wearing girl's clothes till I was 7 years then, my mother asked me not to wear when I started going to school." Another girl after lot of hesitation shared, “I was 12 years old when I got periods that time my mother told me that I am girl. After that my life changed, all my freedom was snatched from me.”

In the next session, most of the participants chose eyes and hairs as the body part they liked most, on the contrary few girls chose vagina as the part they disliked the most, reason being it is dirty and it makes them feel bad about themselves.

Following this, the participants were divided into 2 single sex groups and were invited to draw body map marking the various body parts and the changes that happen as they are growing up. It all began with a chaos as to who will volunteer for body map, who will draw the map, who will mark the changes etc. As I sat with boys group, I saw them making all the body parts except their sexual organ- i tried hinting to which one of them responded and what followed next was a laughter riot, few guys ran here and there, few hide their face in shame. It took me a while to make them understand and that just broke the ice. They discussed the various questions and prepared the presentation around what are good and bad things about growing up physically. On the other side, girls were quite quick and suave with the drawing body map; they seemed comfortable about sharing different aspects about growing up in their small group.

I was pained to hear when a 12 year old girl shared, “Because I'm growing up now; there are restrictions on what clothes I can wear. I'm not allowed to go out alone anywhere. Even, if I'm going out with my brother; people look down upon me with suspicion”. This made me wonder about the kind of society we live in where a 12 year old think that growing up as a girl takes away the freedom? How can her developing body be a reason for taking away happiness from her? 

I never thought that body mapping would work so wonderfully with adolescents – they were opening up, boys who were shy, running away at the mention of penis could share, “When we are growing up; the things we dislike are growing moustache, hairs in the armpit, growing chest, pimples, penis hairs, talking about penis is considered shameful” With the help of a video (courtesy: Menstrupedia) and power point presentation, female and male sexual organs, their importance, the major difference between male and female is their sexual organs and puberty in terms of body changes were explained.  The session became very intense as now there were no giggling, no running away, no chit chats- all eyes were focused on the presentation. Whoops! I was exhausted too. After a short break, the participants were again divided into 4 groups and were given different situations around growing up and how people around us be it friends, parents, neighbors, teachers and others react to it. The participants could actually relate to the situations given to them, they discussed among themselves and also shared how this has happened to them as well. "People also call me "gorilla" and I dislike that when people tease me because of my color", shared a participant.

Another conversation that left me amazed was when a boy shared, “this story looks so similar to me. My friends also tease me that I have girl’s voice and I am very thin like stick. But I feel there is nothing wrong with me.” 

“No, your voice is perfectly fine. You are growing up, you might have more heavy voice in coming years and we just learnt that children hit puberty at different age from 10-15 years so it’s okay, your body will grow with age. This is absolutely normal”, shared another participant.I was at peace; we had moved a step ahead in our journey with adolescents engaging them around physical, psychological and emotional changes that happen during puberty, which is not even taught in schools, parents and teachers shy away from discussing it leaving adolescents with unanswered queries and making them vulnerable .

“Didi, I have a question, will you answer it?” I was lying down with my eyes closed when this cute voice hit my ear drums. With my eyes half opened, slowly I said, “Yes, I will.”

“We know who is a boy and who is a girl, then who is a Hizra? Can you tell us?” My face was lit with a wide smile, “Yes, I will definitely”

Social change- illusion Vs reality

“To successfully create illusion

The first thing you need is trust.

But to perfect an illusion, the false reality must

appear as authentic as the one it hides.

Careful attention must

be paid in detail.

The slightest of imperfections

can, like a pin to a balloon,

burst the illusion.

And the truth behind the

illusion becomes revealed.”  

