Friday 10 August 2018

How ‘Masculinity’ makes its presence felt in a discourse over sex education with adolescents!


“If I was in her place, I would kiss him back and may have sex with Ram” says a 12 year old participant during the session.

The third workshop with adolescent participants of first group (8A) studying in Government school, Dwarka is based on ‘Love, sex and consent’. This session is extremely crucial considering that they are exposed to terms like sex, condom, masturbation, wet dreams on regular basis not just from media and internet but also in their daily lives rather in hushed tone. It’s no big surprise that they are inclined to figure out more about it or probably experiment around it. So, the main objective is addressing and engaging on all these topics so that they have clear knowledge, breaking the taboo around them and then building their capacity to make decision for themselves.

The session began with the train energizer in which one of the participants becomes the engine and the rest are train compartments; so whatever action engine does the compartment have to follow the same.  After the fun session, quick recap of previous session and agreements, a story of a girl Paro is shared with the participants followed by a question “If you were in place of Paro what would you do?”



The kind of answers that we got were alarming-

“I would hug Ram and kiss him passionately”

“I would marry Ram”

“We would become boyfriend and girlfriend”

“They were in love so it’s okay to kiss and probably marry”     



So to check whether they actually kept themselves in place of Paro, we asked them once again-

“I would slap him hard and runaway”

“I would ignore Ram”

“I would get scared”

“I would feel weird and sad”

“I would feel shy and probably run away”


This was the first moment where we actually see how masculinity is building its strong roots in 12 year old boys! It was scary, and very crucial so we engaged in conversation around why would she get scared, do you think Ram did something wrong, if you kiss a girl will you actually marry her when you will grow up? 


One of the boy said, “Ram should have asked Paro before kissing her, both of them didn’t actually know what other think of them! It could have scared Paro” – from this we asked the participants whether Ram should have asked or not- surprisingly half of the class believed that he should have asked while the rest of them denied it stating that- they were already in love, it’s okay to kiss, she would have given some signal, made some gestures, also girls don’t always need to say- it’s upon boys to understand and make the move!


All these comments directly reflected on the influence of media on the adolescents where in movies, there are dialogues like “Hassi toh Phansi” “Ladhkiyo ki naa mein hi haan hoti hai” and others, hence we spoke about how media and real life is different and why consent is so important and also what if their choices are violated! This was one of the most difficult conversations we ever had with adolescent participants but it was worth the efforts.

In the next activity, the participants were divided into groups of 3 and were asked to share if they have heard the word ‘sex’ in the spaces where they spend most of their time.

“I was playing a game on mobile and suddenly there was video of sex that appeared on the top of the screen”
“When I was a child, I didn’t had a computer so I used to go to Bhai’s house and that was the time when I saw a video on his computer”
“I saw a chapter in my science book about sex”
“I have seen condom ads on TV, also while surfing various websites, photos of sex appear on screen”
“I saw my friend kissing a girl in a dark alley”
“There is a bhaiya who lives in our neighborhood who is also our friend. He got married and after that he makes number of jokes around sex”


“I saw an advertisement of condom where they used this word sex to promote condom that was the time I came to know condom is somehow used during sex”
“While we were talking, one of my friend talked about sex that he saw on television where two people are sticking to each other, their clothes are being torn and so on. Then I came to know about sex and I didn’t like it at all”
“I was going to my house, then suddenly my eyes fell on a window where a boy and a girl were sitting very close to each other and were talking something weird. I didn’t really understand”
“I befriended a girl when I entered into 8th class. After a while I kissed her and that time I got a hint how would sex be”  


“I have seen advertisement of condoms, also in films we have seen hero heroine kiss each other, newspaper and news channel there are news about gang rape- with all these, I came to know what would sex be?”   
“One of my friends told me that he had kissed his girlfriend, so I asked him what is it? Then he said that this is sex!”
“I saw an advertisement where they showed condom on the penis, I was shocked and that’s when I came to know about sex”

“Me and my friend saw porn video XXX where a man and woman were having sex”
“I saw video of sex on my brother’s computer”
“In many of the south Indian movies, hero says – you are very very sexy to heroine”
“”I have heard my friends talking about dirty things around sex”
“Friends usually talk about sex, once I was roaming around and I found out a packet which had Manforce written on it- my friend told me that it is condom and it is used during sex”
“I saw someone having sex in my neighborhood”
“I came to know about sex through science classes”


“I quite enjoyed watching a film where hero and heroine were hugging each other, kissing each other and then having sex”
“I saw in a boy and girl kissing each other and they were lying on each other in the park”
“I have seen people doing sex in Nehru Park, in Google apps and in Videomate”
“Whenever my friend talks about sex I get very excited”
“My friend once asked me whether I know about sex or not, I didn’t know so he explained me the entire process”
“I have seen a bhaiya and bhabhi having sex; bhaiya got condom and start having sex with bhabhi. She was looking very sexy”


“I have a read a book which had lot of things related to sex”
“I have seen an uncle and aunty have sex, aunty was looking sexy”
“I have seen many English movies where the boy and girl come close to each other, they kiss and have sex”
“In Hindi films, villains have forced sex with Heroines”
“I have seen people kissing and having sex in park”

“My friend told me that if I want to learn about sex then you can use internet on smart phone, you should see it in closed room alone. I searched on internet, lot of sex videos came then I actually understood what sex is!”

It’s very intimating and conflicting to read these observations primarily for the reasons that they are very young and so exposed to the information without a filter and there is no space where they can talk about it. So, while many believe that kissing is sex, some of them are accidently exposed via advertisements on internet, television and lot of them are visiting porn websites- definitely not an ideal place to know about sex. All these conversations keep reminding me of the questions- what is the ideal age at which sex education should be introduced? And time and again this gives the evidence of how important our work is in current scenario. 

We then screen “Papu and Papa- how babies are born” – through this video we engage on what sex is; how babies are born and when is the right time to have sex!
Second video was based on condoms – it was interesting to see that boys have captured the information that use of condom is not just restricted to avoid unwanted pregnancy but to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.

In the last part, we spoke in detail about menstruation and why it is important for boys to know about it. Lot of crucial questions and observations came up.

“Do girls also use condoms?”
“Why don’t boys have periods?”
“Is egg always there in woman’s body?”
“If penis is short, will that be a problem”
“Can people do sex during periods”
“How baby come out of vagina after 9 months?”

There were questions on wet dreams, masturbation, its effect on penis. While we spoke about our intention on conversations around sexual organs and sex, the participants shared that there are powders, oils and pills are available in case they have some disease associated with sexual organs.
 Hence this session had lot of information sharing, bursting the myths, clearing the half-baked knowledge and showing them red flags on various things they are engaging in like using powders or deos on their sexual organs etc.

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