“Judgments are
important, they are important part of life- it starts with our body, body makes
physical judgments- what is essential or good for body is kept inside the body,
rest is thrown, so judgments will always be there, what is important is to let
go of moralistic judgments.”
Since last year I had been hearing that when you say
something you shouldn’t judge but it took me a while to understand what is a
judgment? I still have doubts, but the cloud around judgments is now a way
clearer! So I got a chance to attend
another workshop on “Non violent communication- a way towards fun and joy.” I
believe that it’s quite difficult for me to convey what I really feel or want
while communicating through words, generally conversations start on a topic and
ends up on a very violent note! Honestly most of the times I end up crying with
no results L. In the introduction, the participants were divided
into groups of two wherein they were invited to share their name, the needs that brought them to the
workshop and anything that they would like everyone to know about them. The fun part was that each one had to introduce their partner along with his needs. Interestingly my partner was the facilitator so I was at ease. What
attracted me most was the central table with cards having a need written on
them- theses were universal needs we all have! So even though the group was
from diverse community or even nationality, we had same needs- Whew! The
environment was so soothing, calm and relaxing.
What followed next was discussion on the needs- how they are
the core of everything and what we do to achieve the same are strategies. So
it’s the various strategies followed by people that lead to conflicts, fight or
the violent behavior. This was explained with number of examples for better
clarity. We were invited to write a statement which was said to us in past that
we really didn’t like hearing. The participants were invited to form concentric
circles; participants of both the circles were facing each other. So the ones
who were in the inside circle were to read out the statement and the one who
was in outer circle were to determine the needs behind the statement. I felt
weird as they were just statements- I didn’t know who said it, what was the
context or the whole conversation about? The process was difficult yet
important- so we were getting to know what are the needs irrespective of the
face that was saying those ‘mean statements’ I was trying to take in this new
concept- I was little silent ! So now I could understand that what are eyes see
(observations) and what we say (evaluations) are way different. It’s this
difference that play crucial role in communication.
In between facilitator demonstrated self empathy process- I
was spell bound. For me, self empathy is one of the most difficult aspects; I
find it easier to empathize with others than to myself. I have seen people
saying how much they love themselves, I never had this feeling of love for
myself, I feel there is lot to improve PS. I am super self critical! So when I
shared this, other participants started giving me suggestions as to how I can
tackle the same. It was slightly uncomfortable.
Post lunch break, we were invited to observe the space,
focusing more on what are eyes are seeing. While discussing I was spellbound- as
what seemed observation to me was another form of judgment that I never
realized. I observed a man on a camel, purple flowers and a ganpati idol.
Another participant’s observation to the same ganpati idol was an elephant. For
few minutes I was lost, blank, I didn’t know how to react or do I really need
to react! So the term “ganpati idol was also a judgment” The language that we
have learnt from our childhood- from parents to family to teachers or peers-
all that was taught was whether this is good or bad, we should do this or not,
we never learnt the nature’s language- never paid attention to what eyes see,
what ears hear!
The conversations we often do are results of the evaluations
or interpretations our mind does. This was explained further by “Giraffe and
Jackal language” The Judgments or evaluations is the language of Jackal (what
we do in our day to day life) and observation is the language of Giraffe. So
Jackal language include- when we say this is good or this is bad, not taking
responsibility- like I am doing this because I was instructed to do this by my
boss or my parents, thirdly- should do or shouldn’t do and where have to
comes! Interestingly, we also did
empathy dance activity- a situation is tackled in a non violent communication
On the request of one of the participant, we did self empathy
process too. I realized that I haven’t spoken to myself for ages, not tried to
understand what was happening to me? While doing so, I could feel that the
space I am a part of is a safe space where I could actually express myself,
also connect and accept myself as I am. The needs I expressed in the starting
of the workshop were fulfilled. I was happy; it was a moment of celebration.
Also I remembered in the beginning how we talked about 2 needs- celebration and
mourning, now it was established how these needs are alive and important in
one’s life. I felt lot of gratitude towards the facilitator and the fellow
participants for supporting and providing a space where I could understand how
I could make communication more non violent and effective with the people I
don’t know to the people whom I share a relationship with.