I sat in the auditorium disgusted, disappointed and disillusioned listening to a survey and its analysis conducted by bunch of interns under a renowned social organization on child sexual abuse. It was not the results of the study that pained me, but it was the immaturity with which the issue of child sexual abuse being handled that disgusted me; I failed to understand how can anyone trivialize the issue by giggling around, giving lame answers and feeling privileged when someone shared their trauma of child sexual abuse with them? There was so much synchronicity in the sharing around the survey and the organization for which these people (interns and employees) were working as both just talked about organization, people and the years that they have completed, leaving behind the issue for which they intent to work! I see no point why I should celebrate a man/boy if he is working for gender issues. Do we celebrate women doing the same or do we point fingers at them or more conveniently they are taken for granted? And this pissed me when the crowd clapped for the only boy intern among the many girls, and yes he enjoyed the attention too.

“Did you involve any slum community or any specific community in your survey?”

“No”, was the blunt answer for a very crucial question. This made me wonder about the entire purpose of the study as for me it seemed that the study was oriented for the privileged class, forgetting how the intersection of class, caste and religion have impact on gender issues. Also i heard someone share, "When i started the work around the issue, i was told that i will play a role in breaking the families, but now i stand here after healing many people." Don't know why people working on gender boost about this saying as they end up creating structures again.  There was no relevance, need and practical implications of this study as visible from their presentation. Whatever little experience I have in the social space I have heard a lot about abstract ideas of life such as love, empathy, compassion and peace but unfortunately with every step I take forward, I didn’t receive the same from the people who say it loud and clear. I could see myself getting angry and at the same time getting amazed at their perspective on the entire issue, damn it’s unbelievable that they have working like this for so many years without reflecting!

So with a heavy heart, I decided to walk out of the event with the learning “all that glitters is not gold” and determination that i have a long journey to undertake to make my dream of social change come true.

Diving into the question “Who am I?”

"I am not what you see,

I am not what you hear,

I am not what you make out of me

Neither am I bundle of joy or sorrow

I am like alphabets that form words

I am like ink that flows in the pen

Droplets of water that flows like river

I am me, exploring wandering and flowing"

Sometimes when I think “who am I? I get puzzled. Trust me this is not an easy question to be answered! I have so many facets to my existence, so many identities attached to me, still that “who am I” remains unanswered. Interestingly, when I look back to my adolescence, I feel I had more clarity about it but didn’t know how important it is and that actually played a crucial role in building the person I am!

I have been engaging in gender work for more than 2 years now, creating, facilitating and being part of the sharing spaces with young people, where they share about experiences of their gender, violence, which are rooted in their growing years precisely adolescence. So, we thought why not engage deeply with individuals in their growing years by creating spaces where they can learn, understand and build knowledge around gender, sexuality, gender based violence and reproductive health. This lead to the birth of “Sahas”- an initiative to prevent adolescents from having experiences of gender based violence and building their capacity to challenge any form of gender based violence in their later life. With this vision, we have been working day and night out creating a curriculum around gender, sexuality and reproductive health. It’s been crazy month, full of energy, reflections, remembering things that I have learned in various workshops, thinking about my own adolescence, innovating and designing activities for adolescents (assumptions that they won’t be able to understand can be both useful and take you back) brain storming to make it more simpler and engaging was definitely a new experience!

The day began with Ungli dance energizer, followed by introduction of Sahas and our intension behind the work we are engaging in. The adolescents began their journey of knowing “Who am I” by filling the blanks in the sentences which revolved around their day to day life for example- I’m good at '……………' The zeal with which they were completing the sheet was a sight to watch for, some were quick, some were slow, few took a long time to fill the first sentence, and yes full of questions. When the participants were back in the circle, one of them shared that she never thought so much about herself though these are very basic questions, so she took lot of time to think and write. A boy shared that, the question “I’m scared of” made him wonder and he wrote he is scared of himself! This was followed by diving deep into the knowing oneself by making one’s identity card that says who they are and then finding commonalities with other participants.

Knowing "Me"

Identity Map

“Vishwanathan Anand learned chess when he was 6 years old. His mother brought chess board, he was curious; he tried playing the game though he didn’t even know what is called as? Then his mother taught him how to play chess. At my age, he knew he has winning spirit and zeal to make big in the world, that’s how Anand became Vishwanathan Anand. I also aspire to become chess champion”, shares one participant. This sharing was valuable as the session involved stories of inspiring people like Mahatma Gandhi and Laxmi bai and how the values they gained in their adolescence formed their identity and paved their way to success. This made me let go of the assumption that the kids will not understand! Beautiful indeed J

Changing Identities

 Once we have talked about our identity, identities of inspiring people, it was also important to build positive self-identity. So the participants were invited to share their positive quality followed by choosing a partner whom they have not talked to till now. They were given 5 questions and 10 mins to know their new friend. It was amazing to watch participants present their partner to the entire circle, which not only build their confidence but also boosted their partner’s self-esteem.

Knowing your partner

The design of the workshop was as smooth and as flowing as butter, the time management was perfect, the adolescents were engaged, showed openness and process of deciphering “Who am I” couldn’t have been better. Through this engagement I could see depth and value of work Kamiya had been doing and felt overwhelmed.

Through this, Sahas came live! A beautiful thing to conclude was when Kamiya Dargan, founder of My Perch, shared with the kids, “Mona and Purvi have been facilitating workshop on gender with young people and kids of your age. Like My Perch, they have started Sahas, and we are the first circle of their work.” 

सपने और हकीकत के बीच की दुनिया

मन में सवालों का समुंदर और सिर में हलके दर्द के साथ पत्रकार अपने घर में घुसा। रात के करीब 1 बजे थे, पेट में चूहों की फौज धमाचौकड़ी मचा रही थी, फ्रीज़ का गेट खोला तो हर रोज़ की तरह निराशा ही हाथ लगी, क्योंकि फ्रीज़ में खाने के लिए कुछ नहीं था बस पतीला भरा हुआ दूध और ब्रेड रखा था। रात के अंधेरे में किचन में और खोज की तो एक परांठा मिला। पत्रकार खुश हो गया मानो उसे जन्नत मिल गई हो लेकिन फिर दिमाग और दिल लड़ने लगे, दिल कहता “ खा ले यार! इतना कामकाज करने के बाद एक परांठे की तो औकाद है ही। आज छूट गया क्या पता कल इतने अच्छे नसीब हो ही नहीं” हाथ परांठे की तरफ जाते इससे पहले दिमाग चीखा,  “पागल हो गया है सिर्फ एक परांठा रखा है, अगर इसे खा लिया तो मम्मी को पता चल जाएगा कि रात में हमने इसे खा लिया है फिर इतने ताने मारेंगी कि गोली खाने लायक भी नहीं रहोगे। खैर वो ये सब हमारी भलाई के लिए ही कहती हैं”

दिल को गुस्सा आया और बोला “इतने दिनों बाद मम्मी ने छोड़ा है, हमारे लिए ही रखा होगा, खाने के मामले में भी दिमाग की सुनोगे। हद है! फिर मेरी ज़रुरत ही क्या है, रखो इस दिमाग को अपने पास। भूख के मारे जान निकली जा रही है और महाशय को दुनियादारी की पड़ी है। मानो मानो इस दिमाग की ही मानो...आज परांठा गया है कल हसीना भी जाएगी। वहां भी बोलेगा- हमारी भलाई इसी में है कि बस घर से नौकरी पर जाओ और नौकरी से घर वापस आओ। प्यार करने की क्या जरुरत है?” दिमाग भन्नाते हुए बोला “ हे भगवान, तुम कहां की बातें कहां ले जाते हो? तुम पागल हो! हर चीज के फैसले चुटकियों में नहीं लिए जाते। खाना और लड़कियों में क्या तालमेल? मैंने कहा न कि जल्दी पानी पिओ, किचन से भागो और जाकर सो जाओ, कल ऑफिस भी जाना है। समझे कि नहीं। लोजिकल पत्रकार ने हमेशा कि तरह अपने दिमाग की बात सुनी और सोने चला गया लेकिन उसका मन अभी भी किचन में रखे परांठे के पास ही था।  

नींद ही वो समय था जब शायद मैं वो होता था जो मैं हूं- जहां न परिवार की बंदिशें थी, न वो कर्कश आवाज़, न दोस्त, न ऑफिस के जबरदस्ती के दोस्त, न कोई एक्सपेक्टेसन, न कोई काम करने की हड़बड़ी, न दिल और दिमाग की जंग। हां वो जगह होती है जहां आप वो हो सकते हैं जैसे आप हैं, आपके बारे में कोई राय नहीं बनाई जाती, नाही आपको किसी के अनुरूप ढलने की जरुरत होती है...इसी नींद में सपनों के इंद्रधनुष के बीचों बीच मुझे वो नज़र आई। हां वही जिसे देखकर मेरा दिल जोरों से धड़कने लगता है, जब दिल और दिमाग एक ही पटरी पर एक साथ दौड़ते हैं, वो जो मुझे अपनी पत्रकारिता से ज्यादा आकर्षित करती है। 

क्या ऐसा संभव भी होता है, क्या कुछ पलों की मुलाक़ात, नज़रों के टकराने से प्यार हो जाता है...वो प्यार जो मैंने फिल्मों में देखा है? या जैसा रोमयो ने जुलियट के साथ, शिरी ने फरहाद के साथ, हीर ने रांझा के साथ, शाहजहां ने मुमताज़ के साथ या फिर मेरी बेस्ट फ्रेंड ने अपनी पत्नी के साथ किया? होता क्या है प्यार... शायद मैं जल्दबाज़ी कर रहा हूं, मेरा मन एक खूबसूरत लड़की को देखकर फिसल गया है- मेरी उम्र में शायद ऐसा ही होता है, या फिर मुझे किसी दोस्त की जरुरत है। ये सब प्यार व्यार दिमाग का फीतूर है! खैर होगा ये फितूर पर उसे देखकर मन प्रफुल्लित था, अजीब सी खुशी थी, ऐसी खुशी जैसे मानो दूर दूर फैले रेगिस्तान में पानी का झरना नज़र आ गया हो। रेशमी बाल, होठों पर गजब सी मुस्कुराहट, आंखों में मेरा तसव्वुर लिए वो मेरी तरफ बढ़ रही थी। अनसुलझे सवालों की तरह मैं उसके तरफ बढ़ रहा था, वो चंद कदम इतने भारी थे कि मानो सदियों का सफर कर रहा हूं। मैं और वो एक दूसरे की तरफ बढ़ रहे थे, हर कदम हमें एक दूसरे के करीब ला रहा था, इतने करीब की सांसों के लिए भी जगह न रहें। 

“क्यों आज उठना नहीं है, भई आज आपका संडे नहीं है। ओह मैं तो भूल ही गई पत्रकार महाशय का तो संडे भी संडे को नहीं आता। मैं तो कभी भी इस नौकरी के लिए राज़ी नहीं थी। पता नहीं ये कौन ही नौकरी है जहां रात को 1 बजे आया जाता है, सुबह 10 बजे जाना होता है, खाने पीने का कुछ पता नहीं, सैलरी के नाम पर अठनी चवन्नी! मै कह रही हूं कुछ तो गड़बड़ है, नालायक तो ये पहले से ही था अभी भी कुछ खुराफत कर रहा है, नहीं तो बताओ इतने बड़े चैनल में किसे इतनी कम सैलरी मिलती है। कोई शादी के लड़की भी नहीं मिल रही। मैं तो परेशान हो गई हूं। और इन महाशय को देखो घोड़े बेचकर सो रहे हैं। उठ जा लेट हो जाएगा, इतनी उम्र में भी मां को उठाना पड़ता है”

आधी अधूरी नींद, भारी सिर, अधूरे सपने और मां के तानों के साथ एक और नए दिन की शुरुआत कुछ ऐसे हुई